silly saturday song

this song takes me back and makes me smile...lunch with my brother brian on a saturday in our hometown...fish sandwiches greasy fries and custard pies...he had a tab and i had coke...both in glass bottles with paper straws...and this was the first song he would play from the jukebox...we would sing along...funny what makes you feel good on a mellow march day...but this song and the memory both make me smile because of how innocent and sweet we both were...

hangin out in my buddha nature...8 fold path check list...nose is cold but my heart is warm...no worries...none at all...

HOLY CRAP!

(and i rarely use that language so you know i am excited)

THE PAST IS THE PAST! i just understood this...well grasped the concept...wow my brain has never felt better...i dont have to keep looping and looping and looping over events in the past...or try to understand them or make peace with them or relive them in 3D technicolor...the past...wow...see what happens when you let your Soul lead the dance...i just had to share...it may be a no brainer to some but my brain is undergoing rewiring and so what hasnt made sense before is becoming clearer...i keep using a visual healing symbol i was given recently and it seems to be the tool i needed to rewire my brain...all just too exciting...it is all making sense now...NOW...what a thing to know...even if everything does happen all at once as quantum physics leads me to believe i can still be a linear being...i deserve a cookie!...actually one for each hand!!!

happy day

DAY 5~*~

Our sorrows and wounds are healed only when we touch them with compassion.  ~Siddhārtha Gautama

today i focus all my attention to the eight fold path to end suffering in my life and the world...to be conscious of all my actions as i go through my day and concentrate on right actions...being compassionate is the key to this...

from compassion all good comes...and from a great compassion my mind and heart calmed last night...i rested with a deep healing energy i had not experienced before...i felt the presence of the place of Soul...i felt the hurts and wounds bathed by Light...i was held in the most loving energy i have ever known...i was at peace...

yesterday evening i participated in a drum healing...i took a turn myself...i felt the vibration of the drums in my throat...the throat chakra...where my anger dwells...where my cries stay...where my creativity gets blocked...where fear and shame resides...it makes sense that this chakra point should be so blown out lately....with the moving and all the other things piled on i was repressing fear and anger...letting it burrow in...

for a few days now i have done so much self work around hurt, fear and anger...but last night in the drumming it all came to me...in one moment...the harm of my fears...the hiding out i do...the brave face and yet beneath it the coward...

and in that moment of drumming i had the appearance of an amazing shaman cloaked in wolf...the fur soft as i felt it close...the shaman held a white buffalo skull over me and in front of her...she blew into it and her/its breath came into me...it gave me strength to endure and hunt for what i need to provide for myself...deer coyote bear snake and bird were all there...i felt each one giving me strength and healing...then the drumming shifted to singing bowls and chiming vibrations...

with this shift a tibetan oracle came...all in white...a powder white face...a bit of red here and there...there was a wild movement to the oracle...trancing i suppose...and then the message "a greatness will fall...but from the fall many seeds of greatness will grow"...i didnt know if it was meant for me to apply or out in the world or both...

as i went to bed i said my prayers and centered myself to do a journey...i was taken into a cave which felt as if it symbolized my throat...i was trapped...i was pulling things off the wall of the cave to get out...tearing down old beliefs i thought...tearing down old ways...tearing down how i have done my life...tearing away fear....tearing away mistakes...pulling down self loathing...destroying self sabotage...lastly pride...the thick ugly sludge of pride holding back the light...and as i did this light came in from holes i created...bright light...and from the ground of the cave plants grew into vines and huge blossoms emerged...

i realized this was the oracle's meaning...the greatness of a structure of ways...i ripped them down...they fell...i dismantled an old way of being...of hiding out in the cave...

from this light new growth was created...happier...more giving...beautiful and yet easily brought into being...

i followed the vines into a sunny place...water from a spring came up and i drank from it...tasting its cool sweetness...it nourished me and helped release my tiredness...it relaxed me...i stretched out in the grass and fell asleep...both in the journey and in my body...i dreamed of love...of being surrounded by it and comforted by it...i was held in it...

i woke this morning feeling the most rested and relaxed i have felt in years...i feel in no hurry to do anything...i feel my mind clear and my throat not tight...i feel at peace...and i know the tiredness and anxiety will not come today...

i sip from my big peace mug i love to drink from...the rain falls on a grey morning...jasmine blooms in the window and fills the air...silence is peaceful and not crowded with loneliness...i am grateful...

