inside joke

particles colliding...thats all that matters...

(inside jokes always make me laugh...on the inside...which i am...laughing...on the inside...i have to laugh alot these days...on the inside...held together by endless collisions...smashing bumper cars of frantic cells)

a bird hit the window this morning...particles colliding...and i wondered if cartoon birdies flew around its head

(laughing...on the inside...inside my apartment)

i use to know so much more than i do now...but ignorance is bliss...i am growing more blissful each day as my brain is eaten away by the last of my evolutionary path...pathways narrowing...on the inside...white light vibrating...a harmony of humming energy...

(laughing on the inside at the grey matter turning to dark matter...its a cosmic thing...and i am laughing on the inside at another joke god and i have been running back and forth to each other)

my soul sees me as a carbon copy...this imprint is much lighter...lines blurred...the carbon specks more fuzzy after each run through...from dark to light...more copies to come...but not many more...

and here i am...the pop science junkie...from omni magazine and nova fed youth...smiling at the buzzing flies in my memories...i named each one einstein because they all looked the same and flew with the wild wonder of atoms circling the carcass diner...

the einsteins who kneeled at the altar of decay worshipping science in their own way...a chorus of buzzing...a holy feast...sin eaters...transforming death...

i feel the place in my brain that sizzles sometimes...an itch i cant scratch...fingernails-on-chalkboard annoying...i have to say my abc's so it goes away...or flex my hands...or tilt my head and think about the ocean...tricks...to distract my brain who hates numbers but gets stuck counting them...

my funny grey matter...

(laughing at me...on the inside)

i am unable to remember my phone number but i can recite the one i had as a child...i dont remember what i had for breakfast...but i know what i was eating when i was nine...when my dad had a tantrum and threw a pale blue plate against the wall...i remember the slide of spaghetti and the stain it made...which looked like the state of texas...but...what did i have for breakfast today?

patterns and numbers and photons and nothing matters...carbon and stardust...collisions...

a child takes your hand and you know there is a god because you can see god in the childs soul-filled eyes...a god so big in those eyes...a universe swirling there...dense...deep...expanding...

einstein buzzes across the room...less than the speed of light...but too quick for me to snatch him up...

particles colliding countlessly in this room...but my brain will not let me think about the endless counting...

i walk to the window...open it wide...einstein exits...i feel...nothing...matters...

(i chuckle...on the inside...another inside joke)

the gift of anger...

this has been the summer of torching the last shreds of my dignity...this has been the summer of allowing anger to course through me like a wild animal on fire...and tonight has been the most clench-fisted night of my life...

have you had that moment yet?...maybe in the middle of your midlife crisis when you realize the person who you wanted to spend your life with really could care less if you are there or not? or maybe it is the moment when your smart mouthed kid tells you to go F yourself? or when your boss treats you like a slave and not an employee? it is that moment when you completely die to it all and give up...where you just dont care any more...you sunk your heart and soul into something that was an absolute waste...

then after that moment you have the next moment...you take a look at what is left...how many years are left...who is left...what you are willing to put up with...and then the next moment is one of action...of getting up off your loser arse and throwing out all the broken promises and pathetic people in your life...slapping your 20-something across the mouth the next time they call you a name...or raking everything off your desk into the trash and walking out on your stupid boss...

what is it for you? the breaking point when you are sick of being sick of the same old tired worn out crap from your life and the crap others hand you?

for me it is like i have been an irish stew...my life slowly heating up til it is a rolling boil...scorching the bottom of the pot...bubbling over...the anger...the glorious anger of a ruined life...what a waste it has been but what a delicious freedom i feel tonight...

it snapped so easily...so clean and with only alittle pain...this evening...the struggle is over...i am free of giving a damn any more...i dont have to work so hard for only the crumbs any more...i dont want them...i dont need crumbs...people are too self absorbed to share a slice of happiness with me so keep your crumbs...no more leftovers to feel left out with...no more cheap meals while others feast...i am done with it all and the bitterness of it is leaving me tonight...

