lester and me...

every now and then i think of this movie...and relate...

there is a certain point in ones life when you just get so damn tired of the bullshit...you get tired of the vulgarity...the phony crap people try to feed you...the fakeness...the facades...the plasticness of it all...the thick oozing fear seeping out of so many people...

all those closed hearts and narrow little minds...all that new age maze of barriers others are building...all the religious dogma of hate...all the mind numbing ignorance...you look around you and you wonder why you are feeling crazy these days!!!?...then the light bulb flickers on...well of course you are depressed...you are in a world that is going super nova bonkers!...why wouldnt good people feel it more than the nut jobs...really...i am dead serious...why wouldnt you want to end it all or just pull the covers up and stay the F away from people...they are nuts!...and they are making others nuts...we are becoming infected...

of course i am feeling suicidal...i am feeling so ashamed of this world lately and sick of it...so ashamed of the whole silly mess...i am angry too...yep angry...angry that i was suppose to change to fit into this world...and punished because i couldnt...i even tried...but you know what?...i am going to give myself the best time of my life for whatever of it is left...and you know what else?...i love and desire and am passionate and so far outside that box of normal i dont see the box any more...and i am not afraid to love...or desire or need or want or seek out what pleasures me...so put that in your copy of the newest new age book, sit on it and chant away...you need to do all that prep work then great...do it..and let it work...me?...i need to get on with life...i need....oh i so dig that...two majickal words...I NEED...

i been praying and meditating and reading pema chodra, hanh, the bible, and on and on...tolle  today...all this be in the now stuff...ok i can dig it...compassion and being of service...yep i can do that...path of the bodhisattva...fine...mow that path and i will walk it...but you know what?...you dont need another book or chant or prayer or meditation...you dont need a pill or a bottle...you need revolution behind your eyes and a fire in your belly...you need to rip your heart open and go for it...and pardon my french...but...fuck the fear!!!...you need to get off your arse and live...yep i am taking my own advice...how much time are you wasting on all this self work?...how much have i wasted?...tons of hours....years...and what does it get you? you dont come unglued with your moron co-workers...you dont tell your neurotic tight arsed sister to go pogo stick herself...you stay at the same job you hate and live the same safe and boring life...no sex...no thrills...just year stacked on year of what others want and expect you to do...keeping them happy while you feel like a ghost of yourself...

what did it get me?...well i live a more conscious life...whoop dee do...i know i am an arsehole more consciously...i recognize anothers arseholeness...i know i am love...i know you are love and we and everything are one...i know god loves me...i know i create my reality...deep huh?...yeah ya know stuff and i know stuff...but how happy are we?...how free?...how untethered are you of your fears of intimacy?...how much do you trust yourself? others?...

i dont know about you but i am miserable...and it isnt because life is horrible...well i am broke and my classes are tanking but hey we all have something...i am miserable because i let it all get to me...i held myself back from being myself...afraid i would be a jerk like my dad was or a nut job like my mom...i didnt want to be the people who screwed me up in the first place...well i am not them...i am most certainly not and never will be them...i am fully me...

i mean come on...isnt it all so stupid...really...i mean you know what is stupid...you know the things you are doing are stupid...the stupid fears of loving someone...the stupid walls we build around ourselves...all the good stuff we deny ourselves...you know you are selfish...controlling?...a coward...you know what games you play and patterns you repeat...i know all my stuff...and ya know i am done...fried, died and laid to the side done! no more fakery...i am living a real life now....starting now...in that tolle now...p-p-p-pow...

we hide out too...in houses and jobs and under rocks...we mask ourselves...we narrow ourselves...we fear ourselves and the thirst we have to drink in our own happiness...well i got a big mug and i am drinking it in...

all those nut jobs...what can we do about them?...dont give them the power...and carry around some nut busting squirrels!...the world is full of stupid people...but then the cool sweet good people are stepping up...hang out with them...

for 49 years i was stupid...lol...just kidding...i was never stupid...just fearful...but now...!?!...when you have nothing to lose you have everything to gain...

thanks lester...you made more sense than a thousand books...