light

i have been in a  battle for months...suicidal depression...walking the part of my path which is dark and painful and at times so frightening i barely move an inch...but i have stayed in the battle...

everything i could think to do to keep myself going i have done...used every arrow in my quiver...i have worked hard not to completely isolate myself...i have let people know and asked for help...i have reached out...i have used prayer and music and nature to find a victory or at least stay alive until the war has ended...when anyone has offered a drum healing or a book to read or a place that might offer insight i have pushed myself to accept this...i have been my own warrior and shaman...i have been my own parent and daughter...i have looked at my life with honesty and compassion...

i have struck down many thoughts that werent even my own...thoughts put in my mind by others..."i love you but i dont like you"..."i am ashamed of you"...."you are unlovable"...so many awful words coming from my parents growing up and from partners...and yet as i say these words in my mind i realize often they were directed at me but about the one who uttered them...they felt these words first about themselves...

they still hurt me....wounded me...so many of those moments i can be right in again so easily...yet they are not saying them to me now...i say them to myself...so each word is a thorn i pull out of my mind and huge vines are being hacked away...they serve no good purpose...are only there to trap me...stab at me...keep me hurting as i struggle to be free...

so in these days of greater understanding i still am using the spear of my own courage, arrows of truth and the battle ax of forcefulness to give the last strength to this good fight...warring against the words and deeds which tried to keep me from my own happiness...misery does love company and these unhappy people wanted mine...

lately i have struggled to follow instinct and intuition...making myself speak my truth, go out to places and be around others, step up to events and tasks i didnt want to do but knew it would help me...other times i stopped myself from doing things i somehow knew i shouldnt...being alone in prayer and meditation was good...other times i succumbed to wrong actions or behaviors and yet this too was important for me to experience...

this morning the sun reached through my window and into my eyes...i do not move away from its brilliance...instead i let it in...i am done with the darkness and i am ready to let my eyes taste the green more fully...i am ready to experience the soft velvet faces of flowers and press my heart against the life force of trees again...

i am also ready to heal from wounds others and myself have inflicted...for me i have steps to go through....i have a deep wisdom and a well of love...so it is within me to live on and not only survive but thrive...

i appreciate those who have reached out to me and who have allowed me to be around them as i have struggled...this year is turning out to be one i thought was a lost year but it is actually a year of re-discovery...one of uncovering who i started out to be in life and becoming this...

though a fully formed human i let my life become twisted and deformed...living in darkness..getting spindly and weak...now i move towards the light...i begin strengthening...letting go of so much wasteful clutter and simplifying...accepting people as they are and yet putting a stop to the BS they direct my way...embracing the good in them and letting my good meet up with theirs...turning away from others who are false prophets of wrong thinking or wish to shore up a world of wrongness...

i think those of us who walk a path of truth need to stay on it and not be pulled to the path of those who fake their way through things to be with us...integrity needs to be held up and yet not become an ego trip in these times of dysfunctional childish manifestations of ego-centeric people...they create fogs and we walk in to their fogs and become trapped...as soon as you see a fog person shine your light and they will not want to be around you...i find this to be of great value in recovering from this self-inflicted depression...

integrity...courage...wisdom from the higher self...humbling myself...letting others see me as i am in my suffering...compassion and kindness directed towards myself...gentleness...these are the words written on the ribbons of light i place across my heart this morning...

as sunlight streams through the suncatcher in my window rainbows dance across my room...i am called towards this better day...to do good and to feel goodness ripple out across the world i connect with...

namaste...