worked through the night...on an art project...me...a work in progress...the infinitely opening lotus...
at one point the discussion in my head (from all those opinions i have received from others lately) became deafening...then single voices came and it was easier...lots of advice..lots and lots of advice...taken in...appreciated yet difficult...like i dont know my stuff?...like i dont know there are wolves in sheep's clothing out there?...i am not a sheep led to slaughter...i am not a victim..far from it...i am a compassionate being who has reached her frustration point with the gleeful enjoyment of dysfunctional behavior around me...and who realized it began to get into me...i needed to take full and radical responsibility for who i let in...there are some i dont let fully in now...some not at all...
i am no longer putting myself into their dysfunction...i am no longer allowing myself to be polluted by it...it weakens me and gives them permission to keep this planet in its out of control teenager years...now it is getting time to decide on some things...for myself and for all of us...what world do you want?
i dont want one where people self medicate to be happy and enjoy life...and surface people are unsafe to be around...their energy so polished and beguiling yet they do harm...they may not intentionally but a closed heart is a dangerous thing...i should know...i had one...
i dont want to be in a world of gleeful unkind acts...i dont want to participate in gossip any more or be drawn into dramas...i dont want to be around people who are not good hearted or who have underlying intentions to curse or harm others...i dont want to be around people who choose darkness yet say they live in the light...i want to be around lovers...those who love openly and honestly...those with brave hearts...those who are tender...tender when it is not easy or convenient but when it makes them uncomfortable yet they do it anyway...
i went to a church once who's parish washed the feet of the homeless and gave them new socks and shoes that fit...i learned so much from this...i am grossed out by feet and yet i pushed myself to show this expression of loving kindness so i may always remember to do for others even when it is not easy...and now i have learned to ask of others as well...even when it is very hard for me...the creator is in those moments...so full of grace and gentle ways...i will be this person more fully from now on...
i am purging many things lately...people and behavior and thoughts which distract me...last night i worked hard on looking at each thing as if they were a stone to keep or discard...i have to bow to a very generous teacher here...litsong...she inspired me to do this...soon i will take these two piles of stones and divide them...keeping only three as a reminder and the other ones i have written on with pencil will be given to the ocean...water being the great healer...letting go of old useless patterns...embracing new practices i have vowed to myself to honor this season approaching...
i let myself get desperate again...for home and a sense of family and to please others and all those other wasteful things...i even tried to give up writing because a couple of people told me i reveal too much and turn people off...but i am a writer as much as an artist and writers write out their truth...would anyone tell joan didion to write lies? her greatest works are the ones where she splays herself open...i am a writer...i write close to the bone...and i have no need for approval at last...i write and put it on this little blog because it is the ember that reaches up into the night sky...it is my taste of freedom...
and then there is the opinion i have mental health issues...have you looked around lately?...i am crazy?...manic?...bipolar?...whatever?...yeah? really? you think so? because i am happy and sad and tired and cry and show my feelings and am passionate about my beliefs and sit silently in meditation and pray to something you cant see except in everything?...more nuts than a bag of almonds?
yet i dont self-medicate...i dont lie to myself...i dont go plastic and fake...i look at myself and ask forgiveness when i have wronged someone...i step forward and talk to the person...i also stand up for myself though more direct is better i am learning...i am a creative being and never hide out...even when i want to...even when i know it will make it easier on me or let others off the hook for their behavior...there is no time left to hand hold others as they wallow in their dysfunctions...there is no time for my own...we need to allow peace and happiness to lead our actions...from the heart...not from ego and the head...
i simply live in the moment of myself...and sometimes this moment (as an artist and writer) is raw and untamed...other times it is quiet and fully held....but i think i am fairly balanced...at least measured up against some folks i know...i think it is the pot calling the kettle crazy...ya know?...i just let my crazy out and some folks build facades and hide their crazy ways is all...they smile and hold themselves together...do drugs or drink in private...but for the most part they are a mess...and yet i see beauty and spirit and light in them...and love them...well except when i dont and then i work on it...but we are all here in this same place...this same configuration...and time is ticking away...there is no time to hold back love...i refuse to be a servant to darkness and ignorance...and i refuse to be around others who still serve such a cruel master as their untamed egos...
folks lately are teaching me one valuable lesson...to not listen to anyone but myself when it comes down to it...they have opinions but it is what resonates as truth for me which i will let in...the rest is just opinion...i have peace in my own inner strength...i have empowered myself with the great well of wisdom we all have access to if we have the courage to draw from it and take action...i am a warrior...i take action...
be a warrior...it is time to step into this role...fight for the good and true right for this planet to survive...nature is calling you...give into your nature...you are in the circle...not above the grizzly or below it...not grander than the trees or lesser...not superior to the ant...but its brother or sister...you are part of every inch of this earth and yet you are killing yourself...stop it...
soon i will do a lakota inipi (sweat lodge)...i know the tradition yet two times in my life i have stepped away from it...the lakota were a very aggressive tribe...they went to war often...they are the buffalo people to those of us who know their history...fearless, honorable yet they can roll over you...they paint their faces to disguise there looks before battles...warriors gain status by acts of war...they are a powerful medicine of a certain slant...their ways have survived because of it...i understand it...their environment shaped their ways...yet i came from a land of plant medicine and water...we had luxuries the land offered up the plains people have not...so the energies of the two ways are different...one a hunter/warrior way...another a hunting/agricultural way...yet both to be respected...still living rituals and living cultures navigating a world that should not die because of the ignorance of peoples ways in the bigger cultures...
i will take on the buffalo in shapeshifting soon...i will walk into the sacred place of the inipi and become buffalo and receive a teaching...i know this...i have dreamed of the white buffalo and it has come to me as a guide now...always present...i am made stronger and know it...i am so focused on my intent to be released from my old patterns of being and ready to reshape myself for new ways...nothing stops a warrior...not even death...and so it is...this crazy woman who runs towards her fears is now also running towards her happiness...and my happiness is in nature and in myself and in those who enjoy my true being...
i smile...knowingly...i am well and i am at peace...
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