intense journey this morning...went instantly into a cave...deep...and their was my shaman guide...she was covered in many layers of animal skin...i asked her what should i do to feel better...she started spraying me with mouthfuls of red clay water...coating me...it was in my eyes and i would wipe it away...i tripped and fell and she kept covering me...and then white...and then she started beating me...i didnt resist...in fact it felt comforting in a way...she slapped me over and over again...i took it...
then she walked away...i sat there alone...i heard talking...as if a group of women were eating a meal...i didnt approach them...i felt like i had to be invited...but i was hungry and so i got up and stood near the edge of the fire they were gathered around...they ignored me and kept eating...they through scraps over their shoulders for the dogs that were in the cave...i was eating scraps..they kept ignoring me...though i know they knew i was there because i would get these annoyed looks at times...so i stepped away from them and went back to the place i was beaten...i built a fire...i sat alone...i heard drumming but had no drum so i patted my legs softly...
a small dog came to me and leaned up against me...she comforted me...i cried and felt some of the tension in my body ease...what should i do kept looping in my head...and then i felt the presence of another...i didnt turn around...a hand resting against my back...a plate of food handed to me...a skin to keep warm...before i could turn around the person was gone...and i wondered why i wasnt invited near their fire...i wondered why i am once again too different...i ate and watched the fire...i fell asleep...
and in my dream i shapeshifted into an owl...a white owl...and i spread my wings and flew away...
what does it mean???...red and white...the two sides of me...the beating was to weaken me so i would seek out help...i asked for help and was rejected...i have been feeding on scraps to survive but want more than scraps...a stranger was kind to me and it gave me hope...but even that went away...alone...i let go...my spirit flew away...
what should i do to feel better...realize i am not going to belong and accept it...let go...in the letting go i will find peace and rest and relief...
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