unearthing my anger

this painting is called "the pearl of truth"...my truth is i have been a very angry person inside often...tantruming inside at times...

i had days in a hospital bed to think...i had signs and messages come to me...and in the endless hours of painting last night anger came...so much of it cloaked in red...red screams of pain coursing through my gut...angry sorrow at not having a family...the brutal reality that i am alone because this is all i create for myself...anger at others for how they have treated me...anger...and so i used the blues of the ocean to soothe my suffering...

i push people away at the same time i long to be with them...i annoy them...i frustrate them...i dont let down my guard...i dont ask for help because this feels to vulnerable to me...and they lack patience in my learning curve...

i take so little for myself...those endless feelings of unworthiness...i make it hard on people to be around me at times because i "martyr" myself...and oh that word pisses me off when people use it on me...it touches my most damaged place within me...yet i do it to myself...i deny myself so much...and ask so little...and expect only the leftovers from others...and they give me the leftovers...i get the rejections...i am left out...because it is all i think i am worth...

i struggle even to be hugged...touch is too much at times...i miss the days of hurtful sex and physical abuse...they felt normal...that was at least an intimacy in a way...it was attention i could tolerate...i didnt have to let anyone in...i just went through the motions...and that is all they wanted from me anyway...until they even stopped wanting me...more rejection...more affirmation i am unlovable...

i choose women who just wanted me to be there in no special way...just be there...when they wanted company or attention...when they wanted intimacy...when they needed something...so i got use to being a lapdog...yet there was this small speck of me which rebelled...

and my rebellion was wrong...full to the brim with passive aggressive wrong behavior towards the other person...i caused them suffering and this is shameful...i got them to reject me to feed those places in me which needed reaffirmed i was unlovable...

i long for the day when intimacy is a hand holding mine and a long afternoon of just cuddling...that i could allow my body to relax into this...rather than find relief in sex and someone's anger towards me...i long for this and yet it doesnt come because i have not created peace within myself for it to come...

i expected to be loved and cherished while i didnt love and cherish myself...i was seeking acceptance from another while creating myself as a person who was easy to reject...

i am so very sorry to my friends for being that person you dont want to be around now...i feel the loss...i feel the sorrow of what i have done...i am a miserable and ill person...i cave in and go it alone when all i want is some simple company...to watch a movie or sit on the beach...but summer goes by and i have spent so much of it alone...days and days of being alone...it has taken an incredible toll...but i did this...

last night i wanted to pick up the phone and call someone i love very much but i couldnt...i couldnt reach out...too vulnerable...so i wait for manna to drop from heaven...i wait for a phone call...or an email or any crumb tossed my way...because that is all i think i deserve...and i think noone really wants to be around me...they just pity me and have me around them when they can tolerate it...

and in this self devaluing spin cycle of years...decades!...there was still that small part...an irritation of another way...the pearl of truth...growing bigger...pushing against the shell i created around my vulnerability...

and there it is...the pain in my body...the last bit of my reproductive mechanics...an ovary...growing bigger...reminding me of all i missed out on...of my great failures...it is there and i cant even get in to see a doctor...it is the place in me where my anger sits...i want to rip it out and yet i have to sit with it and know it and feel it and forgive myself...forgive all of it...all the lies i told myself...all the times i let women touch me because i pretended they loved me when they really didnt...all the times i pushed loving women away because they werent willing to punish me...sick twisted thinking? we do it to ourselves all the time...all the times i sought approval from my parents but got rejection...never able to do enough...

all those lonely and painful years i have spent starving for love and yet choosing those who would not offer me a seat at the feast...and i still have...i still have done this to myself...

we do what we do because it was done to us as children and it became our belief too...not good enough...not pretty enough...not smart enough...not...until we enter adulthood and seek out others who then shore up the falsehood placed into us as children...

the sweet and loving nest of my being got buried...and over it a shell...but the spirit is wise...a pearl was placed...a spec of truth...a simple phrase...i am worthy...and this spec grew...

and in my painting last night the pearl came...the pearl of truth...i am lovable...i am worthy...i deserve a good woman's arms around me...i dont need to settle...i dont have to fall in love with women who will deny me love...i can be comfortable around friends...i can be vulnerable and let others in...i can ask for more than crumbs and leftovers...

if someone says they are going to take me to the beach or spend time with me and they dont follow through i can let them know it hurts...if i am treated with disrespect i can speak up...if i am told a negative view of myself i dont have to accept it  if it is not my view...i can feel what i feel...i can do things my own way...i can walk away... 

anger is a tool for learning...but when you deny anger it takes root and twists up inside you...taking up room where good can grow and root instead...

i leaned this painting against the wall at 4:30 this morning...after painting it for hours...i put healing and love into this painting...it is not a great work but it is good...and i hope it speaks to others as well...

as i followed the curves and connected with the layers...as i saw the pearl hovering in a cave on an island...domed by the healing energy of water...fish symbolizing rebirth...i let the anger in me wash away...in tears...in the salty ocean tears...

and i promised myself i would not be the same when i woke up...i havent slept since saturday...though i have done the corpse pose a friend showed me to relax my body...i have painted and thought through so much...all nights painting jag turned into an all day thinking one...working on what i need to change about myself so folks can enjoy me...so i can enjoy my own life...because basically i am a good person...i have just made myself sick again...and punished myself again...so tonight i will go to sleep...and let my body rest in the nest of my spirit...and there i will let love in...and finally allow my heart to mend...deeply and for good...

there is so much love in me and so much i can contribute to the world and to my friends and family...there is a good life i can create for myself...there is hope as i lay my head down to finally rest tonight...there is great hope my shell will break and this pearl of truth will crack open and all the fears will float away...

my prayer tonight as i get ready to turn in is one i humbly ask...that angels and guides stand by me and protect me...the grace of the unseen come...the christ of love and healing enter my most sacred place...the wisdom of buddha's compassion expand my knowing...the loved ones who have gone on return their essence and hold me...as i drift on the ocean of forgiveness and let go...surrender...

~~O~~