and it is fascinating to walk deeper into myself...i have done so much heavy work on myself...navigating the PTSD (thanks you crazy adults of my childhood) and nearly removing all the triggers that set me off...i have looked at what hooks me and keeps me recycling my suffering themes...practical in my detachment of my own suffering so i can look at it and not be clawing the walls of myself to try to escape dealing with it all...
i am now at the point where i stopped making excuses for others in my childhood and adulthood that treated me crappy...yes i see the why of it...why they did what they did...but i freaking didnt deserve it and it finally pisses me off that they used me for their own power tripping...they used me like a toilet to get some relief from their own pain...but hey i never deserved it...i was just broken down enough to let them...now i am not...and THAT feels good...i am not here to make them feel better or say oh it is ok...when it isnt ok...when i was a child i deserved kindness and protection...when i became an adult i deserved respect and to be treated with dignity...i gave permission for folks to walk all over me and treat me like an idiot because i bought into the crap adults fed me when i was a kid...i dont any more...
and you know what?...as all this stupid garbage was being thrown at me in the last few months...through memories of my childhood or by the recent behavior of others...i began to feel this amazing person step forward...she had a straight back and an unbowed head...she made eye contact and remained peaceful...she didnt hide her tears or back down from speaking what was in her heart...she was afraid but brave...and that person...yep it is me...and i still screw up and have moments of weakening...but i am also finding i was me all along...strong enough to survive so much crap...able to tell my mom now that what she is going through is her stuff and not mine to carry...able to let myself take time to figure things out...not try to fix anything but myself...do what i feel is right and not jump through anyone elses hoops...and the best part is to not let my heart go dark...but shine it brighter...i may not know where i am going or how i am going to get there yet...but i do know i can go anywhere and do anything i want...i have my birthright sitting inside me...i am alive and infinite...even when my body gives out...and no dysfunctional human or messed up situation or ignorant person can take away my souls enduring grace and beauty...i may not be much to look at on the outside but i am stunning in my inner world...where i have defeated so many horrible monstrous moments with the greatness of my beautiful soul...
love is not only the answer to everything...but love is all that matters...and if it doesnt feel loving i dont want to be around it...no darkness and fakery in my world...there is only kindness and goodness and love...i dont want any other garbage getting in...i dont deserve it...never did...and neither do you...
today is about not only taking the garbage out but the trash bin as well...no more of it is getting inside me...i feel very good about this...i dont need your garbage...i dont need any of this worlds garbage...stop producing it or drown in it...not my problem...it never was...i will still love you but i am not going to pick up your trash...that is your job...
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