just when you think it is all going well a memory leaps up at you and wrecks you for a few minutes...this is the last picture i ever took of my brother brian...i just had this memory of his laughter and those shining blue elfish eyes shimmering with tears...he always seemed to laugh that hard...never half way...
i miss him tonight...1980 was when his life ended...and yet it doesnt feel like that long ago...not at all...time is like that...my friend karen will have been gone 3 years in just a few days and it is still like yesterday...time goes nowhere but we do...time gets to stay...we go...and so it is...with her...with him...with myself some day...and is there any real meaning in it...or do we invent meaning...do we invent suffering so we can struggle to relieve suffering to give some purpose to life...do we fight happiness because struggle gives meaning more than just being?...it is heavy stuff to sit with tonight...
yet here i sit very sleepy...thinking heavy thoughts...and then the tug at my heart and my brothers laughter lifting up in my mind...and even if there is no meaning to this moment i am still happy to have the illusion of his company...
and i have a feeling i am so close to knowing something big because i do feel him with me so genuinely tonight...comforting and close...holding me up when all i want to do is fall forever...how sweet and kind the mind is and the unseen...to give me this moment with him...i am grateful as he stays and keeps the darkness away...
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