drifting thoughts...

this is me tonight...a leaf on a lake...i feel this...adrift but relaxed...trusting the water and the breeze to carry me to where i need to go...

it was an interesting weekend...i let go of more...alot actually...and it gave me a great sense of relief...i am relaxing into my skin and my life...winter is about being alone and creating art...about realigning my life to my purpose...away from the pushing of egos and the tedious BS of life...it isnt easy but i need to...my health is alittle off and the things that wrecked my heart need to be fully addressed before i can step back into some places...

it is hard to remain in rhode island at times...it is a tough little state in many ways...but if you can see the absurdity and not let it get under your skin it is do-able...though at times it smacks you between the eyes before you know it...

i remember this guy at a train station in philly one time...he was explaining to me the difference between a yankee and a southerner...he said a southerner will get mad and pick up two 2X4s...he will throw one at you to pick up before he starts beatin on you...then when you both are worn out you will go have a beer together and its done...but if you dont pick up that board he wont fight you and he will carry a grudge against you...he said a yankee will get mad at you and not say anything...then he will go to all your neighbors and tell them what a no good dog you are...then he will pass out 2X4s and when you walk down your street they will jump out and beat on you...then they will go have beers and leave you behind...

i asked him which was he...he said neither...he was from the midwest...they'd just shoot you...

well there you go...it can always be worse i suppose...ha!

i thought of that tonight...still picking the splinters out of me from a tough year gone by...

i just keep quiting things i thought i would be doing...it gets alittle scary at times...but i also know something or maybe even someone is coming towards me....or i am stepping closer to something...all i know is i feel something good just out of sight...something is going to embrace me and i will embrace...and this gives me hope in these stretches of time alone...

so i drift...maybe i will dream of a fellow adventurer who loves to wander the landscape...gobbling up the green of the spring leaves...breathing in the wild onion...caught up in the swirls of muddy water...tasting the rain coming...

i want to duck into an old falling down farmhouse before the storm hits...i want to find a spot where the roof wont leak in...and i want to wait...til the first fat drops smack the rusted tin roof...i want to hold my breath and listen...and wait...til the thunder rolls over us and the trees shiver...

and i am not in rhode island tonight suddenly...but i am in the wildness of a spring storm...waiting....breathing...listening as the wildness begins to roar all around me...

you know...i think i understand myself alittle more in this moment...i think i get me more and more...and i like me...perhaps more than i have in twenty years...i know i respect myself more...and put up with less from folks who treat me disrespectfully...i think the green of spring is seriously going to give me a great boost and i look forward to it and all the good that is just inches away....

and there it is...the first plunks of rain on the tin...