am i awake...to life? or still asleep? and then the teaching came...this soft voice spoke from the deepest parts of me...i got up and in the moonlit room quickly wrote this down as it came...
if you are waking up you might feel regret remorse anger despair hopelessness...you may feel overwhelmed...you will most certainly want to blame others for your "failures" you suddenly feel pressing against your heart...a battle will come...between your souls hope for you and your egos desires...ego will leap up and start singing you a lullaby...
i have navigated this in the past and feel as if i am beyond this...it felt good to see how far i have come with my awakening...the kind voice continued...
the egos lullaby may be a flood of words to get you more twisted up and tangled in the net of the dysfunctions you have lived in...to soothe you it will offer you the same props to suck you back in to an unconscious/sleep walkers life...it will hand you shopping...it will offer you sweets and over-eating...it will offer you alcohol...pot...pills...it will offer you an obsession or phobia...an affair or a drama filled relationship...sleep and you will numb out again...an eye mask to cover your third eye once more so you dont look within and question your life...
you can keep telling yourself everything is "their" fault...you can be a victim...you can blame it on crummy parents or an early trauma...a miserable boss or a selfish partner...you can deflect it all and sleep...are you asleep?
and then i felt a reassurance...a gentle nudge of knowing from this thought provoker...
or...
you can wake up and live your life...the discomfort will pass with acceptance and forgiveness...direct it first towards yourself...with a flood of compassion and love from your soul...then extend this to others...all others...gather yourself...every part of you that got left along this sleep walking trail...then breath...just breath...for as long as it takes to feel your own body again...no longer shut down...no longer with a closed heart...no longer tense and repressed...breath...in stillness...with nature...breath...by water or in it...floating...breath...under a tree or up in its embrace...breath...sitting with flowers or holding one and gazing at it...breath...breath...breath...
then...
look at your dysfunctions...and smile at them...introduce yourself...tell them what you want to happen...
over eater i want to thank you for the lessons and the soothing but this isnt serving me...it is making me unhappy...i am going to now pay attention to what i eat and why...and i am going to take care of me now...when i want to soothe myself or remove stress i will react differently...i will eat slower and i will eat healthier food...i will relax as i eat...yet i will not use food as a friend any more...it is food...not a companion...
whatever comes up introduce yourself...stay awake...look...breath...
the voice stopped...my pen stopped...i sat in the chair by the window...the night was so lovely...i looked at what i still am tangled up in...and yet i couldnt help but smile at myself...at this struggle...it is one of those libra things...the sad song of a bird with an empty nest...the lone cry of a wolf...the soft glide of a single swan crossing a pond in the moonlight...i suddenly felt a tenderness for my own soft heart...and i introduced myself...
hello lonely heart...its me...i am breathing and smiling and holding you in compassion...it is going to all turn out ok...i have faith in love and my healing...i will learn to be vulnerable again...i am learning to trust and let go of so much...staying present...not check out and go to sleep...i am strong and at peace with it all...so lonely heart lighten up and enjoy the beat...it is the drumming beat of contentment...
the voice never returned...the minutes ticked away on a childs toy clock in the darker corner of my room...i could climb back into bed and would...but for a few more minutes i looked out the window as clouds sifted through the shining sky...i conjured a bonfire in my mind and sat by it at a lake...a full moon kept me company as stars crowded around...an owl called to me...i let myself shift and flew to her...my night filled to the brim with peace...
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