i woke this morning around 5 am...my dreams were busy working on me last night...i woke with a great need to continue what i was dreaming and so i let myself journey into the landscape i had been dreaming of...the lake in maine...
in my dream i walked to the lake and was by the bonfire...the stars were thick and women seemed to wear them in their hair...as they spoke embers flew from their eyes and danced up to greet the stars...i dreamed they shapeshifted and flew as birds...some were swans...others loons...still others hawks and owls and eagles...i wanted to shapeshift too but i couldnt...i looked down at my feet and they were buried in the ground...held tightly...anchored...
so i journeyed to the lake and to the circle and to the women again....and in my journey i cried out...i need help...i cant do this alone...i tried to dig but couldnt...my hands became anchored in the earth as well...but noone came...i heard only the sounds of the birds in the distance and the crackling dance of the bonfire near me...i started feeling so much sorrow...i wanted to fly away too...i wanted to be a part of the mystery out over the lake and on the other side...i could hear them growing further away...i wanted to go with them...but i couldnt break free...i asked for a guide to come...i begged for it...
a fox face emerged from the fire...and then the body of the fox...it was made of twisting flames...it was my guide and it told me it would help me free myself...what must i do to free myself i pleaded...
the fox hissed through its firey mouth...i could barely hear the word....i asked to hear it again...leaning closer...she spoke it again in a roar of flames that came racing towards me...TRUST...
what do i need to trust i asked...
LOVE!....the fox shouted it as a fireball raced towards me....exploding at my hands and feet lodged in the ground...the sandy shore holding me in place became fused glass...i felt even more trapped...
then the fox came very near...it sat in front of me...it shifted into a real fox...it spoke to me...you never thought you were a bird so you never became one...you thought you werent good enough to fly off with them...now listen...they are out their pairing up...building nests...loving and laughing and becoming family...you stayed on shore because you were afraid of not being a good enough bird...you didnt trust yourself...you wanted to be with them but you ran inside yourself and lost the moment to shift and go...
i cried and yet felt the truth sink into me...the fox called out to the beavers in the water....they came ashore and began slapping their tails against the glass prison...i was freed...
the fox led me to the water...he told me to go in...to make my way across and join my family...i told him i couldnt swim...he said the word trust again...i waded in...and as i did i was surrounded by small turtles...they held me up as i struggled to move my arms and legs...slowly i made my way with their help...but in the middle of the lake i started thinking of the other side...would they invite a human in...would they accept me...as my thoughts darkened the turtles began to leave...i didnt realize this until i began sinking...i struggled suddenly...going under...i felt myself drowning...
i felt myself ending this life...a great longing overtook me...to leave my body...to go home to spirit...but i couldnt leave...i was anchored in my body...i sunk to the bottom...i looked around...it was dark and lonely here in this place where not even the light of the moon could reach...i cried out in my thoughts for the fox or the turtles...but none came...i was alone and it was entirely up to me...did i have the will to live on...did i believe i could go on...could i transform into a bird and rise from this watery grave of deafening solitude...
i stilled my thoughts...i focused on a single word...love...i held the word in my mind and let it fill me...i became love...i felt compassion for all i had gone through...i felt the longing in my heart...i felt the old scars and the broken promises like arrowheads in my body...still keeping me wounded...i needed to remove them...i filled my body with shafts of light and pushed the arrow heads out...i let go of the longing for what is not to be...i had to let the light remove the pain of a love which had become a twisted vine within me...i felt the gentleness of my own soul...and then i felt the shift...
my human body began to lift and i was floating face up in the water...hands outstretched...the stars shined down upon me...the full moon gave me more light and the water left my lungs...i breathed in moonlight...i breathed in life...i felt my body change...i felt wings forming...my body becoming a bird...i thanked my guide and the turtles and the moon and stars and the lake...i was praising spirit and feeling the love of the creator of all...i felt re-born...i felt at peace with myself...
my body was done shifting and i flapped my wings...i was a swan...i was so grateful to be a swan...i knew swans...they mate for life if they nest well together...they are strong...they live well on land and water...humans and gods alike have shapeshifted into swans...
i glided on the lake...heading towards the shore i had once struggled to reach...birds were calling to me...welcoming me...one swan came to greet me...her eyes silver from the moonlight...she reached out a wing and touched mine...she greeted me by name...etain...i knew this story...i knew of etain...but me?...
yes the swan said...i have been waiting for you...i have built a nest and now we will live here and love and dance in the moonlight...
and so we danced in the moonlight...a delicious and gentle dance...delighting in one another in this enchanted place only birds will know of...
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