i struggled to settle in last night...restless...very restless...the mood to run away and join the circus kinda restless...yet the painting is here and the last few days of it i am giving myself before i have to make decisions about what direction my life will go in now...so i am savoring it...enjoying the moment of weightless freedom...
being at the helm of my own life as a single person is not enjoyable but i can manage it...i tend to go in circles with no one at the helm with me...it feels unnatural and it is definetly unwanted...but it is my life right now and i will navigate it and do well...i have tremendous faith in myself and the unseen always with me...
the starting over part is nearly fulfilled...it has been a rough voyage to get to these calmer waters...i met some sea monsters along the way...and a couple of times the storms nearly overturned me...but i am by nature a survivor...though feeling like a castaway these days...i have learned though...i am never alone in this voyage...simply away from the company of other sailors at times...
now i see land...a chain of islands ahead...some bigger than others...i am sure it is much like hawaii in that each island offers something different...but all are beautiful...i have fought hard to get here...to find self love and self respect...to not put myself last any more or push myself to the breaking point for others but learn to care for my needs and make them just as important...in moments of great doubt i still feel selfish for taking this time alone...for not going out and doing the mainstream job even if my body cant take it right now...i feel like i should work at mending fences but i dont want to...let the sheep roam i hear myself say...
i have the quiet company of myself theses days and needed it...it will change...but i am not the same as i was before this voyage of deeper self discovery...i dont see others in the same way...i am less trusting...i am not as patient with the pushing people do...their egos all messy and tar like...i have no tolerance for it...
maybe i changed because the tar got too thick and was weighing me down...i simply got pulled under by their egos and drama...jealousy and envy are such poisons...i can smell it a mile away and find it so insulting...and i saw alot of that for years...and it wanted to climb into me...this ugly poison...i have never understood it...the push of ego is understandable...but the other...jealousy and envy...i dont fully understand this...it is a level of ownership another wants i simply struggle with understanding...doesnt make me better or worse...i just dont get some things...and i dont get the level of insecurity and desire to own another person...it isnt love...it is ego...
in this boat and in the crazy waves of some of my storms i found faith in the unseen to a greater and deeper level...yet lost my faith in religions and words and rules...only one thing floated to the surface of my own knowing or reached into me as these storms raged...this was the feeling of all encompassing love...it wasnt a wishy washy love...no butterfly wings and glitter...but this was a fiercely compassionate love...it bolted through me at times...pushing tears out and thrashing me wildly in those rough waters...it wanted me to get it...to learn from my past...to be stronger...to not harden my heart...to stay open...to let myself feel the pain and not numb out...
and so i was the eager student once more...learning how to let go...surrender...go with it...trust myself at last...listen to myself...do what was right for me...
and so the waters are calm today...the sun is shining brightly...i have a soft warm salty breeze sifting through my hair...i rock slowly and steadily to shore...i am nearly there...i can hear a heartbeat matching mine...a friendly hand ready to reach out and pull my battered little boat up on the sand...it is a dawn i am drawing near to...golden light pouring down over shimmering emerald water...i am happy to be here at last...
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