love is the endless seeds of kindness and compassion we spread...
love removes suffering...
love is the answer to everything...
if i can embrace one thing...one precious knowing...it is to embrace i am love...and everyone is love...we are all love...
i am love...to accept this simple but profound truth is to accept myself fully...as i am...this very moment...yet i fight it...why?
because i have to let go of who i thought i was for so long?...the me i never was...for more than 45 years believing i was unloveable...to stop seeing myself as the person i never was...i put myself through so much to reinforce a lie i was told by adults who themselves thought they were unloveable...all the self sabotage and self punishment...all the suffering because i didnt believe i deserved all the things i wanted...all the relationships with others who helped reinforce the lie i told myself...in fact i made sure i repelled the very things i did want and push away the very partners who would have created such beauty in my life...
i was building a false temple to myself...worshipping my false self as a broken hearted, abused, unloved, rejected failure...what a self absorbed, ego saturated creation i crafted and called my life...
what happens when i stop seeing myself as this false self?...who am i?....what am i left with if all that goes away?...i tear down walls and rebuild them...i heal a hurt and yet more hurt comes...i say i am done with ego but ego returns...i watch my actions and try to do right and yet without intending to i do wrong...
ok this is me putting off the root thought again...if i keep asking questions i will never have to embrace the answer...if i keep deflecting with more thoughts and more rational word plays i will not have to accept...and deeper yet into the root...if i accept i am loveable then the fear comes...if i stop thinking of myself as unloveable how will i handle being loved?...being loved feels abnormal to me...it feels painful...frightening...how crazy is that?....as long as i stay my false self i can stay safe...i can stay as broken as i want....always working on myself yet never risking at all...never opening up...always drawing to me those who will not fully love me or accept me because i can not fully love and accept myself...
wow...
to surrender and give up the false me is difficult...to accept truth and the unkown of what will come is the MOST difficult...i always know what happens when i live out this false belief...i get rejected and hurt by others...oh wow! that is it...i have control and i dont want to give it up...i know what happens when i live as this broken hearted self...i get to control my unhappy life...i get full control i think...even when things supposedly happen that are out of my control...i still get to feel safe in my false self i have created...i get to feel safe and in control!....this makes sense...this makes so much sense...no one will ever hurt me because i get to hurt myself with all these things i have brought into my life to hurt myself with...wow...
i didnt have choices or control as a child...i was abused and hurt and unloved...and so as a teenager and adult i could do "pain management"...i could inflict just enough pain in my life to keep me oddly safe and yet seperate from so much happiness...happiness i told myself i wasnt worthy of...happiness my parents told me i didnt deserve...i had friends and lovers who reinforced this falsehood...
what an important understanding...is it something i knew before and forgot or wouldnt face?...i face it now...to accept that i am loveable i need to let go of control over my false self...more to consider as i go through this day...no...to surrender control and accept...i thought yesterday was a tough day...lol...well today will be one i have not wanted to face but will...wo...how scared i am and yet rejoicing...it really is so humbling and so overwhelming...this day...this blessing of understanding...and this feeling of love wrapping around me and holding me...i do feel loved...i really do...and it is so scary...but so important...
namaste...
namaste...
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