drifting thoughts...

this is me tonight...a leaf on a lake...i feel this...adrift but relaxed...trusting the water and the breeze to carry me to where i need to go...

it was an interesting weekend...i let go of more...alot actually...and it gave me a great sense of relief...i am relaxing into my skin and my life...winter is about being alone and creating art...about realigning my life to my purpose...away from the pushing of egos and the tedious BS of life...it isnt easy but i need to...my health is alittle off and the things that wrecked my heart need to be fully addressed before i can step back into some places...

it is hard to remain in rhode island at times...it is a tough little state in many ways...but if you can see the absurdity and not let it get under your skin it is do-able...though at times it smacks you between the eyes before you know it...

i remember this guy at a train station in philly one time...he was explaining to me the difference between a yankee and a southerner...he said a southerner will get mad and pick up two 2X4s...he will throw one at you to pick up before he starts beatin on you...then when you both are worn out you will go have a beer together and its done...but if you dont pick up that board he wont fight you and he will carry a grudge against you...he said a yankee will get mad at you and not say anything...then he will go to all your neighbors and tell them what a no good dog you are...then he will pass out 2X4s and when you walk down your street they will jump out and beat on you...then they will go have beers and leave you behind...

i asked him which was he...he said neither...he was from the midwest...they'd just shoot you...

well there you go...it can always be worse i suppose...ha!

i thought of that tonight...still picking the splinters out of me from a tough year gone by...

i just keep quiting things i thought i would be doing...it gets alittle scary at times...but i also know something or maybe even someone is coming towards me....or i am stepping closer to something...all i know is i feel something good just out of sight...something is going to embrace me and i will embrace...and this gives me hope in these stretches of time alone...

so i drift...maybe i will dream of a fellow adventurer who loves to wander the landscape...gobbling up the green of the spring leaves...breathing in the wild onion...caught up in the swirls of muddy water...tasting the rain coming...

i want to duck into an old falling down farmhouse before the storm hits...i want to find a spot where the roof wont leak in...and i want to wait...til the first fat drops smack the rusted tin roof...i want to hold my breath and listen...and wait...til the thunder rolls over us and the trees shiver...

and i am not in rhode island tonight suddenly...but i am in the wildness of a spring storm...waiting....breathing...listening as the wildness begins to roar all around me...

you know...i think i understand myself alittle more in this moment...i think i get me more and more...and i like me...perhaps more than i have in twenty years...i know i respect myself more...and put up with less from folks who treat me disrespectfully...i think the green of spring is seriously going to give me a great boost and i look forward to it and all the good that is just inches away....

and there it is...the first plunks of rain on the tin...

moonrise...i rise...

in the sharp bite of winter the moon still dances...inspiring me...giving me this sweet knowing...she is always there...flowing in the heavens...we see her coming and going...emptying and filling the sky...yet she is always fully herself...

the science of my mind tells me the moon is not a she...science tells me the moon creates the tides and is seen because of the sun's light...yet all the facts are still not enough to dislodge the delight i have in also knowing she has a spirit...as the earth does...

i have long loved the moon...as a sister...she is soft spoken and gentle...comforting me and loving me through my life...always there...from the first time i remember looking up at her until the last time...i will always be grateful and inspired by her beauty and kindness...

this full moon came like a sweeping away of more old patterns and revealed more of what i should let go of...and i have...as easily as she spills coins upon the water i let go of more...emptying out after a long phase of filling up...i stand in the heavens of my higher self...full in spirit...yet emptied out of my suffering...peaceful...a wonderful moment of balance occurring...when i hear my own voice clearly...i feel the strength of my own spirit fiercely...and my heart lifts up and expands...filling up...full now...a circle of light...

somewhere else...

