Tuesday, January 15, 2013

happy day

i am painting and painting today...my mind drifting into different worm holes of thought...still forming what i am doing now that i feel like i have some traction on my path again...and it isnt easy but i will figure it out...do the safe thing? do the by the seat of the pants adventuress thing? finally fully trust my own wisdom? where is my bliss? if i do my life will i be alone in it or will i be encouraged and supported? does it matter? alone feels better these days...no pressures...no drama...just the peace of my days...when i am around others they push up against me with stupid ego stuff i just dont have the patience for any more...BS annoys the heck out of me and plastic fake stuff literally makes my brain hurt!...i want to be in the woods or on the beach...i want to fly kites and eat pie at a diner at 3 a.m.....i want to grow a garden and sleep in a tent for an entire summer!...i want to take up running again...nothing is stopping me...

i guess i need to start trusting to be around a few folks again...inch my foot out into the world again...be me and let those who dont like it shove off...i dig me when i am alone like this...painting...bribing myself with brownies...taking dance breaks...i like that i can meditate and release tears of joy...i am happy when i touch the unseen and feel embraced by love...i lost some of my belief in others and in some systems of belief...

but i have gained this unstructured flowing belief...it is in the tops of trees swooping down at night...it is light on water...fog crawling ashore...squirrels digging holes...it is the smell of snowfall and the ladybug on my wall...it is the veins on the tops of my hands...it is in the smile that greets me each morning at the bathroom mirror...it is nature...it is me...this is what i believe in now...the god in everything...

there are systems i dont belief in...mean people i dont believe in...unkind acts i dont believe in...violent movies i dont believe in...yet i believe in the sip of water i just blessed...the soft yes in my heart...the darkness folding in tonight...

and i believe especially in love...but no surface love...i believe if you love it cant be faked or approached from cautious distances...i believe in the love that is so powerful it can crack open a boulder of barriers around someones heart...i believe real love is fearless...it is a potion so potent it can heal any brokenness within...it is a blast of light from the edge of forever caught in your heart before it is even sent to you...it is the most powerful force of unforced energy ever to be...and i adore the great artist dreamer who created it!

i have loved my day of creating art and thinking in and out of worm holes...i have loved feeling like me and being happy...i am so blessed to have had this day...what an adventure!

thank you god of everything...great artist dreamer...

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