pockets full of stories...

A Litany for Survival

by Audre Lorde

"For those of us who live at the shoreline
standing upon the constant edges of decision
crucial and alone
... for those of us who cannot indulge
the passing dreams of choice
who love in doorways coming and going
in the hours between dawns
looking inward and outward
at once before and after
seeking a now that can breed
futures
like bread in our children's mouths
so their dreams will not reflect
the death of ours:

For those of us
who were imprinted with fear
like a faint line in the center of our foreheads
learning to be afraid with our mother's milk

for by this weapon
this illusion of some safety to be found
the heavy-footed hoped to silence us
For all of us
this instant and this triumph
We were never meant to survive.

And when the sun rises we are afraid
it might not remain
when the sun sets we are afraid
it might not rise in the morning
when our stomachs are full we are afraid
of indigestion
when our stomachs are empty we are afraid
we may never eat again
when we are loved we are afraid
love will vanish
when we are alone we are afraid
love will never return
and when we speak we are afraid
our words will not be heard
nor welcomed
but when we are silent
we are still afraid
So it is better to speak
remembering
we were never meant to survive.”

~Audre Lorde, The Black Unicorn: Poems

i pulled this poem up today because so much came up in me last night...dreams crashed in on me all night...pulling me down more and more as the night grew thicker...i could barely breath at one point...waking up gulping for air...struggling in a drowning dream in which i died and sunk to the bottom of murky water...i was an old woman with stones in her pockets...when i died i fell through the bottom of the lake i was in and stood in a field watching a fire consume everything but me...i only felt the torture of the flames licking skin from my body...

another dream i was sitting inside a quiet house with sophie from the book "sophie's choice"...it was a book i read as a young woman and it still haunts me...her death and what broke her still brings up strong emotions...for many years i worried the struggles of my heart would break me...and so i sat with her at her kitchen table as she nervously smoked her cigarettes and kept drinking strong coffee...it was as if we were waiting...for a person to appear...or a bus to stop outside we would get on...we waited...but then i realized we were waiting for time to be done with us...to just sit and wait for it all to be over...yet we both knew it was not coming quick enough...

another dream of going to my hometown...of driving my mother to my grandmothers...somehow my grandmother was still alive...sitting in a chair...and the old man...her husband...was running around...it all felt the most surreal...i only understood one moment as anything i knew growing up...when he went out the door calling her "baby doll"...that was always his nickname for her...and as he left this time he gave her a small bottle of perfume...and i remember he would always give her these gifts she never liked...would always complain about when he was gone...would toss aside...this brought alot up in me...

when i did wake up this morning i didnt know where i was...i didnt know if i was young or old...my apartment was cold...it felt like my grandmothers room...a moment of real terror...to be in a room like hers..to create that in my life...her cold, sick room...little wonder my mom became just like her mom...in the dream they could have been twins...with their crippled bodies...how my mom acts...how she thinly hides out now...there really is no place to hide her dysfunctions now...i have so much compassion for her at times i can feel my heart glowing...she has no idea how much i wish she had been able to free herself from her suffering...to be healthy spiritually, physically and mentally...she was poisoned by the craziness of her childhood and never had the strength to extract the poison...even as she gets overwhelmed with it all sometimes and directs it at me i do understand and find compassion...i do get why she broke...i just will not allow the poison in me to spread...i am removing every damaged cell, ever drop of toxic suffering from me...i hoped this for her...i think she may have in small degrees...i think she will die with the poison in her though...and this is sad...still i pray for her...

and so i string these dreams together today...and do a journey into them...and a line of lordes poem echoed in my journey..."we were never meant to survive"...

and this is true...but some of us do...and find meaning in life...or at least a tolerance for life...and then some very blessed ones find purpose...even a simple purpose...to keep us tethered to our own body and to keep it from being painful to experience our own lives...

