Tuesday, August 14, 2012

swimming lessons



no sleep coming...so i write and paint and think and scheme...

i think about moving back home to west virginia...maybe i would fit nicely up a dirt road in a small patch of "almost heaven"...keep to my own kind...but then i dont fit there much any more either...

leap frogging thoughts now...about the journey i had earlier...a dolphin guide telling me to let go...see where it all takes me...i shapeshifted and became a dolphin...it felt good...to not be weighed down by the silly angst of human love...to swim with the moment and be one with the ocean...it felt so free...i didnt want to return...i just wanted to be free...and the dolphin said laugh at it all colleenie (she called me colleenie which is cute)...it is silly...and tedious and all so predictably human...the "all of it" i know but am not going to bore what readers i might have tonight...there is so much in the all of it...knowing what others think of me...reading between the lines...getting it and still trying not to swallow it...they think of me one way but do they ever take the time to get to know the inside of me...i go invisible though and make it easy on them...they dont have to bother with me then...and if i move i will really go invisible...

i fantasize about it tonight...just packing up and heading out...letting go...no more struggle...just climb into the woods and be still...off the grid...painting and making things...growing food...living off the land...goodbye to the ocean...goodbye to it all...live til i dont...it feels like a relief almost...to leave here...to stop trying to fit in...

it would be nice to be in the woods and taste the green of each morning and the smell the damp earth beneath my feet in the fall...the crisp air of winter snatching at my cheeks and the thaw of spring's rebirth...

i miss the honeysuckle thick in the air and the deer stepping out of the cornfields on a quiet sunday morning...i miss the bob whites and the black bears...i miss the cow ponds and minnow filled creeks...i miss the red clay stuck on my boots and the soft flannel shirts...i miss how i could walk into a diner and see a whole family say grace before eating their fried eggs and grits...i miss my brothers grave...i miss the the broken sidewalks and the courthouse lawn...i miss the big holly tree in town where the red birds gathered...i miss the church bells...i can hear the train snaking along the valley...the whistle sounding like a wounded animal...i see the bass jumping in the lake and the blue butterfly lapping up minerals in the dirt where the shore receded and deposited her feast...i long to rest my head on a mound of moss and watch a mushroom come to life in the span of hours...

and yet here i am in an apartment on the third floor in cranston ri...surrounded by paintings and the songs of crickets reaching up from below...cars gliding by and the darkness cut open by streetlights and a gas station sign...here i am trying to connect to others with all this vulnerability and struggle i have going on...each day hoping the doctor's office grants me an appointment...each day hopeful i will wake up and feel better...

what would i miss about here? a handful of folks who i occasionally see, who have enough friends and family...the ocean...i would miss the ocean, a few trees i have grown close to...i try to have a long list for here but there isnt one...this is a tough little state and a hard region to connect with...i want more...and i am not even sure what more is anymore...just that missing something...and less struggle...

and i feel like being quiet and letting this dolphins advice sink to the bone...let go...laugh at it all...

and when i sleep tonight i will swim...in emerald waters...deep...with the mermaids...steering clear of the shallow parts where the humans play...taking swimming lessons from a dolphin who calls me colleenie...

C{0~~~(



  



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