the cave...day 3

i didnt want to leave my journey this morning...it was warm and safe and full of wonder...the cave lifted its dark shadows and was full of rainbow light and filled with the warmth of the fire a kind woman built...i had so many guides sitting around...so much support...funny how i eat sleep and work in this quiet apartment surrounded outside by people and traffic and planes going overhead yet i am alone...but in the journey i am supported by kind company...able to relax and simply be myself...

i think i should let my apartment become a cave...shut out the ordinary unsafe world and let this space be of great inspiration as i create my art and recreate my life...it makes sense after the visit to the cave...

i have been going through alot of stress and emotional strain since returning to rhode island...my mom talking to me on the phone every day..."working on me" as she does to come back down to maryland...making her life sound so precarious when actually she has more at her disposal in life than i do right now...that is her way and i understand it...she has always been like this...but it still pulls at my heartstrings even as i know she is attempting to manipulate me...

and then there is being back in rhode island...dealing with hospital bills and my health...i am playing mad scientist with my body to see if i can lessen the effects of my unwellness ....and also approaching it from a spiritual slant as well...i know what creates my unwellness...it is my own undoing...so i am working on those broken pieces as well...finding each place of resistance and easing it loose until it is held out for surrender...the big one is a tough one to let go of though...but i am strong and i can face anything and will let go...i know why i dont...i know what it is...so it will be surrendered soon enough...there is a stage of mourning i must do...a ritual of sorts...in this cave of my creation...i will...

in this mornings journey i had a cave bear and coyote...a fox and a small dragon like creature...i had my kind buddhist monk and others...my shaman...i was in great comfort with blankets to sit on and some fruit if i needed it...i had songs being sung to me by a myriad of voices...both human and animal...what a beautiful blend...and in their singing the cave sung as well...a low hum of sorts...comforting me....giving me great peace...and i trusted them all in a way i dont trust others any more in ordinary reality...

in ordinary reality i feel more like a caged animal around people now...i feel like they have imprisoned me with their unkind thoughts and low opinions of me...but in my cave i feel lifted up and treated as an equal...not better or worse than...but an equal...it is nice to be here healing and recreating before going back into the world of people...other is not appreciated in this unkind world...but in non ordinary reality all is respected...it is becoming my home and this other world is just a place my body has to be...not a bad way to live right now...the world being what it is...

and i know this caged feeling will no longer touch me when i surrender more to what i struggle with now...and i know i need to make myself very strong now because the times we are living in are getting ready to be of even a greater challenge...the world is not making a peaceful transition...change often does come with tragedy because as humans we tend to let things slide into disrepair until it becomes so broken the work to fix it is so much harder...but i have faith even though it all is so incredibly broken...i have to believe good folks will risk it and be brave...though it seems many are cowardly right now...hiding out in their dysfunctions and building more elaborate facades...i know winter and smile...winter will change this...something is coming and it will change everything...the winds of change...they are coming down into the valleys of many closed hearts...and then it will begin to turn around...it already is...in the shouts and mourning cries of those who see the innocent suffer...these are the winds that blow open the doors of many hearts...and in my small way i open my heart more and more and am the change being added to this broken hearted world...in healing myself i help heal the world...from my cave i am changing the world into what i wish to see it as...kind...compassionate...giving...open hearted...unselfish...forgiving...because i am changing me...

later...in the fire of the cave i see hope...i see the old burning away as i put my struggles in the flames...i see the flames leap images on the cave walls...giving me inspiration and reassurance...and i feel a kind permission to live how i choose to live...that those who love me will support me as i am and those who are hard hearted and fearful will be done with me...peace will rise up for all great lovers in 2013...no matter what comes at us...our hearts will be in a nest of peace...