for me taking a breath in the morning and opening my eyes was painful at times...i just didnt want to live in this world...people were unkind and cold...i longed to be held and told everything would be ok...i struggled with isolation and feelings of being worthless...

even this last year i felt thrown away or low on the list with others...yet i had what sophie never discovered...what my own grandmother and mother could not find beyond their wounds of low self esteem...i found acceptance...

i didnt find it from others...in fact rejections have changed part of me...i wont trust others easily again...i dont say this is a bad thing...i have armor now and will not be harmed again...i have self respect now...this is what i found...self respect...

i am no longer desperate for acceptance from others...truth of it is i have been "cured" of that...i honestly could care less what others think of me...good or bad...it is more important how i feel about myself and my choices...

i have acceptance from myself...i have an immense feeling of worthiness within me...

i am not my mother, my grandmother, sophie...i am not giving up...i will not wade into my crone years with stones in my pockets...i will not sit and wait for death...i will not allow the poison to snake through my veins more than it has...i am healing myself...and i did see this as i dreamed...i sat with their despair but i did not despair...there is an amazing victory in this...not pockets full of stones for me...but pockets filled with stories...

a journey...

in the palm of my hand i held the crystals...each one filled with clear light...i handed them out to those around me and when i was done there was still one...in the middle of each crystal was a single wish...some folks wished for houses...others wished for fame...others for wellness and even more for youth to return to them...i held my crystal up and looked at it for the longest time...i could be practical or wasteful...i could wish for a mound of gold or an island paradise...but all i wanted at that very moment was to have my hand held...and so i wished for this...and it was granted...for as long as i stayed in my journey i felt the simple pleasure and immense happiness of holding a hand...and i am still smiling and letting that gentle company linger as night draws the covers nearer and sleep calls to me...i am at peace...

in my cave seeing great things...

my spiritual retreat is nearing an end...i have just a few more days of self imposed isolation...i must say it has been much needed...the solitude...not having so much assault my senses...keeping it all simple...not doing the dishes at times or even leaving the apartment for days...it has allowed me to sit quietly with my thoughts...ask deep questions...look into dark corners...open my heart more...untangle knots of frustration and hurt...heal wounds....embrace the small sweet seeds of new dreams i will soon plant...

i am painting and exploring some images...writing stories and getting to know characters who want to tell their stories...

the journey work has given me so much...showing me how to navigate these new times and what i am to do with the winter season and beyond...my prayers and meditations are helping give me strength and expanding my soul's presence into my days and nights...

dreams are forming around themes i still struggle with...dreaming brings great moments of clarity...

i have changed in many ways in such a short time...but this happens when you are outside of time and can do the long work there...what would have taken years has come in weeks...it is remarkable when i think of it from inside time...yet in the journey world of dealing with themes and patterns it is all timeless...it is easy to line up the lessons and receive them...

some beliefs have fallen away...some people are gone from my life...some things i use to do for self protection i dont do anymore for they are....hmmm...their "use by" date has expired...

words to encompass all this work falls short...and i am still working on some of it...but i am happy and becoming grounded in a way that is crone-like i think...or as if i had an owl spirit on my shoulder all the time...i certainly have a wonderful crazy fun angelic guardian who watches out for me and cheerleads me...s/he is teaching me how to laugh again and loosen up...

my apartment has become the perfect cave for a few weeks now...and for a wee longer still i will paint and do the work on myself i need to finish...but today i am napping and letting myself take a painting break...then more at some point i suppose as the sun goes down and i am reinvigorated by the nap...

i so needed this time to listen to myself and get reacquainted with parts of myself i buried many years ago...i thought i had lost myself after this past year...too old to revisit some dreams and create new ones...but i think i was having my energy drained by some things...now it is coming back and i am much relieved...and for the first time in i dont know how long i have not had my typical winter depression cycle...that is incredible...now i get to have the fun and enjoyment of figuring out what i want to do...i already have the childlike excitement in knowing i can do anything i want to do...

it is all wicked cool!

gratitude

yours is the smile which makes it all the way to the center of my soul...

