rainbow serpent

so much working through me...good, steady healing...the last few days the exact things came into my life i needed to help set a sacred stage for my healing...i cant say i am 100% yet...my body is literally vibrating with healing energy and peace...i cant really describe much of this right now..i just know it is part of a healing unfolding...

a friend gave me a drum healing...i went into a journey...


inside of me a good part was white flowers...around my heart and above...below was a wet sludge of grey cement...the cement was my sorrow...it was growing and hardening...i went away from my body...i was back in my childhood experiencing sorrow...and then i was at the base of a waterfall...


there was a cluster of white flowers and a waterfall...they were my guides...i was in a pool of water...drowning...the waterfall rushed down and pushed all the water out...i became this mud woman...as i stood all of these small white flowers began to grow on me...


i struggled to climb to the shore...in each of the four directions a woman stood on different rocks...a gentle asian woman dressed in dancing ribbons, an african woman, a hippie type woman and a woman with a tough new york accent...i feel like i should know her but i dont...i feel like the other women at the shore i will meet soon...new york woman spoke to me firmly but with kindness...leading me up on the shore to a friend i know who does reiki...she was to act as the fire keeper...she took me to a gathering of other women...


one drumming and holding space...others standing around me as i stretched out in the grass near the fire...i was mud and white flowers...an owl guide was perched overhead watching over us...she was the sky direction...many women were there...women i knew or have known...some i have yet to know...and there was a woman bringing water from a spring in a beautiful urn...she poured water into others cups and bowls and gourds...and then they poured water over me...bathing me...the flowers departed and took root around me...they tenderly washed me...some humming and others saying kind words...then they
stood back...


my chest opened up and out came black snakes...many...dissolving as they touched the white flowers...the women chanted and sang....the drum grew louder...and then something else came from my chest...a beautiful snake like creature with a small dragon head and small dragon like wings...it moved quickly and it made a very interesting sound...very steady sound...and it vibrated ....my body is still vibrating from it...this creature was a rainbow of colors...shimmering and smooth...


and then a symbol reappeared as the rainbow serpent kept coiling and racing in and around me...this symbol hovered over the fire...this symbol that has been with me for weeks now...since i was shocked from the stove explosion...a friend told me this morning it is the tibetan fire serpent symbol...makes sense too...alot does all of a sudden...



even coming out of the session and financially broke i get online and see i sold two paintings...the exact amount i needed for bills...the timing and verything happening lately brought me to this wailing tears of relief moment...i havent cried like that in a long time...a profound grace came over me...i cant call it anything else...like i felt loved and taken care of in a way that was full of loving kindness...it was like this voice that was unspoken but felt...saying i was loved and i felt it...and it hasnt left...i feel like i am inside a prayer today...as if god is praying love into me...does this make sense?...it is a very tender feeling of grace i am in today...very simply relaxed and calm...steady...this is what surrender feels like...and i realize it doesnt happen all at once or one time...but is continuous...i cant even explain it any further...

i sense i have been sent reiki and good thoughts and love and prayers from many of you...and i am grateful...i leave tomorrow for maryland for a couple of weeks...i know i will still be letting this new shift unfold more...i feel as if i am being changed in a way...on a deeper level...i am simply being while this happens...i feel...well like the cells in my body are being rebooted...changed...cleansed...i feel...different..still going through it...parts unexpressed here...thoughts evolving as i accept love in...

allowing love in...

my life is a ritual...my heart is the drum...before i was born i agreed to be a warrior of love...as life added years i forgot who i was...i remember now...i blew up my old world of facades...letting love in is my liberation...my pride is falling...my heart is green...st. teresa waters my garden with her prayers...i am in the monostary of my mind...silent in this place...in this temple room...praying stillness...finding grace..allowing love in...i am climbing to my higher self...i am seeing the view...allowing love in...soul is the leader...fear takes flight...i am dancing in the cirlce...seeking the light...allowing love in...allowing love in...allowing love in...

in the name of the Spirit

there is the fog hovering along smooth edges

there is the water held in the belly bowl of earth

there is the silent glide of a seagull out in the distance

 i am profoundly humbled by what i behold

in this grey grip of morning i stand on the shore

in this moment before i step fully into battle

in a place of sacred rebirth called Soul

i hold tight to the hope of redemption

surrendering i wade into the ocean

my hands cup and pour water over my head

i baptize myself in the name of Spirit

and walk back to the shore for the challenges ahead 

~★~

my eyes are stars

did you ever fall into them

your eyes are stars

i fell all the way

~★~

writing poetry this morning...words flowing...it is saving my life...no paints on canvas but i will paint with words...and find relief in the images lifting themselves up in my head...hummingbirds romancing spring flowers...trees coming back into the green...a slow cat crosses the road to visit a neighbor's trash can...a parade of grey clouds march across the sky...images from inside and outside my head rise up to inspire me...

