Monday, January 14, 2013

new day full of zen grey

to journey out in nature is the best!...to be out in nature in all her different moods keeps me in intimate contact with her and her wisdom...winter nights that sink into my bones is especially powerful...but fog is also a tremendous experience to journey in...soon i will step from my car and into the fog of this winter morning and stand at waters edge...pray...meditate...journey...open to knowing as i seek my direction...within myself...and my place in this world...

the 50s i feel are mine to enjoy to the fullest...in a way my 40s were about holding back way too much and giving up way too much...this past year was about learning to expand and be open and also have boundaries...to understand the levels of trust and how to trust myself...who to trust also in life...how to step back into places and give myself permission to be me...not a shadow of someone else or invisible...and last year i returned home to the ways i grew up with in greater measure...my moral and spiritual ethics a challenge to others but i will not stand down from my ways or ask anyone to step away from theirs...

it felt difficult to stand up for myself and my ways at times...but i love where i came from and what shaped me...i stepped away from it to try to fit in the world for too many years...and it cost me...i will not pay the entrance fee to a world i never belonged in anyway...i wanted a family, inclusion, respect...but lesbians and gay folks and fringe people have to give up too much to fit into the mainstream...i realized i would rather be out in the ocean than in the narrow mainstream...and i would rather be alone than be around people who demand i assimilate and do as they do even if i dont believe in what i am doing...now i am free...and i will find those who dont cookie cutter their lives either yet respect me and have self respect...and if i dont then i dont...i simply do not want to feel pushed by others any more...pushed in a way that is ego based...

i love strong open-hearted people...i find them to be respectful and honest...and incredibly trust worthy...it is what i strife to be myself...

i honor who i am in greater measure now...learning to more quickly address those who let their egos slober all over the place or step out of the way of all that silly stuff...i use to take it all so personally...now i just see it as a waste of my time...and i have no need to be wasteful with my life any more...lessons learned last year were monumental in this way...

last night i let myself journey into nature and experience the dance of night...the sounds and the textures...the cold touch...the dark flight...the freedom...the embrace and acceptance of who i am and how i navigate my own life...i felt loved....this morning i will step into the fog...walk to the shoreline and open myself up to the wisdom water holds...where beneath the surface the earth itself lives so much of its life unseen...

the ocean has always meant comfort to me...where songs are born...where dreams sail in from distant places...to remember the first time i saw the ocean as a very young child and know each time is like the first...the excitement rising up in my belly and out my throat in a great sigh of happiness...

this will be a very good morning...



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