the wildfire before the rain

illness is a vehicle for greater insight...fevers burn away the debris of negative influences...you can pull up righteous anger and do battle with your illness...it is the shield in which you use to approach your illness...it keeps it from taking that fatal venomous bite...you get close...find the spot in you...the epicenter of your wounding and then the shield is removed and you blast it with light...you are doing laser surgery on it...cutting it out of you...whatever emotional pain has twisted inside of you...you created it...it became physical...now you control its destruction..now you are not ignorant or deny yourself healing...use western medicine or eastern...it is all the same...it will not work if you dont work with yourself first...

i had a high fever last night...it burned through me like a wildfire...i stood at the sink and gulped tons of water...i stood in the shower and cried and cooled off...head throbbing...body so weak i had to sit and let the shower pour down on me...and then everything emptied out of my body...i threw up and also the other...empty, exhausted, as weak and vulnerable as a baby...i wrapped myself up in a blanket and curled up on the bathroom floor...rain came...flying through the open window...grey and wild and wonderful...


this year has been a wild ride of emotions and battles to endure...to transition...to transform...i am nearing the other side now...good timing because i am stepping into my 50s now..i am loving my art again and feeling good about it...i am accepting my path as a shamanic artist...i am nature centered and live differently but in a way that doesnt contribute to the killing of this planet and the life on it...i am reclaiming my confidence and trusting my instincts...

i still want a family but refuse to settle...i want a partner who isnt homophobic and includes me in their life...who risks it along side me...who isnt a coward when it comes to love...i want someone who will lean on me and allow me to lean on them...i want respect...i have self respect now and wont go back to feeling like crap about myself when someone takes a cheap shot...i wont allow myself to doubt my abilities or listen to critics...i want a gentle woman who loves animals but doesnt use them to replace human affection...i want a kind woman who smiles at me when i walk in the room and lets me sit beside her...i want to be able to be loving towards her and to gentle myself...i want monogamy...i want compassion as well as passion...i want days at the beach and nights under the stars...i want friendship...i want hand holding...i want to plant seeds together and grow flowers taller than we are...i want to travel together and see amazing parts of nature together...i want to grow young with someone as our bodies grow old...i not only want this...but i deserve it...i have most certainly earned it if it had to be earned...and i have the strength to give as well as the strength to accept great levels of love...

i finally slept if not for long after my fever broke last night/this morning...i woke up knowing my body was emptied out of alot of toxins...i wrote myself a prescription for wellness last night...

to feed my body organic, clean food prepared by kind hearts as often as i can

to drink more water

to sleep in a better and more regular way

to feed my spirit with the company of good folks

to be in nature...even when i am sick...especially...to sit outside more...and to most certainly go to the beach more...it hasnt happened enough this summer...to not wait for company but go alone or to brave it and ask another directly instead of waiting to be asked...

to keep rebuilding my art career...to actually take it to heart now and not waste time on useless misdirection...

to love myself and accept myself without doubt...to be myself and not care about those who are tough on me...and for me to not be tough on others...but expand my compassion and deepen my spiritual practice...

i am glad i got sick...i am glad my spirit and body met up last night and decided i needed a huge cleansing...i am grateful...the pain is less today and for this i am profoundly grateful...

i walked into my studio soon to be a bedroom and loved the simple words...go with grace...i am going with grace today...