a journey into the pain of my gallbladder attack

my side is on fire...a snake of pain crashing thru me...reaching up my throat and down into my leg...it is dark crimson and angry...it bites hard and turns the venom loose in me...the bloodstream carrying it into every corner of my body...every cell...and yet i see the snake and walk to it...are you my guide?...and it hisses against my mind...yesssssss...what do you have to teach me? what do i need to know?...and it smiles and sinks its fangs in again...and i grow weaker...hands are cold...eyes roll back...breath comes in pants...i am fading...my body falls away...i am in blackness...and i hear voices laughing...i hear voices that begin to pull me to them...they are happy people but i am not a person...i cant laugh with them...they dont know i am there...they are sitting down to thanksgiving...i feel hungry but i have no form...i am starving as they feast...

i hear another group and it is a birthday party and i see the mother hugging her children...i see the children playing...i want to be there and i am not...i am nowhere...

i am in a room of people and they are singing and trading gifts and telling stories...i want to give a gift and be a part of them but i am formless and can only feel and see...

and then i am back to the snake of pain...the crowding pain of this guide who still is hurting me...i feel the burning venom jolting and pulsing thru me...i feel the loneliness and desperation of this pain...i need to vomit and cant...i need to release this and yet it stays...

it bites down again...i am dizzy...my ears buzz...i cant move...it hisses at me and grows more intense within me...it tells me i want this...the pain stabs at my side and then it says i am poisoning myself...i am holding in the poison and releasing it into me...that i hold back words and actions and am making myself sick...my fears are destroying me...and then the snake turns into rope and is choking me...i am clawing at it weakly...giving up...and it asks me "do you want to die?"....and i say no...it says "do you want more from this life than you ration for yourself?"...and i said with tears coming "yes"...

it releases me and turns into a swan...it takes me up and carries me over a lake...places me on a warm sandy shore...strokes my forehead with its soft feathers...i feel loved...i feel myself...i look up at the brown eyes of the swan....she is kind...how can this be the same snake? the swan reads my thoughts and answers...she told me she becomes what i allow her to become...and so i understand...

i held back how i thought and felt and it made me sick...i expressed to her what i thought when she asked me questions and i felt better...and so i will go thru this day saying how i feel and if something bothers me i will not hold it in but talk about it or at least look at it within myself instead of just shoving it down and turning it in to poison...

~~~*~~~

later...and so i said how i felt about a painful subject a few minutes after this journey...my side was hurting and it was building into a gallbladder attack but once i said it the pain started releasing...i cried and it let go more...it was not easy to keep at it...to not hide the hurt but to show it and to even allow my hurt to turn to anger for a brief time...but in the end i came up with a solution to how i deal with the hurt and am standing up for my feelings and my perception of things...i dont want to just settle for crumbs in my life or to be treated like i am this person i am not...i am a good and kind person and deserve to be recognized as one...i deserve respect and to be trusted...i will not take into me what i am not nor will i hold my head down and accept a wrong judgement...i have self respect now and am walking through my days with self love and dignity...