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i was born with a plan...i think we all are...mine was drawn up when i was in spirit ...spirited/angelic beings assisted me in coming up with this plan...a grace-filled path for this lifetime...a journey worthy of my spirit...we all have done this...do you really think it is on a wing and a prayer after all?...
with a toothless grin and a stellar plan i entered this world...i came with noble intentions...i was here to follow my bliss...
but like many of us the plan got lost in the confusion around me...a fog was created by unhappy adults who themselves had forgotten their stellar plans...their covenants with creation...they had lost their way and became fogwalkers...
but i had fragments of the plan stored in places...my higher self dropped them like bread crumbs so i could come back to where i lost my way...we all do this...when we lose our way...some of us find the fragments and some of us never remember to look...
my fragments were kept safe and most near the surface...in the shimmering prism of color on a fish scale a sentence was written...many lines were found in the song of a tree i once heard singing in her last days...a bit was riding on the back of a squirrel this winter...a flower gave up some of my plan as she laughed wildly during a wind storm...a friend gifted me with a glowing ember of words in an email...a word was caught in the glimpse of my nieces smile...a slant of light across my arm illuminated an entire paragraph...i saw words in my tears held in the chalice of my eye...holding the bow of my deceased brother yesterday roared loudly the greatest and most powerful string of words...
now i have my plan...bits and pieces...like a crazy quilt all patched back together...i am stitching it tightly...i am holding on to it...no more fog from myself or others will ever keep me from my life again...and i am promising to never create fog for another as well...
how did i get to this place?...to this redemption?...i have come to the altar again and again...called by spirit to come and humble myself...but this time i came to the altar broken and suffering and lost...i was devoured by the mess of this world...suffering in the middle of a crowd of fogwalkers for a long time...myself a fogwalker...lost...yet i held on to the spark of knowing it could be different...my suffering could end...
i was at the last steps of a quest and ready to give up...that moment when the hero is face to face with the worst beastie of evil and is so disheartened and fatigued...the moment when everything falls away...the moment of sink or swim...leap off the cliff or be eaten by the lion...fight the devil or become one...climb higher up the erupting volcano or be swallowed by the molten lava spilling over on all sides...those last few moments when you dont even want to live on but you push on any way...the hero feels all hope is lost...and then...and then...
i was handed a bow and arrows by an unlikely character in this quest...and there was renewed strength...a miraculous rallying...a divine intervention transforms the seeker of her own plan into a warrior again...
a tall flower of knowing above the crown of my head opened up...where the weave of all knowing occurs...the light came streaming in as i held that bow...images and symbols poured into me...i was surrounded by green newness...i was bathed in peace..i heard the movement of wings above me...i saw my nephew smiling before me...i knew...this was so very important...this moment...
i was just standing there...after the long great battle to live...i set an arrow in its perch and pulled back the string of the bow i hadnt touched in twenty two years...but i didnt need to shoot a single arrow to end the war within me...i didnt have to die to myself...i didnt have to detach...i didnt have to pay a debt or any other thing i thought i had to do...
what i had to do was fully connect...not the new age chant of detach detach detach...i needed to do the opposite...for me...the healing was in feeling...and connecting to all my feelings...waking up to my own life...to the life i own...my birthright...my covenant with my creator...the plan...
healing was not in the big moment of holding the bow...healing has been in the quest...you choose your trusted companions/teachers or you go it alone...you have tasks to complete...you stay open to whatever comes...you face your battles...you improvise at times...you run towards your fears...you find your weapons on the fly...you dodge traps and trickery...you stay clear of trolls and when you have to you hide...but you keep on with the quest...and at each milestone and crossroad you pick up a bit of your own victory...until at the end you see the victory was a collection of moments...it is a simple thing when it all makes sense...when it all fits...like holding a bow and arrows and coming back to yourself...you remember the laughter of your youth...the adventures...the dreams when they were first born in your heart...and you remember how pure love was...how much you loved your brothers...how much you loved a tree...how much you loved yourself...and then you remember the plan and where you left off...and how to start back up where you left off...now that your covenant is recovered...patched together...read...
so here is what i started to know with my reawakening...what the plan was for me...very simple really...
to love...to be joyous...to touch the earth and teach others to touch it...to be kind and compassionate...to tell stories...to have land and share it...i was on the path...from the beginning...learning on my aunts land...hiking the woods and walking up the dirt roads of west virginia...but then the fog came...but now...i read on...
this plan is so well laid out...so full of laughter and joy...so generous...and filled with grace...gentle...soft in so many places...in others flowering fields full of songs sway to a slow dance of day and a sky of smiling stars come to me at night...my full moon lover dips her face into my ocean of happiness...
here is more...to write...to paint...to reach out and blast the fog away with my light...to pray...to build fires...to feast...to savor...to become a happy bee drunk on nectar...
i have my plan...i begin again...reborn...
~*~
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