this life...it is just life people...it isnt even a speck...it is pointless and it is shameful now...this world we have collectively created...the violence...the hate...the rape of mother earth...humanity is a cancer eating this planet bit by bit...and we all know it...we all know in our guts what the outcome will be if we keep at it...and we are keeping at it...

i am rooting for nature...our best nature and the planets best nature...but like my dad use to say "nothing lasts and nothing matters...even the mona lisa will no longer be there some day"....i fought knowing that all these years...i fought alot of things...not any more...i started breaking and quiting and giving up last year...not in a depressed state but in a rational state...in understanding the world is very broken and full to the brim with broken people...

i saw alot of it very clearly last year...of how ego and especially women with rabid egos are killing this world...i mean many men can be brutes with their guns and bombs...but women had such a great calling to heal themselves and this world...to give birth to revolution on a scale that would be remembered for thousands of years...but i see what is happening everywhere now...women are now aping the brutish vulgarities...they are tearing it all down right alongside of men...their egos so busy defending their dysfunctions...and i have occasionally even joined in...i have watched women like my mother and other mothers over the years...passing on the disease to the next generation...the de-evolution of the feminine divine...and i know now that women are the death nail in all of this...and it is ok...my dad was right...nothing lasts...

and i wasted most of my life wanting something some of us just dont get...because nice people do finish last...so i finish last...that is fine too...i will paint and do my best to feel good about myself...be me...but that thing i held onto for so long...that hope i would be seen as equal to those around me...i dont care any more...reject me? put me down? make me less than you? well guess what...i AM more evolved than you....i would never do to a man woman or child what has been done to me...i deserve better but you dont have it in you...you are weak and a coward and are a waste of my energy...and i am free of you...

 

 

the boulder crumbles...

i hear the songs from the edge of the world rolling in on hungry waves...notes trip over each other in a hurry to land...the rhythm of the words settle against the edge of my mind...

i am in love with the ocean...in awe of the sacred sway of constant ritual she flows with...in the realm of other she is a roaring queen of deep knowing...she is the goddess of clearing away and reforming...the teacher of impermanence...

the holy night intervenes once again and pulls the veil down over this shore of longing...making familiar the coarse body engulfed by the beloved...the ocean pushes on...thrashing against the boulder i have become...finding places to pry and pierce...until one crashing wave breaks the boulder to bits...this is when you see the heart of a stone weep...

no hope for return of love...worn down...this boulder has surrendered her all...good days gone...low tide...fully exposed...

the wild haired siren laments...a bittersweet song of dead dreams and hope soured comes sweeping in on a grey dawn...the ocean picks up and leaves pieces of her lover everywhere...

who can blame the ocean...it is in her nature to take and to deconstruct love's offerings...but who can say the boulder was weak...for the love in pieces still remains love complete...still offered up...still given freely...no shame...no blame...just love...

the sky still holds the sun and moon...the stars still give their signs...the waves still come and go...the ocean still reaches for the same place it has always known...though what is left is but a memory of a boulder who loved and stayed til it fell apart...

i love the ocean...she is worth it...this immense beauty...this force of nature grander than anything i could be...though i wish i could have been touched more gently by her...held and loved in return...but it is the oceans nature to be as she is...this i accept...and love her...just love her...as she is...

loves offering

i turn back the clock to tune into my most happy time...mountains moonlight and possibilities...i was sooooo in love...eating birthday cake with our hands...i was sooooo much younger then...love notes and poetry...hours in a tangle...caught in showering laughter...held in peaceful thoughts...

learning to hold a paintbrush once again and face the canvas of my life...my beloved muse smiled at me with such delight...

taking it slow...the minutes towed me up the stairs and into her arms...

i let my immortal soul rise up...so delicious to taste all my hopes and dreams on those lips...and look into anothers eyes...and lose my body of fear...

tonight i sit with salt, a bottle and lime...i raise a shot 3 times...1 for the child who didnt make it out alive...1 for the woman who survived...and 1 for the never ending grace of love...

