time passages

wow i did a journey a few minutes ago that really was perfect...what i needed to know again from a younger self...

started getting this massive headache yesterday...felt like my eyeballs would pop out of my head...now it is less but dizzy this morning...looking at my to do list early this morning i marked half of it "to do tomorrow"...eyes so blurry painting is going to be difficult  today but i will try...and the heat didnt work last night or this morning...space heater for now in my studio room and hope for an easy fix to problem later today...other things piled up on me this morning but ya kinda get the idea?

so i sat down and said a prayer first...it was full of gratitude...i do know i have so much compared to others and so in knowing this i send all my love to those who are struggling today and hope in some way they know as i know we are not alone and are cheered on by the unseen...

then meditated and it was nice to empty out my hurting head for a bit...

next off into a journey to my headache and all the external headaches in my life right now...asking what is it i need revealed to myself today? i am open for any teaching for assistance in the struggles of this day...

ended up in a cabin i was house sitting for in the early 90's...wood stove and a beautiful view on the side of a tall hill...scrap wood to paint on...deer in the field to watch...peepers singing at night...early fall...could sit out on the deck and sing and just let time slowly slip under my skin...i had turned thirty and thought this is it...this is the year i start a family and settle down...and since then i have come very close...but now i sit in a cold apartment single again with a headache the size of texas...just turned 50 and i journeyed to that 30 year old self who was so full of hope...

i sat with her...watched her painting...she was not worrying about money or her health or anything...she was happy in a cabin for the two weeks...she had some groceries and a few extra bucks...she had some peaceful friends who loved her and she had this way of seeing things in such a positive way...she had company when she needed it but loved her borrowed dogs her friends loaned her and the solitude for work...she was happy more than unhappy as she looked ahead and daydreamed of her own piece of land with a beloved...her own dog and a couple of kids running around...she would make them food from scratch and sing them to sleep and tell amazing stories and the house would be filled with music and art projects and plays and all manner of creativity...she sat there painting and tearing up at the thought of it...

she looked up and smiled at me...i told her i missed that sense of optimism...time is running out and the idea of the family i wanted is gone...she was sad for me and i told her not to be...i just made choices and trade offs...who is to say they werent right...she asked about my life and i told her...she saw the good and the not good of my choices and understood...i laughed and said it was the libra in her...

we drank tea and watched the sun go down...gave each other a hug...i thanked her for the gentle moments of peace with her...she was such a peaceful easy going woman...odd to say about yourself but there it is...to see yourself as a person was i think this journeys meaning...to see what i am going through right now as something to have concern about...to care and not give up or give in and settle any more...it is like all the fight left out of me in one big whoosh this past year...i know the moment it did and i know i have to journey back to that moment and the other moments and reclaim my power but it is hard...i honestly dont have the stomach for it right now...but i know at some point very soon i will have to...

i still see my younger self smiling at me and it helps...i wish i could take those years and do it differently but you cant...so here is the thing...perhaps i will live to be 60 or 70...will i sit in even worse shape journeying back and wishing i had done this time differently?...what then will i do to give my 60 year old self comfort and happiness and peace?...what can i begin to do today to give that to the woman i will be next week even?...

good questions to ask in a journey i suppose...though i am beginning to feel as if i already am forming the answers...keep it simple like she did...stay focused and self motivated...this time make my choices from my awakened mind and decide what is best for me...

so i will go take some more sinus meds, drink plenty of fluids, hot shower, blast the space heater in my studio room...paint...remember to eat...love myself through the day and at night let myself do the journeys i need to do to repair the damage...and build a nicer stack of days and years for the woman i am now and will be at 60...