feeling it tonight...suddenly...the weight of the night pressing against me...the hum of the fridge too loud...being alone...and i want to be somewhere else...at the beach...or in the woods...up a tree or in a tent...somewhere else...but i am here...but where is here these days?...all of it i hoped it would be fell away...and i am changing...closing rooms in my heart and opening new ones...not sure of what to do now that so much fell away...i am definitely feeling the symbolic death of the old...even my body is helping me out on that one...

i did a journey tonight and ended up in that perfect summer of youth...the wild streaks of laughter out in the moonlight...camping...the snatching embers racing up into the night sky...the stars so close you could scoop them up with your hands...and a young girl sits with an older girl...touching hands softly and talking about the somedays coming at them...

waking in the morning in a damp tent...campfire breakfast and r.c.cola to wash it down...a hike or a work day helping to put in trails...deers crossing your path...woodpeckers tapping out messages quickly...break time and the kids on the work crew push over standing dead trees into the river...boots packed with mud...pants soaked from digging out buckets of creek rocks to throw on the trail...taking a detour trail when you smell a copperhead nearby...another time a detour as a skunk comes too close...

i was strong then...and brave...tanned and toned...full to the brim with dreams...with ambition...with young love...i worked hard and played harder...i ran every day and went to basketball practice...

summer was ending and the other girl went away...the tent got taken down...the summer job ended...the tan faded...the leaves fell...the snow came...and i was suddenly a high school senior...plotting and planning for a future of adventures...hopeful...

and life did the dance of time it does...some dreams made it and some dreams faded...some dreams didnt mean the same as i grew older...other dreams were still born...

and the bigger dreams i failed at...and they nearly broke me...and i sit here tonight without dreams...i had them as recently as last summer...good dreams...new dreams...and i was growing strong again...ready to turn 50 and have a fresh start...full of so much hope and genuinely excited...but then something happened i still dont understand...

it was as if i had my nose pressed against the toy store window and had the money in my pocket but the shop owner locked the door on me...no you cant have anything...your money is no good here...

and i didnt fight it...i walked up the road and turned the doorknob and stepped into this place...and behind these walls i search for understanding...i offer myself encouragement...i tell myself my body will get well and my heart will mend...that i will show up someplace and my offerings will have value...but for now i am working on getting well and not worrying about anything else...

maybe i am that girl again somewhere in me...maybe tonight i am sitting on that campground picnic table...looking up at the stars...smiling at the other girl beside me as she talks about her beagle and how she wants to go to california and "see the biggest trees you could ever hope to see kelley"....

maybe i can feel some of that youthful hope and excitement again...or at least some of the courage...dang i was definitely brave...

maybe i can stop feeling so damn old tonight...maybe she will visit me in my dreams and remind me how strong i can be...and that i still deserve better...

yep i am gonna dream of my younger self tonight...in my green work pants and t-shirt...my work boots and baseball cap...she is gonna teach me how to build dreams again...and believe again...

words...

words get lost off the edges of paper...toppling over in a sudden exhale of breath...withering under a slow moving pen...or scratched out...unable to capture the meaning...to find the depth...floating away...lacking the gravity of the situation...

words leap back and hide...words collide...words explode...words crawl under a stack of papers and wait to pounce...

words miss the mark and are erased...

words sing your praises...words dance in fancy lines on pink neon card stock....words glide along...sleek poetry leaning against the bottom of the page waiting for you to read on...

words between the lines suddenly make sense...words in big bold print shout at you...

words missing the point...words falling short...

words dripping honey sweet...words and words and words...tender words dropping like rose petals onto the page...

i wish i had the words to express how i feel...i wish i had the words to convince you...i wish i had the words to make things make sense...

are these words self evident?

can words paint a picture?

will words ever be a fitting container when i write i love you?

words will flow from me until i have no more words left in me...

but words are not your soul food...they will not feed you...you dont trust the words from my pen...they never filled you...tasteless words i am sure you thought my offerings were...not worth the reading...not worth the adventure...but my words want you to know i am here....thinking...wanting you to know...who i am...

here i am...