i am more than this cage of bones but i feel so human tonight...wings wont come to fly me away...i am earthbound yet i see with eagle spirit eyes...my sight is directed in and out into the future life...i see it as one different than i thought it would be...last year was the tower falling...sisters setting fire to everything...cackling crones crushing the bones of all my trust...

closed hearts are the death plague...and yet i understand what death really is...the tower falling is just a structure that needed to come down...and fear was all it was built on...the ground was never sacred...

i am grateful for the destruction...it leads me to this night...it sits me here and gives me victory over all the darkness closed hearts weave...i sit and am filled with inspiration...i feel the song of life rising up in me...this is the yawp...the mighty cry of victory...

love lives on for dancing eyes and the soft flight of hands...love will nest inside this heart for my beloved muse...i paint now and hold my brush with a stiffer grip...yet when i think upon that first kiss i am young again...

i will build a temple this hour...one filled with pure light...that noone can pull down or burn away...this temple is to honor the soul of my love...this temple placed within a sacred heart...loves endless offering...

 

no egg on my face...

The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion.”~Camus

 

yesterday was one of the hardest days i have had to experience in some time...alot just hit the fan...a big emotional day after a build up of alot of stuff that just kept coming up in me...stress and loneliness and being the most broke i have been for the longest stretch of time...the positive part of myself being my anchor through the day showed me just how beautiful the human spirit is...even in the toughest spots yesterday i let the light and the love find me and flood me...having a constant connection to the unseen is so grace-filled...i just asked for the strength to simply go through the day as lovingly as possible...keeping my heart open and just walking the path...towards the end of the day i was fierce...

 

i attempted to buy my dad a birthday card again yesterday and found it such a hard thing to do...started crying in the store and walked out....dont even know why it has been hard...maybe the cards just are too loving and thankful...i cant say thanks for being there or for having my back...he rarely did...he treated me like a sibling he fought with and not a dad...as a teen and adult he hugged me once because mom made him...i cant recall him ever saying i love you...now he lays in a hospital bed at my brother and sister-in-laws home...i dont know if he has much more time on the planet...he seems bored but happy to be surrounded by family...i feel a deep compassion for him and how his life is winding down...i think if he had his life to do over again knowing how it ends he would have done it differently...he spent many years very unhappy with his life i know...

 

maybe this is what is getting to me...what unhinged me yesterday...i have spent many years unhappy with my life...just floating through it...uninspired and feeling very disrespected by others...that was him...he was often sighing and bored with his home life...he was definitely not respected by my mom and others when i was growing up...he would go to church sometimes and take a preaching gig...he was actually good at it...i remember him telling a story about folks walking around on eggshells...

 

"folks walk around on eggs all the time...wobbling and trying to stay upright...at work and school and at home...with friends and relatives...you can try to do the right thing and someone is always there to push you over...those eggs will always get you...you will fall and get covered...egg all over your face...but what if you stomp your feet and walk with the power of god's word and not the fear of other peoples words...how would that change things to listen to god?"

 

as he was telling the story he would tip toe and do a mime act of walking on eggs...then he would fall over and get up pulling a hanky from his back pocket to wipe the egg off his face...he would stomp and jump up and down smashing imaginary eggs...when he asked the question he would say it softer and softer...three times...how would it change things to listen to god? 

 

it was one of his best preachings...it stuck with me...i see him jumping up and down...rattling the old church windows in one of those simple white clapboard buildings out in the country...the modest steeple and three steps up...no wheelchair ramps back then...we still believed in miracles back then...a pile of crutches at the side of the stairs where sinners came in and earth angels walked out...

 

he would have been happy to be a preacher...to inspire folks...to get his ego fed...to get attention and a big family of the faithful...but he was afraid to fight for his dream...mom didnt like it...and he needed a wifes support to take that step into doing the work...he didnt make the leap of faith he wanted others to make...he didnt listen to his own heart...but he did take lunch breaks in the city years ago and witnessed to folks...he preached in his own way i guess...though i think he would have been a much happier fulfilled man if he had followed his heart and had himself a country church...