 

like a warm stream of sunlight pouring through the trees...

you bring the greenness of life into me...

 

i smile back and say thank you with my eyes...

 

this is love...this is life...

i am taking the garbage out

i am questioning things on a very deep level right now...letting myself be objective and subjective as i take on the issues coming up in me...letting myself feel anger if it comes up...looking at it as a mr. spock would..."fascinating" i hear that pointy eared vulcan say with his one eyebrow raised...

and it is fascinating to walk deeper into myself...i have done so much heavy work on myself...navigating the PTSD (thanks you crazy adults of my childhood) and nearly removing all the triggers that set me off...i have looked at what hooks me and keeps me recycling my suffering themes...practical in my detachment of my own suffering so i can look at it and not be clawing the walls of myself to try to escape dealing with it all...

i am now at the point where i stopped making excuses for others in my childhood and adulthood that treated me crappy...yes i see the why of it...why they did what they did...but i freaking didnt deserve it and it finally pisses me off that they used me for their own power tripping...they used me like a toilet to get some relief from their own pain...but hey i never deserved it...i was just broken down enough to let them...now i am not...and THAT feels good...i am not here to make them feel better or say oh it is ok...when it isnt ok...when i was a child i deserved kindness and protection...when i became an adult i deserved respect and to be treated with dignity...i gave permission for folks to walk all over me and treat me like an idiot because i bought into the crap adults fed me when i was a kid...i dont any more...

and you know what?...as all this stupid garbage was being thrown at me in the last few months...through memories of my childhood or by the recent behavior of others...i began to feel this amazing person step forward...she had a straight back and an unbowed head...she made eye contact and remained peaceful...she didnt hide her tears or back down from speaking what was in her heart...she was afraid but brave...and that person...yep it is me...and i still screw up and have moments of weakening...but i am also finding i was me all along...strong enough to survive so much crap...able to tell my mom now that what she is going through is her stuff and not mine to carry...able to let myself take time to figure things out...not try to fix anything but myself...do what i feel is right and not jump through anyone elses hoops...and the best part is to not let my heart go dark...but shine it brighter...i may not know where i am going or how i am going to get there yet...but i do know i can go anywhere and do anything i want...i have my birthright sitting inside me...i am alive and infinite...even when my body gives out...and no dysfunctional human or messed up situation or ignorant person can take away my souls enduring grace and beauty...i may not be much to look at on the outside but i am stunning in my inner world...where i have defeated so many horrible monstrous moments with the greatness of my beautiful soul...

love is not only the answer to everything...but love is all that matters...and if it doesnt feel loving i dont want to be around it...no darkness and fakery in my world...there is only kindness and goodness and love...i dont want any other garbage getting in...i dont deserve it...never did...and neither do you...

today is about not only taking the garbage out but the trash bin as well...no more of it is getting inside me...i feel very good about this...i dont need your garbage...i dont need any of this worlds garbage...stop producing it or drown in it...not my problem...it never was...i will still love you but i am not going to pick up your trash...that is your job...

i am humming tonight...

so much is falling away and i am having a deeper understanding of my life and why i am the way i am...journeys and self work have helped but also it has created alot of questioning of things i have believed in and feel like they do not serve me now...maybe it comes down to believing in one thing...love...and if it isnt loving it isnt something i believe in...

winter to me is like this great metaphor...it gets cold and quiet as the stars seem so crowded and close...i feel so small in it all...and as if i am light years away from everything...yet in this isolation i feel the hum of a connection still vibrating through me...as stars and planets and particles and conscious lifeforms big and small all hum with energy...and i smile from my spec of light which is me...i smile knowing i am part of the hum too...and the hum is love...

all is humming tonight...some in desperate suffering...others heavy with their long lonely pile of years...still others with diseased bodies and then newborn ones of innocent wonder...through animals and plants...in molecules of water to the tips of each snowflake's point...buried in each grain of sand...everything is humming...humming with love...if we allow ourselves to stay connected we will be with this endless song of love... 

