Wednesday, January 23, 2013

somewhere else...


feeling it tonight...suddenly...the weight of the night pressing against me...the hum of the fridge too loud...being alone...and i want to be somewhere else...at the beach...or in the woods...up a tree or in a tent...somewhere else...but i am here...but where is here these days?...all of it i hoped it would be fell away...and i am changing...closing rooms in my heart and opening new ones...not sure of what to do now that so much fell away...i am definitely feeling the symbolic death of the old...even my body is helping me out on that one...

i did a journey tonight and ended up in that perfect summer of youth...the wild streaks of laughter out in the moonlight...camping...the snatching embers racing up into the night sky...the stars so close you could scoop them up with your hands...and a young girl sits with an older girl...touching hands softly and talking about the somedays coming at them...

waking in the morning in a damp tent...campfire breakfast and r.c.cola to wash it down...a hike or a work day helping to put in trails...deers crossing your path...woodpeckers tapping out messages quickly...break time and the kids on the work crew push over standing dead trees into the river...boots packed with mud...pants soaked from digging out buckets of creek rocks to throw on the trail...taking a detour trail when you smell a copperhead nearby...another time a detour as a skunk comes too close...

i was strong then...and brave...tanned and toned...full to the brim with dreams...with ambition...with young love...i worked hard and played harder...i ran every day and went to basketball practice...

summer was ending and the other girl went away...the tent got taken down...the summer job ended...the tan faded...the leaves fell...the snow came...and i was suddenly a high school senior...plotting and planning for a future of adventures...hopeful...

and life did the dance of time it does...some dreams made it and some dreams faded...some dreams didnt mean the same as i grew older...other dreams were still born...

and the bigger dreams i failed at...and they nearly broke me...and i sit here tonight without dreams...i had them as recently as last summer...good dreams...new dreams...and i was growing strong again...ready to turn 50 and have a fresh start...full of so much hope and genuinely excited...but then something happened i still dont understand...

it was as if i had my nose pressed against the toy store window and had the money in my pocket but the shop owner locked the door on me...no you cant have anything...your money is no good here...

and i didnt fight it...i walked up the road and turned the doorknob and stepped into this place...and behind these walls i search for understanding...i offer myself encouragement...i tell myself my body will get well and my heart will mend...that i will show up someplace and my offerings will have value...but for now i am working on getting well and not worrying about anything else...

maybe i am that girl again somewhere in me...maybe tonight i am sitting on that campground picnic table...looking up at the stars...smiling at the other girl beside me as she talks about her beagle and how she wants to go to california and "see the biggest trees you could ever hope to see kelley"....

maybe i can feel some of that youthful hope and excitement again...or at least some of the courage...dang i was definitely brave...

maybe i can stop feeling so damn old tonight...maybe she will visit me in my dreams and remind me how strong i can be...and that i still deserve better...

yep i am gonna dream of my younger self tonight...in my green work pants and t-shirt...my work boots and baseball cap...she is gonna teach me how to build dreams again...and believe again...


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