 

instead he was often very unhappy...escaping into whatever drama he made for himself...my mom often didnt respect him...didnt see what he gave up to earn a better living and sell out his dream...they stayed together yet both of them really didnt step outside their comfort zones often...i think his grandson gave him alot of joy...the pictures i saw of them playing and the couple of times i saw my dad with his grandson playing...i see my dad happy to see this growing young man walk in the room and give him some attention when mom doesnt hog it...it is a beautiful thing to see the same shine in his eye as the one i saw when he stomped imaginary eggs...

 

i have lived a free life for most of my life...pushing myself out of my comfort zone again and again...but i started down the same path as my dad a few years ago...i gave up on my dreams...i think years ago in maine i gave up on them and got very lost...i let go of the things that mattered to me...i became so discouraged...

 

i looked up at the same sky yesterday i have always looked into...i felt the connection of all these years gone by...i did a water blessing behind an old mill...sending out love...the clouds were reflected in the dark face of the water...the clouds sailed through the water...waterlilies pocking the cloudy face with pads and flowers...

 

my thoughts were crowded...i watched a turtle pop its head up from the waterlilies...i sat on a bench i and sighed deeply...hearing it echo across the water...a sound wave of energy full of letting go...i inhaled love...

 

since maine 14 years have passed...that relationship is gone...i failed at another...i have lived alone now for a little over a year and hate it...i am struggling to pay off the last of a hospital bill and car taxes...i am painting with hands that feel like sausages...my fingers get so stiff from the work i have to run them under hot water and peel the paintbrush out of my hand...i always worried about my eyesight going but it is my hands giving out i now concern myself with...

 

i sat on the bench yesterday and felt the weight of the years and the heavy day push my shoulders down...i bent over and sobbed...it felt good to just let go for a moment before pulling myself together for journey group...

 

journey group was amazing...before we started i drew a small drawing and wrote over it: eliminate the resistance...the words just came up in me...i smiled...i was listening to god...

 

we did the journey and the topic was about letting things fall away...well if that wasnt a sign to eliminate resistance i dont know what else would be...so i journeyed...and i did...i felt the flow of love washing my resistance away...i felt the power of love lift me up...i felt my warrior courage rise up...the passion to heal fill my heart...i was on fire...i wanted redemption...i stomped those damn eggs...i was being prepared to do a big releasment...to reclaim a part of myself i had let go of so very long ago...as a child...

 

in the first journey we did i went to the middle world and saw my aunt del...she was visiting my aunt gerl's land...she was killing chickens for dinner...she took me with her and she taught me how...pick it up and snap its neck by whipping its body...i tried it...it was easy...she said the chicken doesnt struggle if you dont struggle...and it was true...you just pick it up and whip it...see the chicken is in the flow already...just like all of nature...it has its purpose and it just is...a frog eats a fly...a fox chases down a rabbit...a human kills a chicken for dinner...there is the chase but that is just one part of it all...the fly tries to escape...so does the rabbit and chicken...but in the end there is a letting go...a moment of relaxing into death...a surrender...and then it is transformed...it becomes something else...and they somehow just know to let go...the chicken relaxes into its death...

 

i am the chicken that has been running around fighting it...my aunt del said in the journey to not fight it..."they want to break you then break all the way" and i got it...dont resist...see where it takes me after i break the rest of the way...become new...

 

and so after years of it all i stopped...in the journey i was the chicken...my neck was snapped...i fell into darkness...yet there i saw the light come to me...it has always been there...flowing...with all the answers...with all the ancient knowing...the infinite waves of consciousness...i was standing there in it again...and when i came out of the journey i saw all the bullshit thicker and more repulsive than before...my own and everyones...and i dont want it touching my life any more...