 

its midnight...outside a few cars pass by...i looked out the dark window and saw my face looking in at me...i opened the window...breathed in some crisp cold air...down the street a dog barks...the streetlights hang like paper lanterns...

 

earlier friday morning i sat on an examination table...white sheet over my lower half...young intern coming in...she knew me from two years ago she said...the hysterectomy..."yeah that was a tough one...you had a close call...nearly bled out on the table"...and i heard her words and i remember i was in bad shape but who knew...close call?...couple of units of blood and extra days in the hospital...the grit it took to get well...pushing myself...cant stay in bed...get up and get at it...every day pushing myself...and at the studio...knowing i shouldnt climb that ladder to put something up...but i did any way...pushing and willing myself well...and at the same time in my studio all i could think about sometimes was how i wish my life would get fixed somehow...that it would all just get better...

 

so i am sitting there and she is talking...they dont know why i still have fatigue...they do know i dont have cancer...three options for the ovary issue but a simple procedure might work...she fires questions at me...yes i am having hot flashes...no it doesnt hurt when i have intercourse (because i dont have intercourse...did she read the part that says patient is a lesbian...should i tell her...but she is on to the next question)...yes i take my iron pill...no i dont want to try physical therapy...i do shavasna and light yoga...and on and on the questions and then the exam and we are done...come back in four weeks...see where "we" are at then...me? i will still not be having intercourse...

 

as i am pulling on my clothes i stop...outside a crow is flying with a bit of string in its beak...i watch it land on a wire and drop the string...it looked down but didnt bother to retrieve it...and then it struck me...this was the same room i sat in two years ago...when they told me what was going to happen...i forgot that...i forgot the view...but it came back...i had looked out the window then...after pulling on my clothes like now...thinking of all those times i wanted children...i remember holding my belly...the uterus getting bigger from the cysts...i felt this great letting go this time...not with any sadness...just as if i were that crow dropping a bit of string...

 

i stood at the window of my apartment tonight...sore from having my belly pushed on...thinking about that string falling...it is that easy...to let go of something and then fly away...

 

you can let go of someone you wanted to be with for the rest of your life...you can let go of a job...you can let go of a place you call home...you can let go of fear...you can let go of heart ache...you can let go of resentment...it falls away...and then you can find something else to hold onto....or not...maybe it is just knowing you can lift yourself up and fly across the landscape...a single crow without a family...able to find a way to parts still unknown... 

 

there is peace tonight...i am going to let myself have a good long sleep...i will make a pot of coffee in the morning...i will clean my apartment and work on my painting...keeping it simple and quiet for now...so i can hear myself...

 

i am so full of love...so blessed...and so profoundly grateful for my strong wings...

 

 

 

 



time machine...

 

got in the time machine this afternoon and travelled back to my youth...music long hair and bell bottom jeans...bibbed overhauls and tube tops...r.c.cola and moon pies...dusty roads and converse high tops...racing moonbeams and soft dreams of what the future would bring...i was a wide eyed wonder...ready to do art and life two fisted and roaring...but then...it began to break...the weight of the other part of my life...the darker sadder parts...but i still kept at it...splatters of paint on all my clothing...and years stacking up high til they toppled over on me and crushed my dreams...

but i am a child from the south...and i nearly forgot that...up here in new england it is a different planet...they forget some of us aint from here...we do it differently...with food and hugs and the shirt off our backs...we dont go stoic...we turn to steel...we cant shut up...we speak our mind...we do it all loud and proud...we sob at funerals and at weddings...we dont hold it in or hold it down...we are not a pretty bunch but we do clean up nice...we know honey talk and slow dancing on steamy summer nights...we can call owls from the woods and stand with deer at sunset...we can look you in the eye and tell you the truth...and you always know you have a loyal friend and someone who has got your back...

i forgot that...i forgot it for years...never fitting in...never letting myself be myself...but now these are new times...

