Sunday, January 13, 2013

sitting in the emptiness

i did a journey this morning where i asked for guidance on what direction my life should take...i have no real dreams left...so many of my beliefs have fallen away or evolved quickly so that i am playing catch up...i removed myself from many peoples lives and become a person of solitude lately...it feels foreign to me to crave being alone but to be around others is too harmful to me right now...i like it simple now...each day as it comes...

i surrendered to this journey for direction...

i sat in a hut...nothing but a yak skin to sit on...i was cold and had little on...and i was alone...it was very quiet and dark...

but even in the stillness and lack of light i saw a shape appear across from me...touching knees...it was a peaceful shadow figure...i knew i was safe...and even without sound i heard an inner hum of my own body...the sound of my pulse...the sound of air entering and leaving my body...

a voice drifted over me...as if it were coming from all the directions and forming itself from the air above me...

the air walker asked me: are you lost?
me: i dont feel lost...i feel emptied out...
air walker: describe...
me: its as if i can sit for hours meditating or drive my car or have a conversation and it all simply feels void of purpose...not happy or sad...simply there...simply what i go through...
air walker: does this thereness serve you?
me: it helps me focus in on the truth behind everything i suppose...it helps me see nothing is important to me...that i am unimportant...this body...this life...this world...it all just is...
air walker: are you unhappy with this?
me: no i am not happy or unhappy....it is just new to feel this...last night i felt emptied out...this morning i had a moment of feeling uneasy yet it fell away...it is as if i am...i am un-alive in one way yet more alive in another...it is hard to describe...

the air walker left and the figure across from me i realized was my most trusted guide...the buddhist monk...he took my hands...i felt his compassion...

a spark of light entered and hovered in front of me...it hurt my eyes so i closed them...it spoke in its way...

the spark: are you afraid in your life now?
me: no...i cant say i am afraid today...right now...
the spark: do you have any discomfort?
me: my body is in alot of pain at times...but it is just a body...they fail at times and i accept it...i do my best to make myself well...but human bodies break down...i am focused on wellness...
the spark: are you lost?
me: (i chuckled...it seemed funny to be asked this again)...no i am not lost...just empty...just feels like i am in a waiting room...as if i am sitting in an empty waiting room...

the spark left...the buddhist monk took shape completely now...he smiled...his kind face made me cry...he touched my cheek...he said: you think you are empty? if you were empty would you spill these tears?

i couldnt answer...but i knew the answer as if it had suddenly been freed in me...

i am not empty...my life isnt empty...my heart isnt empty...it is full...in a beautiful way yet empty of struggle...when i am around others i feel empty in a sorrowful way...i feel the weight of the unkindness others deliver to me...i feel their dislike...i feel the push of their egos...their messy ways...the destruction they create in being unkind...it is as if they are eating up all the good in the world and replacing it with darkness...and it is hard for me to see...to witness...i feel it...and so to survive it i now stay away...so i dont create darkness...or return darkness for darkness...or get pulled into darkness...

the monk felt my words and smiled even more...and i understood...to return unkindness with even more kindness...to give even more...but i am so tired of this path...i am so incredibly tired of this world...its brokenness...and this is all i find...this is all people show me...all i get is their brokenness...the plasticness...their mess...

the monk: if you could have anything at this moment what would it be?
me: a good home cooked meal...a massage...my headache to go away...the beach...
the monk: not money or a fast car or a house? he chuckled
me: i just need some kind attention i can let in...i need to be able to trust again...i need to not be so empty...though empty is safe...i know i shouldnt be empty...
the monk: what is wrong with this emptiness?
me: it is escaping...i am escaping a world that is too much to take...
the monk: take it simply...take it in small ways...take it slowly...or dont...
and we both laughed because he sounded just like the dalai lama...

the hut went dark...i was there alone...breathing...i got into the shavasna pose...tears fell to each side of my face...i breathed...i relaxed my body...the journey was done...

and now i am in my day...traffic outside and sirens and small birds chirping...my headache is still there...my fatigue still plaguing me...i need to go out and yet i could sleep more...there is no sadness in me...only waiting...i will decide my path soon...where and how and all the rest...it will come...i am not afraid...i am not impatient...and i find this compassion for myself i find very touching...it is ok if my life is empty now...it is what i need to experience...

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