the journey i did this morning took me to the pond on my aunts land...went into it and up to a green place of thick moss and dampness like a bit of dense woods i use to walk in nova scotia...
a deer stood silently as i approached it...a female and pregnant...she was my guide and she led me deeper into the woods...a campfire and bedding waited for me...she left me there...i spread out the bedding and laid down...i heard drumming in the distance and then more and more...i closed my eyes...a deeper journey came...i was in darkness...i felt as if i were in my mothers womb...and in one quick and yet fully experienced timeline i was born and aged and experienced growing up and becoming all the different ages and stages of my life...and saw in these different times the guides/angels/beings which went with me through time...
i came out of the journey within a journey still sitting by the fire...rattles going then...a shaman sitting across from me...she was wearing a deerskin and head dress of deer...she handed me a large pouch and told me to do with it what seemed right to do....
in the pouch there were journals i have kept...i took it to mean the repeated patterns of self work and self recovery...of writing out my thoughts and hopes and dreams yet seeing very little of them realized...then there were drawings of a happy family i drew once...of my partner and i, her son and our daughter, a cottage with dogs and cats and lots of flowers in the dooryard...there were notes of things to do that never got done....there were bits and pieces of things which had lost their meaning...
i put everything back into the bag and then tossed it into the fire...the fire consumed it and the shaman pointed her staff to my forehead...she spoke...you have it all right here...everything you need or ever will need...then she pointed her staff in the four directions...then to the sky and to the earth...and this is your world but you live in another as well...you must live in the other yet ground yourself here...suddenly the fire grew and i was surrounded by other guides...many of them...they were all giving me support...my buddhist monk guide smiled at me and touched his hand to my heart chakra...i felt the laughter bubble up....he laughed as well...he spoke....give up and be yourself...others came forward and touched different parts of my body or offered healing energy to me...one drummed for healing...i was given flowers by another...one a drink of water...i felt cared for and cared about...i felt safe...i felt at home in myself even...
yet i felt myself hold on to the old protective thoughts and actions...i was in my separating stance...hands in my pocket and closed off...the shaman saw this and removed my hands...they all drummed and did sound work...songs and movement...i felt myself beginning to join in...and i did...
when i came back from this journey i began to feel the return of the weight of thoughts i have been looping for days...i look on my coffee table and see my journal and stack of to do lists and such...
today i know is about shedding the useless things in my life and the old ways of doing things and take up new ways and new patterns which are healthier to create...today also is to continue to free myself and accept i am love...i feel all this change and how it is slowly rooting itself...i feel a slow awakening...a new sense of purpose and i am beginning to have new clarity and i have to smile at how my heart feels this morning...so open and loving...to myself and to the world...
this work is hard and at times filled with pain and yet i accept radical responsibility for my life and how it has evolved...and to know this also means i can shape my life in any fashion i would like and free myself of whatever i wish to be free of...i can...everyone can...it is an exciting day...full of endless possibilities...which ones shall i choose to live today?...the happy ones:)
i smile at you and send love...happy day...
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