a sky of hope...

i must say after a wild ride of a week i came away with a deeper appreciation of my wonderfully imperfect self...i celebrate all my imperfections because to me they are simply the doorways to all the classrooms of study and learning...and i am finding i trust other imperfect people much more than those who put on perfect masks...

i come away from a week of getting back my wings and then learning how to use them...bumping into walls...finding balance...understanding the currents...building trust in my abilities...letting go of the old me...feeling the pain of that...letting anger rise up in me...letting it overtake me and letting it teach me...the journey into it all tonight...what does my anger have to teach me?...i could think of no other fitting question to pose...

i ended up in the shamans cave...the fire was roaring...snapping at the darkness...i was given a bowl to drink from...as i swallowed the drink it burned through me...i felt it seep into every cell of my body...i was on fire...and in each snatch of pain i had a flash of an angry moment in my life...moments of rejection, envy, betrayal, violence, insult, disrespect...all the times i became twisted with anger...all the times i had a tantrum inside myself...angry at myself...for failing...for not having what others have...thinking i wasnt good enough...giving up...giving in...settling...becoming bitter...on and on the moments flashed and i looked...until all those moments blurred into one...and i understood...i understand all of it now...my anger...how i implode and make myself sick...i knew i did this to myself...but this is different...this is what triggers it all...what upsets me and makes me attack myself...makes me spiral down...weakens me...makes me physically sick...

in the cave i had my wings...i spread them...a bear reached out and tried to bite off feathers...i pushed him off...a wolf stepped forward and growled...i defended my ground and protected my wings...a bat swooped in and i fought it off...i was standing up for myself and my right to keep my wings...

the shaman led me out of the cave and gave me a pouch...she pointed upward...i lifted off...flew high and away...

and this is me now...letting go of anger...owning my wings and accepting abundance...going off into the mystery of the blue sky... saying goodbye to so much...yet saying hello to the horizon and what lies beyond...taking with me a pouch of all that is important to me...the anger left in the cave...it is up to me if i create more anger or peace for myself...

this new thought coming as i fly towards lush green mountains..."i choose love...i choose peace...i choose life"