 

in the second journey we did in group i went to the cosmic door and opened it...and there i entered a place of my childhood where i was treated horribly...i went up to the adult treating me with such immense cruelty and i put an end to it...i felt empowered...i got back my dignity at last...i got all those years of potential back...they started regrowing vitality in me...a new configuration of strength is rooting in me since then...i have been preparing myself for it....and it is growing...i felt it late last night...i sense it this morning...

 

and i have to smile...i think of my dads egg story and had a journey with chickens in it...and here i am this morning boiling eggs for breakfast!...life is so crazy and so surreal and so interesting...i feel the shift from yesterdays roller coaster ride of emotions to this calm morning...i drummed for a friend earlier...i meditated on self respect...i washed my smiling face and baptised my day with a prayerful song...

 

i sipped my coffee and looked around this apartment...the props i am not attached to...the paintings finished and half done...i pick up my drum...i journey again...to god...to listen...

 

the walls fall away and there is the sun and the clouds and the treetops...the breeze carrying in the scent of some unknown flowers....i am flying high...over buildings...making my way to the ocean...the the open waters...to an island where god sits in the form of a small girl...she is tanned and sitting like a tomboy...she is letting sand sift through her fingers...she is happy to see me...i ran up and gave her a hug...we walked up the beach holding hands and talking about silly things...

 

she points to a cloud shaped like a tiger...i pick up a shell and hand it to her...this place makes sense...full of peace...gently unfolding...i fill with love...in the distance there is confusion...people all tangled up fighting...they become seagulls fighting over a fish...they dont see the other fish flopping in the water...thousands of fish ready to be snatched up...they fight over this one...while one seagull is fighting with another a third one grabs the fish...it tries to fly away but another seagull pulls the fish away...the girl/god tells me to just stay focused and keep walking...as we walk through the seagulls i feel a tug to shift and become one too...but god squeezes my hand and keeps me focused...the seagulls keep fighting...the fish in the water are leaving...

 

down the beach i turn and see the seagulls as people again...they are still fighting for something...a scrap of paper they keep snatching away from each other...they want to know something but not share it with others...i smile at this...for i know what is written on the piece of paper they are fighting each other for...it is a single word...love...

 

god sees me smiling over this...she starts laughing and running up the beach...i run too...the sun shining sweetly...the waves splashing into us...we are happy...

 

out of the journey i feel like i am stronger today than yesterday...not hassled by what i struggled with before...gonna eat my boiled eggs and finish my coffee...gonna go outside for a walk and listen to god today...

 

 

 

  

 

there is no game...

so much is making sense to me lately...like you get one big piece of the puzzle that helps you put the rest of it together...you know? when you look at the jumbled mess and it suddenly has a noticeable pattern where before it just looked like chaos?

my big puzzle piece was when i journeyed to god...it was right there in that moment i saw everything lined up and spelled out...

a simple message...i am loved...

the rest is just our own torment we heap on ourselves and others...

i came back from that shamanic journey plugged in...oh a few times i almost unplugged again but this aint gonna happen! being plugged in is too important to me...

i still have folks who react to me the same way...they try to tell me how to feel or what they think i am feeling...they try to guilt me boss me or put me down...but i see it for what it is now...just their own game they play with themselves...and it makes me chuckle where i use to get mad or hurt and beat the stuffing out of myself for not being good enough...

now i see it all as power tripping and ways they try to control this game they think they are playing...but...there is no game...none...so many people push and pull at each other and get all grrr about things...they build an obstacle course around their heart...they lay down mindfields and we wont even go into all the other crazy game props and the endless shifting rules...but in the end there is no game...

people think there is only so much to go around so they snatch up as much as they can and hoard it all for themselves...occasionally doling out crumbs so they can taste their own power...but here is the other thing i know...the good stuff pie is as big as we all need it to be...it is a really really really big pie...enough pie for god to eat off of for a gazillion years...that is big huh? yet we hoard love and money and time and happiness and affection and well all the good stuff as if there is only enough for a few...and then the few gets whittled down to the point you think there is only barely enough for you...silly huh?

