morning journey...

cricket in the sunroom with me was pulsing with a beat and took me into my journey...

i went down a rabbit hole...came up on my aunt's land in the woods...pony people were huddled under a large pine sleeping...i curled up with a young one...she opened her eyes and sighed and nudged me...she nuzzled my neck and whispered for me to come along...we went to a beautiful brook of sepia water and both got a cold drink...silence wrapped around us like a warm blanket...i stretched out on the moss and the young one stood over me looking out into the woods...she spoke:

"it is time"

she ran into the woods...i felt like i needed to run after her...deep into the woods it became dark...i lost sight of her...tried to track her but she left no broken branches or hoof prints...the woods didnt give up a sound...dead silence...not the comforting silence by the brook...i was afraid...a guide wouldnt come but i felt like it was as it should be...then i heard it...the breathing...the gutteral growl coming closer...closer...closer...but i saw nothing...until the last moment...the eyes...eyes in pain...yet ready to take on anything it saw...fear charged and ready to do harm...

and then it happened...i shapeshifted...i became a snarling dog too...i was feeling the fear...feeling it as a dog and not a human...we circled each other...this hulking dog i had become and a mirror image dog ready to have at it...and we attacked each other...i didnt know why...we grabbed and bit into one another...backed off...came at each other again...

i was dealt a fatal wound and released from my dog body...i stood over it...watching the other dog's reaction...it sat by the dead animal and licked its own wounds...it was more at peace now...calmer...not afraid...then it heard a noise in the woods and became fearful again...unsure of where to go...it left and went deeper into the woods...

i looked around and saw the young pony child...she came up to me and walked me back to the brook...i waded into the water and stood...pouring the cold water over me...feeling sad to the bone...remembering my childhood and all the pain in pockets of those years...

those dogs were part of my childhood...the dogs fighting...the violence...and from the lowest hurt and mourning part of me came a howl...standing in the cleansing waters i howled the songful prayer a dog howls when injured...a howl of soul wrenching sorrow...i let go and mourned for the little girl who witnessed such suffering...

>>>---------------->

later now and i have been sitting with my mother for an hour...she is nervous and has popped her painkiller she is addicted to...she has so little time left in her body...she has not taken care of it...she has let it break down while she has gone through much of her adult life off and on abusing prescription drugs...she has self injured or wanted operations to get drugs...she has paid with her remaining years and quality of life for her addictions...she has been addicted to nicotine all her life as well and it is part of pulling her body down...it is amazing she is still alive...she could have had a different one if she had worked on her issues much younger...she is self absorbed and lost inside herself...

i talk to her...she asks what she can do...but she doesnt have the willpower to make changes...she blames others and illnesses and doesnt look at her own responsibility in how her life has evolved...

i feel blessed to take radical responsibility for my life and how it turns out...i looked at my journey this morning and my childhood and know that i was exactly where i needed to be...going thru exactly what i needed to experience to be who i am on this day...i am able to sit with a woman who runs deeper into the woods fearful...i understand her...i could have given up and succumbed to an intense childhood myself...but i have been a seeker of my lessons and open to each one...embracing them and i am grateful for them...even the most painful ones...

who am i to not have experienced them along with everyone else...my mom has never understood this common human experience...we are faced with death, disease, poverty, violence...in our lives we have suffered in some way...perhaps over and over again...it isnt what we face in life that creates more suffering...it is how we navigate it...i choose...concsiously choose...to navigate my suffering with diginity and respect for my own humanity...to embrace the lesson and to learn and grow and expand my compassion and my ability to love better...to be a hero in my own story...and then to be a healer to others...

i will not fail myself even though i have met with failure in my life...as long as i seek and am open and am willing to make changes as i learn and grow then ignorance will not keep me enslaved...i will always be in the presence of my own compassion and accept the compassionate love given to me from others and from the great flow of love...

i hope this for my mother even at this time in her life...that she allows for her own spiritual healing and finds the beautiful peace which comes from opening to the flow of love...