getting it done!

last big blow out push before the end of the calendar year and the last big clearing away of stupid stupid junk from myself so winter season really takes hold and i am flowing fully in the groove rather than always stopping myself short...ya know i know this self work stuff backwards and forwards yet i still stop short of really looking directly at the last pile of crap right in front of me...always dealing with the sidebar stuff...or saying this is my BIG issue (trust) but then i move away from really dealing with it all...looking to the either side of it...like a dog who does that little sideways glancing at you because it knows..oh it knows you are gonna say "bad dog"...well for me i am the looker and the look-awayer at the same time...so yikes!...but it has gotta be done...so i am looking at my poo today...the whole nasty thing...and i really dont like it and want to throw up my hands and go play in the snow or even better go have hot soup at some chinese eatery and not feel anything but warmth from the soup instead of this cold stark reality i am sitting in front of...oh well...i will deal with my stuff and make soup later...

so to the next round of my journey into the cave and deal...

~*~

 

in the deepest part of the cave...no guides...nothing...creeping along listening to the drip drip drip of water somewhere...i make my way to it...notice something at my feet...a flashlight...how convenient i thought...i get snarky sometimes in a journey when i start putting up defenses...but realized i should be better behaved and pay attention...

 

i turned the flashlight on and there was a slow drip from above splashing into a dark pool...i held my light over the pool of water and knew it was a mirror i was meant to look into...but instead of a reflection of my face it was a reflection of my thoughts...all the flashes of thoughts came to the surface...speeding up and slowing down...each unfolding as i thought them...and the trick i knew was to empty my mind of thoughts so what was behind my thoughts could surface...

 

and so i let go and let go and stilled myself...i suppose this is why i have been drawn to doing deep still meditation over the last few months...i was readying myself for this moment...

 

i sat by the water...the flashlight shining a beam of light onto the dark surface...the drip of the water drawing me into my stillness...the ripples becoming waves washing over me...emptying me out...and there it began...on the surface of this pool but also in my surroundings...the resurfacing of memories...without any attachment of emotions...without much of anything other than the seeing of them...the faces of others over this past year...happiness and kindness...anger and hurt...fears and unhappiness...their fakery and phony ways...all the masking and unmasking...then i felt their suffering...it slipped out of me as each memory came up...each drop of suffering i took on dropped into the pool...

 

when this year of suffering/toxins had been removed it seemed as if the consciousness around me asked if i want more removed...and i did...heck yeah!...this is just what i needed and then to never do it again...take on other peoples toxic stuff...they still suffered and also didnt learn and kept doing their silly suffering...what was i thinking all these years!....oh yeah...that i would somehow get love and acceptance...duhhhhh...that was dumb...got just the opposite...

 

i was feeling lighter and wanted all of it gone...i didnt have to think of the times i took on other folks stuff...it all came...flowing out of me...drops became a stream gushing out of my belly...and all the water retention i have been suffering from for months made sense now...the toxins building up and making me sick...the ovary angry and sitting like a dead seed pod in me...it all made sense now...and why even the thought of being around others right now was making me dizzy...i knew i couldnt shield myself from their suffering or their disharmony with me...it would consume me more...flood me more...the endless feelings of drowning i have had makes sense now...as the suffering i have taken on was draining from my body the flooding feeling was leaving me...

 

phew...

 

so the pool swallowed all of it and began transforming it...the flashlight was clear light from a place of spirit i realized...guiding the toxins from me...extracting the sorrow...showing me what i have been doing to myself that benefited no one...and caused damage to me...

 

and then a voice spoke from the darkness...my shaman guide..."those who dwell in their own ignorance and avoidance hear no voice of truth or see no visionary sights...only falsehoods they invent to shore up a broken heart...they see only darkness and sorrow...they hear only the echoing of their fearful thoughts...you are not to live this way....come into the light"

 

and the pool shined brightly and i stepped in...i was filled with the warm flood of light...it was watery yet not...it came through every pore and opening...it filled every cell...it reached into my heart and bathed my soul...and asked me if i was willing to come back and go deeper and finally look at this last part...

 

i am...

 

i am going to rest and then i will brave this last journey into the cave...i am surrendering to the unseen today...trusting love...i am worth it...