a hard week ends with a coming day of silence...

tomorrow i am giving myself a day of silence...it was a hard week and a couple of disappointments...i had a great class to teach though and i am grateful for that...but much of the rest of it was tiring and tearful...i did my best to be peaceful and loving and kind yet faced rejections and coldness and the fatigue of moving into an apartment...at the end of this week i am still pushing myself and so after 4 pm today i am sitting down and letting it all go away from me...i am putting myself in another place and time...floating in a kayak like a waterbug...a lake of deep blue black...trees crowding in along the shore on all sides...and there will be silence...only broken by birdsong and the occasional fish leaping up to challenge and lose against gravity's powers...

silence...and slow thoughts...and to take this twisted bit of anger and hurt and let it forge for myself a stronger will and discpline...i want to be autonomous and do for myself in a different way...i want to take the examples around me and become like them...i want to change...i want to take all the advice everyone gives me and look at it with a hawk's eye...targeting in on what i must kill off inside myself to be that hawk...to come at things from an objective height and destroy the parts of me that are holding me back from a better way...

i have had enough of failure...enough truly is enough...nice girls do finish last..and vanila is a boring flavor...life is short...i am hungry like the wolf...eat drink and be merry  for tomorrow we die...nights are the little deaths...i resurrect with the light...be true to thy self...never look back...keep on keepin on...seize the carp...

~~~*~~~

i was rooting for you whitney...sorry you didnt make it...but i really do understand...this world ate you up alive...the bastards arent going to keep me down though...i have learned to love myself in a moment of revelation this morning...it was actually 9:11 when i looked at the clock the moment the light bulb blared over my head...i get it now...i wish you had...i wish everyone out there trying to please others and find love and acceptance would get it and stop harming themselves...you cant get blood from a turnip or love from a stone cold heart...so love yourself...take care of yourself and maybe just maybe some brave soul will come your way and love you big...but if they dont just know...you are worth the risk and you are worth the effort and you are so worth being loved and respected...i know i am...