sunday....no sun today...no birdsong...where are the church bells?...grey veil of the apocalypse hangs silently...flowers are held in cold cupped fingers of air...do they wonder if they are blooming in heaven or hell...are they the angelic messengers sent to tell us there is hope built in to the design of our lives?...so we dont see the ugliness of man's world as long as they are around?...
my eyes are sore from crying...i lost my prayers last night...they fell away like those last bits of hope one has when you watch the end of a losing game...i let go...palms up and they fell away and hit the floor with heavy thuds...too weighed down with sorrow to rise up and reach the ears of god...
last night in a circle of women drumming and chanting and singing i was as silent as a cave...and in my silence i walked away into that cave...bear skulls and bones all around...light leaving...only the sounds of those women and those sounds were growing fainter...i walked deeper into that empty place...into silence...the last rattle of sound and the lone heartbeat of drumming there...
i am your darkness it said...i am the darkness and the womb of death...i am the hopeless place and yet where beginnings begin...sit here and let go of your body and you will find yourself...i am the last place you have...i am your destination...
and in the silence that crushed me i claimed my seat...i sat and waited for death to touch me...but the women drummed and the women sang and the rattles shook and reached into this place...there was no staying there...no release...i returned and sat in the circle with my sisters as they shared their stories...
i kept mine hidden in the broken place of my chest...the words in my throat nesting in thorns...i would not speak these words of pain...there were others suffering in this room and i could not add mine to the pile...they needed the light of the circle more...mine was too big...i couldnt show them what i had seen...what i knew was coming for me...i couldnt say goodbye...
when circle ended i stepped outside...went around a corner...put my hand on a tree and whispered to it...i let it know...i confessed...i returned to these beautiful sisters gathered together last evening...i looked at each one of them and have their smiling faces in my mind...i have gentle pairs of eyes gazing at me...beaming smiles...graceful swan dancing hands lifting glasses to lips...the cascade of grey hair down a back...the curve of a thigh...the dangle of a bit of jewelry...the grace of a woman in a flowered dress...bare feet and socked feet padding across the floor...the relaxed posture of a woman all in black...the scent of sage on all of them...they were breathtakingly beautiful creatures...each one a gift...and they all come with wounds and scars and yet fill a room with laughter...and love...even in my dark place i could see their light...and for a moment the pain in me eased away and i took a breath of them with me to breath...
i dont know what this day brings me...i hope for peace...i hope for a way out of my dark cave of thoughts and feelings...i have never felt like i belonged anywhere...i never felt at home any place...i want to feel like i have something to look forward to...a piece of land and a place to call home...but i am so weary from this long walk through life...i am so very tired...no amount of sleep can rest me...and i am trying to find my way to the land...i am trying to find my way home....to fit someplace other than a dark cave....i need a fire and a song and arms around me...but i am lost in the cave...and i miss the trees...and i miss the feeling of being close to others...and i put myself here!...i know that...but i know i am wounded and need to not be so brutal to myself...i need to tend to my self inflicted wounds and heal if i can...
the greyness is not shedding...the sun doesnt come through my window this morning...but i remember the sun and know it will return...perhaps this is how to treat what i am experiencing...i am sorrow-filled but have the memory of happiness and know it can return...
namaste...
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