heart to heart....

last night i was so very ill i felt as if the pain was exploding like fireworks inside my body...as if i were a dark place of pain illuminated by shooting streaks of light...i let myself see the light of this pain...let myself travel to the origins of the pain...what was setting those explosions off...i journeyed deep...

and in this place a stranger stood...cloaked and unknown to me...i stood there and asked "are you my guide?"...but i knew the answer before it spoke...no...

i cant say this was even a person or entity or being...it seemed formless and yet fully itself...it was not an enemy or a friend...it was not me and yet it was...i believe it is the part of me which meets up with my own sorrow...and creates the actions i dictate...this creature in my journey...a witless servant of me...is simply the form of my suffering...

so my suffering took a form so i could dialogue with it...

the pain in my body is now manifested from years of self punishment and denial of my own worth...i pay the price for it now...it is here and may need medical attention...though i hope i can calm it and bring it back from that outcome...but i have to heal the last difficult parts...