and then there is time..."i dont have the time"...yes you do...there are just some people more important to spend time with...some events more important to you than others...no problem there...it is just that silly phrasing "i dont have the time"...sure you do...you have 24/7 just like me...but the game tells you to hide all truths...to create facades and plastic decoys of emotions...honesty and integrity dont win you the game...right? generosity and kindness make you a weak player...right?

but remember...the game isnt real...you cant win it...you can just be controlled by the inventor of the game...

i am finding bullshit everywhere because folks are over thinking things and trying to stay two moves ahead...so they assume things rather than just let things be...i have done this...it is part of the game...i am learning not to...i dont know if i am becoming jaded or just see how tedious so much of life has become...but the whole thing is part of the game and the game is so nonproductive...

ego gobbles up so much of our happiness...it loves the game...it wants you addicted to it...it invented the game...it gives you sips of power and you get hooked....you need to know everything and every one's motives so you can play the angles and win at the game...but it is a game that never ends...and nobody wins...everybody in fact loses...well except for the ego...ego gathers up more and more power and adds it to the darkness of the world...the light and happiness are diminished...suffering grows...the world falls into darkness and great sorrow...

i am seeing through my own BS and others so clearly and this makes my ego and other folks egos freak out...cant have any witnesses you know...those still playing the game hate witnesses...they want you to participate in their dysfunctional addiction to the game...

the wizard ego is only as powerful as the illusion you help it create...the curtain needs to stay drawn so the little ego man behind it can keep pulling the levers...but if you can just reach out...reach past the game and touch the curtain...pull it back...look...you will see the little ego man pulling the levers...and then you might see something else...the fear in his eyes...and then there is something else you might see...

as you look back over your shoulder you might see all the other people playing the game right along with you...and then beyond them...beyond the sea of hungry ghosts you just might see the emerald city...it is in the heartland of happiness...

if you walk in and climb the stairs you might see one more thing...one of the most remarkable things you might ever see...you will see a portal to another place...beyond the beyond...and there in pure love you will meet god...in a place with no judgement and no fear...with no religions or dogma...with a full embrace of who you are...an embrace of pure love so breathtaking you will never forget how it feels to be loved so deeply...and you will plug back in...you will never want to be unplugged again or play the game for even one more second...

i hope this for everyone...that you stop playing the game and find the love...let it plug you back in...let it help you know when you are getting ready to unplug...alarms will go off...you will feel you are losing the connection and you wont want to do things the way you use to do them...you will see through all the BS this world can fling at you...ego will not have the horrible grip on you ever again...you will be free...not without moments of challenge and human events of sorrow...but you will have the pure and full access to the flow of love...it will assist you in navigating this human realm like you have not experienced since you were a very young child...before you became unplugged...

i hope this for you...more than anything else i hope you stand in the presence of this immense love and plug back in...

 

hands....

sometimes i look at my hands and remember them as they looked when i was four...holding a fat blue pencil or wading my fingers through a cup of chocolate milk...i remember my hands holding a piece of butter bread or clutching a toy car...the small hand of child should not have to make a fist and hit her own daddy over the head so he will stop hitting her mommy...and that small hand should not have had to wipe her own tears away when she was afraid...

but we live in a world of suffering...and small children get hurt and it isnt right but it is what happens...and that child grows up trying her best to be a good person...to make a decent life for herself...to belong...but in the palm of her hand the lines are etched deep...the ones she cant seem to erase...and no matter how hard she tries or what she does the lines always stay the same...

i read these lines in my palm this evening...i see it all so clearly...my little hand...my aging one...same lines...same outcome...only that little girl deserved a better chance and more love than she was ever given...she didnt deserve scraps or seconds or leftovers...she shouldnt have had to work twice as hard to get even a small taste of a good life...she should have been showered with love...as an adult she was good and kind and worked so hard yet it was never good enough for those rationing love to her...

so here she is...palms up...still giving thanks for the love which flows through her from the grace-filled source of love...

i reach back in time and kiss those sweet little hands and know i deserved better all along my way through this life...i still do...i love myself this evening...more than i have in a very long time...i am worthy...