there i was journeying to get my mojo back!...which i thought was a simple and funny request...oy oh boy was i getting what i really was asking for once again...and it began a whole series of journeys and healing work...soul work...deconstructing...rebuilding...tons and tons of work which left me tired last night
but even as i was sleeping the work was still being done...days of this...and nights...of being transformed more...willing to flay myself open and look...really look at all the anger and hate and resentment and envy and even jealousy...i looked at my ugly parts and my good ones...i looked at woundings...self inflicted...and ones intentionally and unintentionally inflicted by others...i didnt back away or back down...i knew what i could take on in the moment and what had to sit and work itself out in the coming days...
each part was fitting into the next piece of work...each experience popping up in my ordinary reality was there to simply guide me into my awakening in non ordinary reality...until things so amazingly were lining up and making sense...
even the spill i took last night on the ice outside was a moment of "oh wow"...
it is the time in your life...if you allow yourself to see it all...where visible proof of the unseen forces show up...angels...guides...god...whatever it is you label it all as...it is the thing at work to help you configure your own flight pattern...to land where you need to for your big smack down healing adventure...so i landed on my arse last night as part of "the plan" and for a second looked up at the stars...
one bright star reached down...and it was as if i got "it"...that celestial light bulb over my head...i got in my car and hit the road...the moon rising big and beautiful...and i saw it...i saw me...i was the moon...i wasnt this other stuff...the labels and limits of my own making and of others...i was this...i felt like a beautiful freak in that moment...really...a very beautiful freak...
i pulled my car over and watched the moon climb higher over the treeline...and she was stunning...i am this i kept saying and laughing out loud...it got inside me...and for a few minutes i was unlimited...but this feeling did fade as i was driving again...and the confining limits of my own self doubt and low esteem began to creep in again...yet there was the moonlight pushing back my dark thoughts...and it worked and worked on me...and kept working through the night...
each time i woke up cold her light reached in and warmed me...each dream came to assist me in unraveling and untangling the knots inside...each tear that fell was charged with the moon's healing grace...
there is science and it tells us how dense the moon is and what it is made of...that it is basically a sundial and yet it tugs at the tides...it inspires poets and seers...it gives lost souls comfort...it is a feminine presence which enchants so many of us dreamers...and she dreamed me home to myself last night...easing the tightness in my chest...relaxing my mind...opening my fists...bringing joy charged tears to my eyes and laughter spilling from me...i am her...
and so this morning i journeyed not to the dark cave but to the light one...to the one where a kundalini rainbow serpent hovered outside the mouth of the cave before...where it had told me to swallow it and i had said i wasnt ready...but the truth was i was too closed off and afraid...turning bitter...shutting down...struggling with my lesson plan...
but this morning i came to the cave and said yes...the serpent came in and from its body the rainbow colors flowed and came into me...and i swallowed them...feeling the warmth and vitality return...feeling the balance and the serenity...feeling something else...i suppose it is a sense that i do have purpose and meaning to my life...it isnt to caretake a mother who wont do for herself...it isnt to take on others struggles as my own or even dwell on mine...i feel my purpose is to just go through life...smile at it...cry at times...always let myself feel it...love but without any need to be loved in return...enjoy my own company...remove myself from harms way...take good care of my own needs but not be selfish...be kind...and i guess i know and feel one more thing today...the big one...the one which is the greatest part of my suffering...and it must be for many adults....
it is why i didnt accept the energy of kundalini healing the other day...it is why i have checked out over and over again at the most intimate moments of my life...it is why my chest was tight last night...
i fight battles that are no longer there...they are in my childhood...they are memories...and yet my mind doesnt know time has passed...so i get triggers and panic and shut down or run away...but when i sat with all of it last night and this morning...peeling away and looking at each memory...stepping towards each uneasy intimate moment where i checked out...i had to see it all and let myself know i am not that...i am instead the mystic moon...i am the perfect flower...i am the smile of sunshine through the trees...i dont have to resist the goodness that keeps coming to me...the goodness i push away...i can trust it...and can accept it...for what it is...each time it is offered to me...i can trust it in the moment...i couldnt when i was a kid...i couldnt trust kind acts then...i couldnt trust love...there was always a sinister thing hiding within a kindness...love was fake then...this is the root of my lack of trust...this is the big pile of crap in the middle of all this self torment...this is what keeps presenting itself...
this morning when i swallowed the healing of my own enlightenment i saw these moments again...right up to the present woundings...and there it was...the same thing coming through each time...
i set myself up for rejection again and again...the thing that was done to me as a child i have done over and over again to myself....or created an environment so others would reject me...each time wanting the outcome to be different so the original rejection would be undone...but it never is...it just keeps breaking a person down...until all that is left is the raw wound...and it either kills you or you decide to heal...
i have decided to heal...those adults in my childhood should have been good and loving...and they werent...they were selfish and immature...they let their egos run the show...they twisted away from their goodness and were selfish pleasure seekers of the lowest form...they used a child's goodness against her...they used the bait of love and acceptance on a child...they were twisted and sick in their mind games...and i cant hate them...it was put into them by other twisted adults when they were children...yet i dont have to recreate the scene over and over...it cant be undone...it cant be taken back...but i can let go of it now...
i can see it made me a person who would never harm a child...it brought me a level of understanding about compassion even as a child...even as i was going through their dysfunctions with them i could still understand it wasnt them...i am very grateful this sweet child i was did not grow to be as broken as the adults around her...that she worked very hard to awaken to her true self...that all these years since she has grown into me and i am sitting here with a full heart this morning...less afraid...gentle...laughing even...seeing a little hand from so long ago reach out in my mindscape...and i take that little hand and bring her safely to me...she and i...at one with each other now...neither of us having to hurt anymore...i dont have to relive the past in each of my interactions with others...she doesnt have to sit and wait to be loved...
ordinary reality is still there...the challenges and the struggles of the present...but it feels different now...the healing still mending parts of me and will...the little hands and gentle eyes of my child self there now to help me soften and let in the good in my life...
i hope to laugh more in 2013...i do have a weird sense of humor but i like it...i hope to open my heart up to a close love at some point...i hope to have better friendships and above all to take better care of myself...
i think 2013 will have challenges pop up but i also see it as a time i let the goodness come into my life in greater measure and not doubt its presence...and in this sweet understanding and acceptance i know i deserve kindness and goodness...i understand why it has been lacking in my life...and now i am ready to receive genuine lovers in my life...those who love me as i am and will be kind to me...and i will trust their kind intentions...it is good to know this...it is wonderful to see it on the horizon of this new winter season...
namaste...
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