...later

why do i blog?...why do i share?...to feel less alone...to connect somehow...to maybe let others in...to work on my writing...i put words out there like messages in bottles i suppose...read this and come...read this and understand...read this and know you are not alone...read this and send me light so i dont feel so in the dark...i write for these reasons...

this hour i fell into some dark corners...but i need to be there...to get closer to my own enlightenment...i am a selfish child this hour...wanting love...wanting a hand to reach out for me...but i have to be loving...i have to reach out my own hand...and i have to accept the darkness as well as the light...we all do...i am no different...we all have our dark parts and our light parts...we all have those things we work on and remove from our hearts...making room for more loving kindness...

i am loving myself big this hour...just keep the love filling me up from the flow of it...not letting myself feel the other until the other goes away...all the selfishness and mistakes and short comings...they really dont mean much...they are small compared to the good parts...

and i am accepting the love...

DAY 4~♥~

Day 4 is about stepping back out into the world and about acceptance...going to take my drum to a healing clinic tonight and do drum healing with others...and then invited everyone over for nibbles after.

the last few days i have certainly let tears fall, given myself alot of hand holding and worked through alot of debri in my head...my PTSD got the best of me for a short time...the coping practices i have been using failed me and i understand why...

i had a very stress filled childhood...the PTSD came from it...and one of my few coping tools has been humor...i was laughing at the stove shock this weekend and making jokes about it at the same time knowing how close i came to being shocked to death...and yet i made fun of it...but it took me into that dark place when i was alone...that depressing place...of a childhood and teenage and then adult years of just joking myself away from the hurt and fears and upsets...i wouldnt let myself do that this week...

at one point i took the pot which had been on the stove and now has a hole in the bottom of it and i sat with it in front of me...i cried into it....i watched the tears drop in...one after another...each one polluted with fear and self doubt and self loathing...others crowded with loneliness and regrets...as the tears stopped the acceptance began to come...that i was alive...i am alive...and this is MY life...not anyone elses...i steer my life...i navigate it...i control it...i...

not as an ego "I" but an i of self worth...a SOUL I...and in knowing this there is acceptance...a self acceptance and then an outward acceptance...of how it all is...my life...mine...

so i took the pot and set it out on the landing...i am going to plant flowers in it...and i am stepping out the door today with a new room in my heart...full of flowers...and a large table and many tea cups...i invite any and all in who wish to sit and commune with me...i love so much...and i love so many...in different ways for different reasons...

today my heart is open...come inside...namaste...

evening in the treehouse

quiet and thought-filled here in the tree house...no words spoken aloud in hours...i am learning to embrace silence...the depth and width of silence...i took myself away from everyone and everything for a few days...letting sickness snake through me...letting tears stream out...letting the river of love rise and spill over the banks of my heart...letting compassion and forgiveness wrap me up in their kind wings...i have stayed to myself and rested...my mind awakening...it is not fully awakened because i still have a small corner hinged to a reluctance...i am working through this...dissolving it...soon i will split my skin and become more...for now i prepare...make myself as i wish to be...create the world i wish to inhabit...let go of the one that was too cruel to be in for one more day...then i will step out the door and see what Soul presents to me...it has been a good day...

DAY 3

doing DAY 3 is about happiness...doing happiness...be happiness...full throttle getting my studio super organized and cozy...playing my tunes...tea flowing from my lovely earthy tea pot...flowers cheering me on...creating a studio that is empowered with creativity, peaceful intent and happy vibes...feels like the day i step back into being a truthful artist..not hiding out behind functional pieces or what i think others want to see and buy...this is about creating from the source of everything...right there in the beautiful endless field of loving possibilities...and here is the most beloved singer i have in my heart...a big spirited woman...miss nina simone...to start this very passionate and important day off for me...big love everyone...

i am so full of peace and happiness...you have no idea what a journey it has been or what demons i have entertained but now i am ready to let go of the past...even the most recent past that made me go OUCH and simply enjoy this process of healing...the last 3 days have meant so much to me...Soul amazed me with assistance to see my path...i objectively looked at my life...with honesty, clarity and forgiveness extended to myself and others...i am my best self and this is remarkable...no attachments...no angst...no desire...no fear...no ego...and to apply it is so beautiful and grace filled...i am there...completely in it...and its feelin' good..

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