i got a message from an old friend in the middle of the night last night...i went to bed forgetting i had left the window open...as i settled in for a journey a gust of wind lifted my sheer and a veil of curtain draped across my face...i didnt move...i decided this would be part of the journey experience...and in that instant i heard a whisper of music through the curtain...it was the elf king softly singing...i let go...cried...let go more...and started the journey...
in the journey i went to a nature walk area that my friend the elf king and i use to walk...it was a beautiful place...an amazing variety of land...there was a swamp, a pond full of life and prairie!...and an oak...a beautiful old oak she called her church...and there was a nature center with interesting displays and critters in habitats...
she and i would walk the long walk and talk about nature and trees and soil and swamps and tell stories of when we were young riding our bikes like speed demons and playing with matches...we talked about going hungry and parents who fought...we talked about how wild we could be at times as children and yet had to parent a parent too...we talked as if we lived that childhood together...and once she even forgot and said "remember the time we..." and then caught herself and laughed...and we both laughed so hard we tumbled over...rolling on prairie grass in fits of laughter and feeling like those kids again...sitting up and taking a bit of grass to chew on as we walked on...looking at each other with that bit of grass sticking out and laughing again...we were alike...it is hard to describe but the closest words are "soul brothers"...we just fit in that way...and i loved my dear friend so much...miss her incredibly...so this journey was such a gift...
in the journey i was in the lower world at the pond...sitting on a bench...waiting for a guide...ready to spot a deer or turtle or some animal to guide me...when i looked up she was there...the elf king...
and i had this experience after my friend had passed...i had felt her presence in a journey before and once when i was standing at the sink doing dishes...i felt her other times but that was an undeniable, no doubt about it presence...well last night was this as well...she was there...and she was smiling and ready for a walk..."well come on!...lets go" she always said this...she did last night too...
i was so happy to see her...i ran up to her and threw my arms around her...it was her!...sweaty and a little shaky like the first time i met her...smelling like cigarettes and her perfume...it was the elf king and i was taking a walk with her...and i held her hand!...i didnt let go...i just held her hand...it was rough from work and strong...and i had a million questions...but she didnt....she knew everything i had gone through and done...she had been there all along she said....worrying about me but not...watching over me...knowing my struggles...my fatigue...my heartache...enjoying the times i could laugh and let love in...
oh god it was so good to see her and yet so painful...she knows whats going on with me and she said she was there to help...anything...she said ask anything and she would try to do it...i simply said take me with you...and she laughed and smiled and patted my cheek...no...so i asked her to walk with me and tell me stories...so we walked...and i knew every step of the way...we walked to the right and started the path that took us through the swampy area first...the thick dark soil and walkways...the turtles popped into the water as we startled them from their logs...the peepers chanted...a heron in a dark pool hunted for a meal...
the trail opened up as we walked through a long arch of scrubby brush...and then the prairie...we told each other things..about our childhood and about love and the wounds of life...she talked about the surgery and the icu...the death...that i wasnt there that day but that i had been every day for months...and did countless things for her...humor helped...and the popsicle feasts and the movies and dancing to happy feet and so much more...i had forgotten some of it...this was nice to remember...and she thanked me...and yet i could still not forgive myself...for not being there at the end...for the wrong choices...
she put her hand on my forehead and showed me what it would have been like if i had been there...the shock of it...how i got up from her side and walked into another room and mechanically and without feeling slit my own throat...it was startling yet it was the truth...i had said i thought i would have walked out in traffic after if i had gone through it...she softly chucked and said "col, even when you are in pain you try to not hurt anyone...so nope you wouldnt have caused an accident...in the end you would have chosen a way that did less harm"....she took my hand again and walked...we came to the tall reeds i liked and some more water...the peepers were back at it...a hawk was riding the air currents above...red winged black birds all around...one landed on a reed and was bending it low to the ground...
the elf king put her arm around my shoulder...like my brother brian use to do when he had something important to say...she came close to my ear...she hugged me close with that powerful arm and held my hand tightly with hers...she spoke words which i carry with me through this first day of spring and by god almighty has lifted me up to a different place inside me and forever changed my life...i cant share them here...they are so personal and went right to the core of my being...she knew my struggles when she was alive...and loved me greatly...and now in this other life she has she felt my torment and has given me a gift of her insights and wisdom...she set me free...i am without any more words...but i am so deeply grateful...i walked a path in nature with her...i walked a path of cancer with her...i walked a path of spirit with her...and i will never in this life walk my path alone...i am loved and everything is ok...
we ended our walk at her "church"...hands on the great oak...looking up into the sky...she whispered i love you in my ear and was gone...
people if you only knew!...if you just knew what a gift this was for me!...i feel forgiven...you see i was with her for months...going to treatments and just all of it...the operation and the icu...the weeks in icu...every day....and then three days before she passed i left to go teach a class states away...it had been scheduled months before...i did it knowing i shouldnt...and then i got word that a last ditch surgery was happening...and then she was gone...and i have done huge guilt about all of it...all this self sabotage throughout this life of mine and pushing myself and just being lost most days...just feeling like i chose the wrong thing to do again in life like i so often do...not trusting myself and my decisions...feeling like i have to please others and yet it never works out right...oh i dont want to explain more here...i just feel forgiven and i know i can change how i do my life and do it without trying to please others to keep them in my life...they will either be there and care or not...and those who stay in my life and love me just as i am then they are my angels and i will be theirs as best as i know how...
in my heart today i am at the oak...the church...praying...sending love...letting love in...i am love...you are love...we are all one...blessings of peace and beauty on this first day of spring...namaste...
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