and here i am in this fight to kick my addiction to fear (i fear receiving love)...withdrawal symptoms are intense this morning...but i decided to battle the BS in my head and all around me...i decided to be blunt with my words...fuck the fear...i decided to stop myself and recover from my addiction...i am in this battle to win...

let this day be your day to stand up and go into battle with what is holding you back from love...namaste...

 

lester and me...

every now and then i think of this movie...and relate...

there is a certain point in ones life when you just get so damn tired of the bullshit...you get tired of the vulgarity...the phony crap people try to feed you...the fakeness...the facades...the plasticness of it all...the thick oozing fear seeping out of so many people...

all those closed hearts and narrow little minds...all that new age maze of barriers others are building...all the religious dogma of hate...all the mind numbing ignorance...you look around you and you wonder why you are feeling crazy these days!!!?...then the light bulb flickers on...well of course you are depressed...you are in a world that is going super nova bonkers!...why wouldnt good people feel it more than the nut jobs...really...i am dead serious...why wouldnt you want to end it all or just pull the covers up and stay the F away from people...they are nuts!...and they are making others nuts...we are becoming infected...

of course i am feeling suicidal...i am feeling so ashamed of this world lately and sick of it...so ashamed of the whole silly mess...i am angry too...yep angry...angry that i was suppose to change to fit into this world...and punished because i couldnt...i even tried...but you know what?...i am going to give myself the best time of my life for whatever of it is left...and you know what else?...i love and desire and am passionate and so far outside that box of normal i dont see the box any more...and i am not afraid to love...or desire or need or want or seek out what pleasures me...so put that in your copy of the newest new age book, sit on it and chant away...you need to do all that prep work then great...do it..and let it work...me?...i need to get on with life...i need....oh i so dig that...two majickal words...I NEED...

i been praying and meditating and reading pema chodra, hanh, the bible, and on and on...tolle  today...all this be in the now stuff...ok i can dig it...compassion and being of service...yep i can do that...path of the bodhisattva...fine...mow that path and i will walk it...but you know what?...you dont need another book or chant or prayer or meditation...you dont need a pill or a bottle...you need revolution behind your eyes and a fire in your belly...you need to rip your heart open and go for it...and pardon my french...but...fuck the fear!!!...you need to get off your arse and live...yep i am taking my own advice...how much time are you wasting on all this self work?...how much have i wasted?...tons of hours....years...and what does it get you? you dont come unglued with your moron co-workers...you dont tell your neurotic tight arsed sister to go pogo stick herself...you stay at the same job you hate and live the same safe and boring life...no sex...no thrills...just year stacked on year of what others want and expect you to do...keeping them happy while you feel like a ghost of yourself...

what did it get me?...well i live a more conscious life...whoop dee do...i know i am an arsehole more consciously...i recognize anothers arseholeness...i know i am love...i know you are love and we and everything are one...i know god loves me...i know i create my reality...deep huh?...yeah ya know stuff and i know stuff...but how happy are we?...how free?...how untethered are you of your fears of intimacy?...how much do you trust yourself? others?...

i dont know about you but i am miserable...and it isnt because life is horrible...well i am broke and my classes are tanking but hey we all have something...i am miserable because i let it all get to me...i held myself back from being myself...afraid i would be a jerk like my dad was or a nut job like my mom...i didnt want to be the people who screwed me up in the first place...well i am not them...i am most certainly not and never will be them...i am fully me...

i mean come on...isnt it all so stupid...really...i mean you know what is stupid...you know the things you are doing are stupid...the stupid fears of loving someone...the stupid walls we build around ourselves...all the good stuff we deny ourselves...you know you are selfish...controlling?...a coward...you know what games you play and patterns you repeat...i know all my stuff...and ya know i am done...fried, died and laid to the side done! no more fakery...i am living a real life now....starting now...in that tolle now...p-p-p-pow...

we hide out too...in houses and jobs and under rocks...we mask ourselves...we narrow ourselves...we fear ourselves and the thirst we have to drink in our own happiness...well i got a big mug and i am drinking it in...

all those nut jobs...what can we do about them?...dont give them the power...and carry around some nut busting squirrels!...the world is full of stupid people...but then the cool sweet good people are stepping up...hang out with them...

