the last few days i have certainly let tears fall, given myself alot of hand holding and worked through alot of debri in my head...my PTSD got the best of me for a short time...the coping practices i have been using failed me and i understand why...
i had a very stress filled childhood...the PTSD came from it...and one of my few coping tools has been humor...i was laughing at the stove shock this weekend and making jokes about it at the same time knowing how close i came to being shocked to death...and yet i made fun of it...but it took me into that dark place when i was alone...that depressing place...of a childhood and teenage and then adult years of just joking myself away from the hurt and fears and upsets...i wouldnt let myself do that this week...
at one point i took the pot which had been on the stove and now has a hole in the bottom of it and i sat with it in front of me...i cried into it....i watched the tears drop in...one after another...each one polluted with fear and self doubt and self loathing...others crowded with loneliness and regrets...as the tears stopped the acceptance began to come...that i was alive...i am alive...and this is MY life...not anyone elses...i steer my life...i navigate it...i control it...i...
not as an ego "I" but an i of self worth...a SOUL I...and in knowing this there is acceptance...a self acceptance and then an outward acceptance...of how it all is...my life...mine...
so i took the pot and set it out on the landing...i am going to plant flowers in it...and i am stepping out the door today with a new room in my heart...full of flowers...and a large table and many tea cups...i invite any and all in who wish to sit and commune with me...i love so much...and i love so many...in different ways for different reasons...
today my heart is open...come inside...namaste...
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