in my right palm...turned up in praise...a dragonfly landed...it stayed with me in its last moments of life...resting upon my life line...
nothing is wasted in nature not even the act of death...all is woven by the beloved as we undress our wounds and ask for a healing...my prayer was answered...it is as simple as accepting the answer and the actions one is asked to take...
this dragonfly...a healer...rested on my wounds as both of us prayed for each other that day...
and there began my heartfelt journey...there began my final epic quest...to transform my suffering into a new life force...to find my way back from the dead...
imaginal cells were dormant in me but as i reached deeper for truth...the truth set the cells free...
cells...like building blocks...formed deep within my world...
i left the edge of me...crawling into the mystery...
i climbed a branch of thought on the tree of life and made myself a home away from the outside world...
slowly the imaginal cells began to shapeshift my pain...slowly all i thought i was dissolved...only emptiness remained...
as i began to feel foreign to myself fear gripped at my melting bones...panic kept me jolting awake to the change...doubts collected in my mind...beginning to add too much weight...
yet the branch of thought held strong..the tree of life stood still...and in this place of refuge
i began to let go and regenerate...
at first it was too much...to feel all the love that had been waiting...flow so easily in to me...
held by the unseen beloved of all yet i nearly tore myself away...
but i have always been driven by more than fears...i had a mission to complete...i knew i was more than my sorrow...i am the resurrection of my original self...
in the stillness i let the process make its self known to me...each part of my body surrendering...
the world i saw with one pair of eyes was leaving...a new pair of eyes came up to see the world i was reentering...
hands that once took up a battle ax...now became hands that would hold tools...
feet that walked into every broken place now were feet that would simply stop and turn away...
the heart that once took on others pain became a heart flowing with love...resistant to the beguiling ways of others who suck the life out of those who love in compassionate ways...
the belly where suffering churned became a cave of wisdom...the carved up misery of a uterus taken from me became a carved crystal bowl of blessings...my blood was cleansed and filled with vitality...my bones covered with loving psalms...muscles toned with jazzy notes...flesh kissed ripe with the sun...
recovered from a tomb of my own living hell...i was now reshaped and in the sacred yes of redemption i received my wings...
upon the branch i sit ready to fly away...find the life i wanted...before i gave my dreams away...
the transformation from the willing victim to the self loving being i am today has not been easy...i came to the brink of taking my own life...then for a time i let go of those things and people most precious to me so i could be alone and go deep into the wilderness of myself...through the darkest parts where i healed horrible wounds...into the unknown parts where i explored and found more wounds...to the greener places in me...the places where i am strong and loving and kind to myself...
i kept going there...til i was brave enough to let myself change into who i originally was...long ago...when i was pure and without wounds...
the tree of life is there...the healing...the acceptance of all my past wrongful actions...i confessed everything to the tree...
i built a loving altar beneath the tree....
all my wounds came to the altar of love to be transformed...i humbled myself...conscious of the knowledge i am not god but of god...standing in the consciousness of god...the beloved unseen...
i held my fears like a macabre security blanket all these years...as if they were keeping me safe...but as time past and through many journeys i began to break free of the patterns so ignorantly created in me as a child...my mother is a great weaver of fear...she is weighed down by a heavy blanket of fears to this day...but i kicked the blanket off often and lived more of my life out from under the covers...
under that tree i let go of fears and climbed...and let the chrysalis hold me...there in that swirl of imaginal cells i let go of more fears and said yes...yes to my own redemption...yes to forgiving myself for all i thought to be failures...yes to the love waiting to embrace me...cocoon me...transform me in a chrysalis of light...
i am renewed...a new born...full of wisdom untapped...unsure of what to do...but trusting fully this next part will be what i need it to be to give me those things my heart is drawn to...i am so in love with my new life as it rises before me like the dawn...shimmering on my new wings...i am eager to taste the nectar of life flowering open...i look forward to these new days...this new season...this new life...
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