i have a deep respect for the teachings of the buddha and of christ...love and compassion is the way...selfless giving...loving without distraction...radical responsibility...being kind...standing in integrity...meeting others where they are...self sacrifice...i am drawn to the teachings of both and find this in no way conflicting teachings...they both give me great peace and unfold the love in my heart for myself so i may love others...
sometimes in life i have been called a martyr because i tend to sacrifice more and am seen in a victim stance in doing so...and this i find odd but it is the culture we live in which puts self above all...
i see self and other as one in the same...what i do to myself i do to all...what i do to another i do to myself...if i do good or ill i do them to myself and to the world...i have known all along i have been not a martyr but something else...not a victim but something else...and now i know...i am a bodhisattva...i have edged up to this for years...now i step into this robe and begin walking this path more clear-minded and accepting...
i have been accused of seeking drama and yet my heart has said no to this as well...i do not seek drama...but i am willing to walk through doors and stand in the midst of "drama"...stand in the midst of anothers suffering...stand and do my best to be compassionate and loving and kind...even as my human ego has struggled to move away from these virtues and i have failed...even as i have stumbled and created confusion in myself and others...i still seek to do good and to be happy...
i have this inner voice...this place of refuge...this prayerful garden...and in this place is the voice of the unseen coming through me...saying...be still...i am here...feel this sacredness...be respectful of creation...love...sit in your true nature and send light...
so i finally come out of the closet today in a way...one of these wonderful things i get to mark off my un-do list the owl guide has given me...to state to myself yet openly i am on a path and have been...and it is a simple thing and one i wont repeat...but in saying it and in doing i am made freer...i am free of the struggle to educate others and myself as to why i am different...i am free of being reactionary when another uses words to put me down or pigeon hole me without knowing my heart...i am free to walk through my days as who i am and not feel pressured to bend or push or force myself to fit in...there is no need to fit in...i am in...i am already a part of everyone and everything...there is no fitting in when you finally accept this...i simply made myself an outsider by the uncomfortableness of my own unagreeable actions or anothers...
there are times i have engaged in things just to be a part of a group or to be in someones life...and i would afterwards feel so unhappy...but today i get to be me...and find peace in this...no reshaping who i am to fit into the mold of a group or an activity...i get to be me...and be happy...
i sigh it all out of me...the struggle...the hurt...the longings...and breath in the vitality of oneness...the healing...the fullness of being...
i am not only at peace with myself and everyone...but i am in peace with myself and everyone...and i am happy...
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