Tuesday, July 10, 2012

art heals

back to painting like the old days...hours upon hours obsessed with pushing paint along a surface...my hands feverishly reaching for a tube of paint...layering...moving from one area to another...breaking composition rules...not following color placement...thumbing my nose at teachers and that skinny little critic who gave me a lecture once and patted me on the head...

in my studio i am in control...i am the judge and jury...i am not told by anyone what i can and can not do...in this room...in this world...i am the god...

and then i step out of the room and into another and sit...and the thoughts fly in...like the angry bats of my most recent journeys...thoughts of things i dont want to have working on me right now...but there they are...biting into me with their little poisons...coursing through my veins...weakening me...those little nasty words seeping into all the cells of my body...and yet...

i am blessed to reach back in my memory to when i was very young...i remember what it felt like to sit under a tree and for that tree to be the center of the universe...and know i was the god of that world...and nothing i didnt want around me could stay...i could banish anything or draw anything to me...i would lift my little hand and bring a butterfly to me...i could ask the tree for a story and hear it...i could race the clouds along and stop the rain from falling...i could conjure a song or dance without caring who saw me...i was fully in control of my world and it was a happy one...but then they came...the nasty bats...

those dark little thoughts that came flying in...they were from those who judge...they swooped down and flew into my mind...they would bite me and infect me...they weakened me...they trained me to respond to their commands...they fly into the cave of my mind and live...and when i am tired or feeling most vulnerable they fly out and reinfect me...but...

my paints are the cure...they remove the dark places where those bats live...if i keep painting they have no dark places to hide...they burn up in the light of my stronger thoughts...so i paint...i paint and kill off all those horrible bats sent my way...and someday soon...very soon i know...there will be no more bats to poison my happiness...there will be no more and i will be god of every room...i will be god of my world again...without bats to keep me weak...




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