peace and calm

"The hunger for love is much more difficult

to remove than the hunger for bread."~-mother teresa

today i succeed...in being peaceful...keeping it simple...counting my blessings...doing...being...loving better...not hiding out..opening my heart...

lately i have been an especially unhappy person even as i do my best to be happy...i have had moments of incredibly selfish thoughts that spilled out into words and actions...today with all my heart i want to be generous in spirit...pure in my heart...let love and peace and happiness come from Soul...

i am so hard on myself...so today i am giving myself a day of simply enjoying life...

~*~

i did a journey  this morning and found myself back in the place of my dreams last night...i wanted to go to the cedar swamp in my dreams...but i found myself in a kayak floating in a channel of dark water...reeds high all around me...it was swampy but not the cape swamp...felt more like a bayou i was in once...in the dream i was afraid of what would leap out of the water...

in my journey i was there again...the water was dark and the air was pungent with swamp gas...i tried to make myself small and still as a slow current moved me along...i had no oars and no idea where i was going...i tried to relax but sensed danger...

a large long snake floated along the side of the kayak...my guide...its movement pushed the kayak along and took me to shore...it morphed into a white dog and walked along side of me then...deeper into a swampy place...guiding me into more and more swamp...i would fall in and panic...come out again...covered in the thick rich mud...smelling to high heavens...soon covered head to foot...weighed down...getting exhausted...

arriving at a bayou shack i fell at the feet of a woman who poured buckets of what i thought was warm water over me and cleaned me up...but when i looked up at her pouring a last bucket it had been light all along...liquid light... love light...silvery...full of peace and calm as well...

i was tired and fell asleep...and in the dream in my journey i was a silvery bird flying in the night sky...i felt free and untethered from my suffering...when i woke in the journey my head was in the womans lap and she was combing my hair with her fingers...i began to cry...

she hummed and let me wear myself out with crying...then i asked her...will i ever get any of this right? will i ever fit in and not be so messed up? will i find my way?

she came close...i looked in her eyes...in one was the image of a woman...a strong hand reaching out to me...in the other eye a dark rope of energy reaching out to me...

she told me i was coming to a crossroads...it was approaching fast...i would choose...darkness and bad karma...or light and love...she told me to allow love in...and then she smacked my cheek softly and said karma baby...it is all about the karma corn...we laughed...long and in the moment...then silence...soft silence...breathing and relaxing into the stillness...the sunlight blasting warm fingers of light onto my skin...peepers and bullfrogs harmonizing...a splash now and then...gator i suppose...

she held me and rocked me gently...i miss being held and let myself stay there for a long time...when i was coming out of the journey she handed me a stone...the same stone i have been carrying around for months...she smiled and dropped it into my hand...it was warm from the heat of her own hand...i would not feel alone through this day...