for 49 years i was stupid...lol...just kidding...i was never stupid...just fearful...but now...!?!...when you have nothing to lose you have everything to gain...

thanks lester...you made more sense than a thousand books...

another day

sunday....no sun today...no birdsong...where are the church bells?...grey veil of the apocalypse hangs silently...flowers are held in cold cupped fingers of air...do they wonder if they are blooming in heaven or hell...are they the angelic messengers sent to tell us there is hope built in to the design of our lives?...so we dont see the ugliness of man's world as long as they are around?...

my eyes are sore from crying...i lost my prayers last night...they fell away like those last bits of hope one has when you watch the end of a losing game...i let go...palms up and they fell away and hit the floor with heavy thuds...too weighed down with sorrow to rise up and reach the ears of god...

last night in a circle of women drumming and chanting and singing i was as silent as a cave...and in my silence i walked away into that cave...bear skulls and bones all around...light leaving...only the sounds of those women and those sounds were growing fainter...i walked deeper into that empty place...into silence...the last rattle of sound and the lone heartbeat of drumming there...

i am your darkness it said...i am the darkness and the womb of death...i am the hopeless place and yet where beginnings begin...sit here and let go of your body and you will find yourself...i am the last place you have...i am your destination...

and in the silence that crushed me i claimed my seat...i sat and waited for death to touch me...but the women drummed and the women sang and the rattles shook and reached into this place...there was no staying there...no release...i returned and sat in the circle with my sisters as they shared their stories...

i kept mine hidden in the broken place of my chest...the words in my throat nesting in thorns...i would not speak these words of pain...there were others suffering in this room and i could not add mine to the pile...they needed the light of the circle more...mine was too big...i couldnt show them what i had seen...what i knew was coming for me...i couldnt say goodbye...

when circle ended i stepped outside...went around a corner...put my hand on a tree and whispered to it...i let it know...i confessed...i returned to these beautiful sisters gathered together last evening...i looked at each one of them and have their smiling faces in my mind...i have gentle pairs of eyes gazing at me...beaming smiles...graceful swan dancing hands lifting glasses to lips...the cascade of grey hair down a back...the curve of a thigh...the dangle of a bit of jewelry...the grace of a woman in a flowered dress...bare feet and socked feet padding across the floor...the relaxed posture of a woman all in black...the scent of sage on all of them...they were breathtakingly beautiful creatures...each one a gift...and they all come with wounds and scars and yet fill a room with laughter...and love...even in my dark place i could see their light...and for a moment the pain in me eased away and i took a breath of them with me to breath...

i dont know what this day brings me...i hope for peace...i hope for a way out of my dark cave of thoughts and feelings...i have never felt like i belonged anywhere...i never felt at home any place...i want to feel like i have something to look forward to...a piece of land and a place to call home...but i am so weary from this long walk through life...i am so very tired...no amount of sleep can rest me...and i am trying to find my way to the land...i am trying to find my way home....to fit someplace other than a dark cave....i need a fire and a song and arms around me...but i am lost in the cave...and i miss the trees...and i miss the feeling of being close to others...and i put myself here!...i know that...but i know i am wounded and need to not be so brutal to myself...i need to tend to my self inflicted wounds and heal if i can...

the greyness is not shedding...the sun doesnt come through my window this morning...but i remember the sun and know it will return...perhaps this is how to treat what i am experiencing...i am sorrow-filled but have the memory of happiness and know it can return...

namaste...

self work

work work and rework...til i am all worked out...every kink and wrinkle...every twist in the knotted tangled mangled mess of my brain...needs to be patched up with more than just a hope and a prayer ...tangents of escape from all the heavy thoughts ...tired of hanging out with all those tortured saints and maniac martyrs in my head...no hiding out from myself but sometimes i would like to...these arent the days to hide down the rabbit hole...but the same tune in my head keeps looping...gotta change my tune?...i would rather turn my brain off to tell you the truth...not think at all...not avalanche myself down the mountain again...work in progress needs to be done...time on the run...sick of the tedious work work work...no paintings flowing...no money coming...work work work...no one to hold at night...work work work...just hanging on tight...rope walker...dream talker...sick of the work...just wanna play...walk walk walk away...find a beach and sit and write a new song for my head...play and find a new way...a new day...but no rest for the wicked...work work work...til i am good enough?...for what?...how would it feel to be done with it all...be myself?...as i am...what would it feel like to transcend these BS days...just love and walk away...be free...live up in the trees...