as i listened to the songs of my teenage years i had to smile and remember who i was...the pocket knife and the headband...the bare feet in red clay mud...the bottle collecting returned for three cents a piece...the turntable and the stack of albums...the red light on the stereo...the daydreams that wandered into night...the park trails and camping...the girls who acted like boys and the boys who wanted to be girls...the moon rising up over rolling hills...the katydids and the whip-poor-wills...the promises i made to myself but didnt keep ...

and so the music got me back there and all the way to here again...and here i am...a middle aged teenager with her real life ready to begin after years of false starts...

i said out loud again today i want a fresh start...it isnt even that exactly...i want to pick up where i fell apart...where i gave up...gave in...gave over to everyone elses needs...and i am...going back...gathering up the parts of myself i let go of...and all the crap i carried along with me...well i am going southern on that trash...pile it up and grab the lighter fluid...that is how you get rid of things southern style!

tick tick tick

i struggled to settle in last night...restless...very restless...the mood to run away and join the circus kinda restless...yet the painting is here and the last few days of it i am giving myself before i have to make decisions about what direction my life will go in now...so i am savoring it...enjoying the moment of weightless freedom...

being at the helm of my own life as a single person is not enjoyable but i can manage it...i tend to go in circles with no one at the helm with me...it feels unnatural and it is definetly unwanted...but it is my life right now and i will navigate it and do well...i have tremendous faith in myself and the unseen always with me...

the starting over part is nearly fulfilled...it has been a rough voyage to get to these calmer waters...i met some sea monsters along the way...and a couple of times the storms nearly overturned me...but i am by nature a survivor...though feeling like a castaway these days...i have learned though...i am never alone in this voyage...simply away from the company of other sailors at times...

now i see land...a chain of islands ahead...some bigger than others...i am sure it is much like hawaii in that each island offers something different...but all are beautiful...i have fought hard to get here...to find self love and self respect...to not put myself last any more or push myself to the breaking point for others but learn to care for my needs and make them just as important...in moments of great doubt i still feel selfish for taking this time alone...for not going out and doing the mainstream job even if my body cant take it right now...i feel like i should work at mending fences but i dont want to...let the sheep roam i hear myself say...

i have the quiet company of myself theses days and needed it...it will change...but i am not the same as i was before this voyage of deeper self discovery...i dont see others in the same way...i am less trusting...i am not as patient with the pushing people do...their egos all messy and tar like...i have no tolerance for it...

maybe i changed because the tar got too thick and was weighing me down...i simply got pulled under by their egos and drama...jealousy and envy are such poisons...i can smell it a mile away and find it so insulting...and i saw alot of that for years...and it wanted to climb into me...this ugly poison...i have never understood it...the push of ego is understandable...but the other...jealousy and envy...i dont fully understand this...it is a level of ownership another wants i simply struggle with understanding...doesnt make me better or worse...i just dont get some things...and i dont get the level of insecurity and desire to own another person...it isnt love...it is ego...

in this boat and in the crazy waves of some of my storms i found faith in the unseen to a greater and deeper level...yet lost my faith in religions and words and rules...only one thing floated to the surface of my own knowing or reached into me as these storms raged...this was the feeling of all encompassing love...it wasnt a wishy washy love...no butterfly wings and glitter...but this was a fiercely compassionate love...it bolted through me at times...pushing tears out and thrashing me wildly in those rough waters...it wanted me to get it...to learn from my past...to be stronger...to not harden my heart...to stay open...to let myself feel the pain and not numb out...

and so i was the eager student once more...learning how to let go...surrender...go with it...trust myself at last...listen to myself...do what was right for me...

and so the waters are calm today...the sun is shining brightly...i have a soft warm salty breeze sifting through my hair...i rock slowly and steadily to shore...i am nearly there...i can hear a heartbeat matching mine...a friendly hand ready to reach out and pull my battered little boat up on the sand...it is a dawn i am drawing near to...golden light pouring down over shimmering emerald water...i am happy to be here at last...