a week ago today i had a very intense thing happen to me...i got carjacked...not physically hurt but it has been hard to shake some parts of the experience...
i came out of a store and a young man asked me if i could spare some cash...i pulled out what was in my pocket...a five dollar bill...and handed it to him...he thanked me and i started for my car...then it happened...he was right there with a knife to me...wanting me to drive him to boston...so that was that...no one around and i felt the adrenaline in my mouth as i just followed instructions and tried to let my past training kick in...
once in the car and starting out i calmed and centered myself and just assessed the situation...he was manic...upset about his family and the holidays...he was coming down off a binge of drugs and partying...he was exhausted but hyper...so i could use my training and keep myself safe i hoped...yet for a bit of time i had no idea if he would simply slit my throat and take the car...so i had to keep him focused on getting home and getting hold of his family...and my instincts would serve me well...
as we were nearing the highway split to go to boston i convinced him he should call his mom...long story short we ended up meeting her and his brother at an exit on the way to boston and it was a peaceful ending to some very intense hours...
my body and my mind were worn out beyond words...i made it back to the friend's house i have been staying at and i just collapsed in the shower...my hands had been gripped tightly around the steering wheel for hours and now my upper body felt like one big bruise...my mind was fried...i felt myself numb out to alot of it...i was on overload...
and for days i just worked at feeling me again...i felt like i was not fully recovered til yesterday really...like alot of what i had done for days was just pushing myself thru things...packing and moving my things out of my old place to put them in storage til my apartment is ready...doing things with others, making meals, the nuts and bolts of my day were just there...
then i meditated yesterday and found my focus...on being peaceful...i also began restoring my self esteem and self worth more fully yesterday...i still struggle with parts of this but today more is making sense to me about how i am with others and how others treat me...
i get alot of it now...why people want me a certain way and yet hold me at arms length...that with others i am only allowed so close and then used for only certain parts of myself...not seen as a person with feelings too...why i have been used as a playmate or pet and not seen as an equal...i get put into this role of being a pseudo man because i am a lesbian...straight women especially treat me as if i am simply there to be used as men are used...i have had to remind women at times i am not a man and they ignore it...they dont want to hear this...their homophobia is entrenched and they dont want to be challenged...
lesbians are different than straight women for sure...we are a little flirty...we do our best because we are judged differently...we are expected to not talk about our private lives yet i hear the details and references to straight women's lives when it comes to their partners...we are suppose to be strong and often are the ones who step up when other women dont...we are approached with the same level of passive aggressive behavior men receive...women are passive aggressive with other women but how they are with men is much more unkind and selfish...i am not saying lesbians are above or better than...they certainly have their immature behavior at times...and i am not saying all straight women are tough on lesbians...i am just saying to folks lighten up on this lesbian...i am doing the best i can in a world that sometimes is wicked unkind to me...dont be so hard on me...see me as a woman and that is all...
and this past week has made me examine love...how i express it and how much others mean to me...how i want there to be peace and harmony and caring and for myself to show it in much fuller and profoundly loving ways...i have made a special effort around this for the past few days...i have picked things apart that were knotting around my heart...i have tried to express my love to others...i have tried to reach out and be open...
and then i had to realize i had to be more loving towards myself as well...i went to that edge again where i dont like to be and wanted to give up...it had all become to hard and i was drowning in it all...i was very hard on myself yesterday especially...feeling as if i failed again...not knowing how to navigate around my own rising self esteem and self worth...not knowing how to express myself well enough in words or actions...but committed to doing better...
so today i woke up at 3 a.m. and absolutely couldnt shut down or run away from others...i can simply be me and there will be folks who appreciate it and enjoy my odd little humor and my passion for knowing and my love of love...i am alittle different but still worth having in others lives...i am worthy is the part i need to know more than any...i am worthy...
a new day...the sun is shining...my body is sore and tired but i have love in my heart for everyone and a hope that love rules everyone's actions today...
No comments:
Post a Comment