i failed to hum well today...i hum now...and feel the love of my little spec of light...it is the best i can do light years away from everything...but it is enough...sending love...receiving love...tuned in...

time passages

wow i did a journey a few minutes ago that really was perfect...what i needed to know again from a younger self...

started getting this massive headache yesterday...felt like my eyeballs would pop out of my head...now it is less but dizzy this morning...looking at my to do list early this morning i marked half of it "to do tomorrow"...eyes so blurry painting is going to be difficult  today but i will try...and the heat didnt work last night or this morning...space heater for now in my studio room and hope for an easy fix to problem later today...other things piled up on me this morning but ya kinda get the idea?

so i sat down and said a prayer first...it was full of gratitude...i do know i have so much compared to others and so in knowing this i send all my love to those who are struggling today and hope in some way they know as i know we are not alone and are cheered on by the unseen...

then meditated and it was nice to empty out my hurting head for a bit...

next off into a journey to my headache and all the external headaches in my life right now...asking what is it i need revealed to myself today? i am open for any teaching for assistance in the struggles of this day...

ended up in a cabin i was house sitting for in the early 90's...wood stove and a beautiful view on the side of a tall hill...scrap wood to paint on...deer in the field to watch...peepers singing at night...early fall...could sit out on the deck and sing and just let time slowly slip under my skin...i had turned thirty and thought this is it...this is the year i start a family and settle down...and since then i have come very close...but now i sit in a cold apartment single again with a headache the size of texas...just turned 50 and i journeyed to that 30 year old self who was so full of hope...

i sat with her...watched her painting...she was not worrying about money or her health or anything...she was happy in a cabin for the two weeks...she had some groceries and a few extra bucks...she had some peaceful friends who loved her and she had this way of seeing things in such a positive way...she had company when she needed it but loved her borrowed dogs her friends loaned her and the solitude for work...she was happy more than unhappy as she looked ahead and daydreamed of her own piece of land with a beloved...her own dog and a couple of kids running around...she would make them food from scratch and sing them to sleep and tell amazing stories and the house would be filled with music and art projects and plays and all manner of creativity...she sat there painting and tearing up at the thought of it...

she looked up and smiled at me...i told her i missed that sense of optimism...time is running out and the idea of the family i wanted is gone...she was sad for me and i told her not to be...i just made choices and trade offs...who is to say they werent right...she asked about my life and i told her...she saw the good and the not good of my choices and understood...i laughed and said it was the libra in her...

we drank tea and watched the sun go down...gave each other a hug...i thanked her for the gentle moments of peace with her...she was such a peaceful easy going woman...odd to say about yourself but there it is...to see yourself as a person was i think this journeys meaning...to see what i am going through right now as something to have concern about...to care and not give up or give in and settle any more...it is like all the fight left out of me in one big whoosh this past year...i know the moment it did and i know i have to journey back to that moment and the other moments and reclaim my power but it is hard...i honestly dont have the stomach for it right now...but i know at some point very soon i will have to...

i still see my younger self smiling at me and it helps...i wish i could take those years and do it differently but you cant...so here is the thing...perhaps i will live to be 60 or 70...will i sit in even worse shape journeying back and wishing i had done this time differently?...what then will i do to give my 60 year old self comfort and happiness and peace?...what can i begin to do today to give that to the woman i will be next week even?...

good questions to ask in a journey i suppose...though i am beginning to feel as if i already am forming the answers...keep it simple like she did...stay focused and self motivated...this time make my choices from my awakened mind and decide what is best for me...

so i will go take some more sinus meds, drink plenty of fluids, hot shower, blast the space heater in my studio room...paint...remember to eat...love myself through the day and at night let myself do the journeys i need to do to repair the damage...and build a nicer stack of days and years for the woman i am now and will be at 60...