at the heart of a sacred quest is the conviction to face some darkness within you...in a wounded healers sacred quest i faced a self imposed curse...everything i have done to harm others and what others have done to harm me...all the woundings...all i have done to wound others...this is what i had to re-experience and forgive...i humbled myself before the first step was taken...then into the darkness...with courage...conviction...but above all..love...
love...the unseen...god...whatever you believe is the great goodness...for me it is god...and god is love to me...in the darkest pain of my own ugliness god was ever present...even as i could feel nothing but the pain of my own cursed suffering...i had faith god/love was there...
and after a time of preparing myself...trusting the process....taking in signs and messages...receiving guidance...bringing in my higher self...praying...i was ready....
i sat in a small space i have in my apartment...with just the light of one candle...and even then i let go of this light...i had a drumbeat looping...i blocked even the faintest light coming in under the door by wearing a bandana...i let go and journeyed inward...open...
it has no consciousness to me...it is the thing in front of consciousness...the mechanism that keeps the body going and holds memories...it is reactionary and brutish...yet it simply is...the ego is in control...
if you are simply in your head so many wrong choices are made...i have made many...for as often as i would have liked to think i was a loving and kind person it was an ego controlled mind i was dealing with...for all those years ago...as a teenager...i turned my heart and soul away from my life and began to give my life over to ego...it was an act of survival i have often thought and blamed the woundings...but what is left after ego gained more and more power?...i was left with an ego in control...a reactionary life...a lost soul...a broken heart...a dysfunctional existence...yet why was ego not satisfied?...why more dramas and wrong choices...more and more pain and suffering...it had control...what was ego feeding?
and this led me to full understanding...
behind ego was the true master...my curse self...
my curse self was created before i was born...in that place where our life plan is designed...i made an agreement to walk the path of the wounded healer so i could become a sacred healer...i agreed and spent the first two thirds of my life as a wounded healer...and once you know this...once you truly recognize this there is complete forgiveness to those and to yourself for any wrong actions...for it was simply meant to be...each wounding was to bring greater understanding...that is all...
my soul reached out... the soul still said come back from the wilderness...come home......but ego told me i was not worthy...not worthy to have my own life...to have a family of my own...to have my body even...ah but...there was love...love was still there and was always there...ego knew this and worked even harder to pull me down...it didnt even care that it would push me too far away from my happiness i would take my own life...it simply wanted full control...it wanted to defeat love...to destroy happiness...ego is the ultimate control freak...it keeps you so enslaved yet gives you the illusion and the thrill of feeling in control of your own life...and ego was the arms and voice and eyes of this ghoulish curse me...i have never been afraid in a journey...but i was afraid of her...she was evil and strong and she wanted more power...she wanted to end me...
i could feel the pain rising in me...the pain was this curse clamping down on my being...i felt this pressure in my body...i felt the strong desire to leave my body...but i knew not to...i was thrown into many landscapes...many places and times...it was as if i was being kept away from my purpose by these movements...and then distractions...but i stayed with it...
it was this last ditch effort...this white knuckle experience...this walk into the wilderness of pain and suffering...to sit in the pain...in the pain of my own dark thoughts and re-experience them as the mind does so well...i had to be objective at the same time...to take on each hurtful memory...each time i have shamed and humiliated myself...each time i have hated others for not being my slave...each time i have cursed another for not loving me enough...each time i have taken a selfish action and did harm...and each time i drew out the horribleness in another...i had to look and see and feel and yet forgive...forgive and forgive and forgive...even if i didnt understand at times what was to be forgiven...
i knew my rooted sufferings...i knew the exact moment my curse was activated...i remembered and re-experienced it...my mind was now giving up memories to me...unblocked...full access...i realized light was with me...god was with me...i had those who love me with me...my many ages and times of self with me...i made myself take it in and feel it again...and i saw the curse weak in those early moments of its activation...
in the physical world i would have been seen as gravely depressed and suicidal...but in the spiritual world i was in the battle to take back my life not end it...and i walked to the curse with simple weapons...trust...compassion...humility...love...faith...
in spirit i walked into the wilderness of the curse...though my humanness was ever present as well...and for weeks i took on memories and mind games...ego manipulation tactics...and i stood firmly and with integrity...i was in this fight...but this moment...this moment of standing with my curse self was the most afraid i have ever been in my life...i feared failure most of all...
she hissed at me and lashed out with her horrible putrid body...yet in that moment she became simply an agreed upon self...she was powered by me...i was her master...and there it was...
i had done all these horrible things in life...i had done harm to myself and others...i had drawn suffering to me and created it in others...i was responsible...
each moment became clearer to me...each moment i felt more...each moment i saw into her...releasing all the hurt and pain of my life...seeing why things happened...and some i couldnt understand i still forgave...forgiving was killing the curse...forgiving myself...forgving others for their part in events of suffering...
ego throwing everything it could to stop me from destroying the master...but ego didnt know it was helping me out by doing this...it was in panic mode...and there the curse was...she was weak...in the moment as if it were her activation...her birth...and yet it was her death...her end...she begged me to stop...she was even trying to use my compassion to stop me...
but i sent love to her...i sent love and this growing fullness of my own lifeforce...tentacles of darkness came from me...and went into her...and light shot out from all around me...darkness went away...i was in pure light...and in that moment i saw the curse dissolve...
and then it got quiet...the light softened...i was held in this light...receiving love...feeling my own being...feeling inside of what i call gods prayer...gods prayer to me...and in my mind the words formed....god said simply...love...allow love in...love others...allow their love in...help others heal...continue to embrace full healing always...remove darkness...be now in happiness and light...
it was the most profound connection with god i have ever had...
and for days and days now i am noticing as things are coming up i am "fixing them" faster...old behaviors no longer serve me and are falling away...my heart is fully open...when i feel something not feel right i look at it...i am evolving into this sacred me...i am gving birth to myself...and what i thought would be such a horrible thing to let go of...all this that i thought made me who i am?...i have discovered i was never that person and simply wore a cloak and mask which was my curse self...i am a completely different being than i thought i was...
but you see a wounded healer has to walk blind of his or her own true self...we have to walk the path with our cursed self taking us into harms way and creating dramas, illness, suffering...we are blind to our own curse until...until that part of the agreement is coming to an end...and that is when we start feeling it...we start sensing something is gravely wrong...we start feeling the press of it...the urgency...the feeling that we are running out of time...we have to heal or we will be destroyed by this pain we feel...this spiritual pain...this psychic pain...
and once that cursed self of the wounded healer is gone?...what then?...happiness and a sense of belonging at last...to yourself and as a part of community and other the greater everything...what else?...you feel love flowing more and more...abundantly...and?...trust comes...great levels of trust...lastly you realize you have now crossed over into being a sacred healer...and there is a whole new level of being...it is exciting...and feels alittle weird at first...but then you catch the groove of it and become very very in the moment...and making the better choices and are fully accessing your life...
if you are entering the sacred quest to remove an agreed upon curse of a wounded healer do not take anyone if you can...unless it is one who you can sense is completely trust worthy...and take to heart these words...trust worthy...anything less could cause great harm...if someone is in circle with you they need to simply hold space and send in light...nothing more...unless your physical body is in danger...keep hydrated if it goes on for long...and have some kind of liquid nutritional supplement...it is very draining...eat well after...you will be hungry and want healthy food...clean food...rest and reflect after...and above all be grateful...praise this releasment...give thanks...and know even as you begin it you are loved and held...even if you cant feel it...god/love is there holding you up in prayer...
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