good medicine

a few days ago i did a journey and ended up on an island...then up a cliff and into a cave...all i could see out of the mouth of the cave was emerald waves and sunshine...lovely...warm and breezy...serene and peaceful...it was unlike the cave the last few days...yet i rejected the teaching that day...

there i was journeying to get my mojo back!...which i thought was a simple and funny request...oy oh boy was i getting what i really was asking for once again...and it began a whole series of journeys and healing work...soul work...deconstructing...rebuilding...tons and tons of work which left me tired last night

but even as i was sleeping the work was still being done...days of this...and nights...of being transformed more...willing to flay myself open and look...really look at all the anger and hate and resentment and envy and even jealousy...i looked at my ugly parts and my good ones...i looked at woundings...self inflicted...and ones intentionally and unintentionally inflicted by others...i didnt back away or back down...i knew what i could take on in the moment and what had to sit and work itself out in the coming days...

each part was fitting into the next piece of work...each experience popping up in my ordinary reality was there to simply guide me into my awakening in non ordinary reality...until things so amazingly were lining up and making sense...

even the spill i took last night on the ice outside was a moment of "oh wow"...

it is the time in your life...if you allow yourself to see it all...where visible proof of the unseen forces  show up...angels...guides...god...whatever it is you label it all as...it is the thing at work to help you configure your own flight pattern...to land where you need to for your big smack down healing adventure...so i landed on my arse last night as part of "the plan" and for a second looked up at the stars...

one bright star reached down...and it was as if i got "it"...that celestial light bulb over my head...i got in my car and hit the road...the moon rising big and beautiful...and i saw it...i saw me...i was the moon...i wasnt this other stuff...the labels and limits of my own making and of others...i was this...i felt like a beautiful freak in that moment...really...a very beautiful freak...

i pulled my car over and watched the moon climb higher over the treeline...and she was stunning...i am this i kept saying and laughing out loud...it got inside me...and for a few minutes i was unlimited...but this feeling did fade as i was driving again...and the confining limits of my own self doubt and low esteem began to creep in again...yet there was the moonlight pushing back my dark thoughts...and it worked and worked on me...and kept working through the night...

each time i woke up cold her light reached in and warmed me...each dream came to assist me in unraveling and untangling the knots inside...each tear that fell was charged with the moon's healing grace...

there is science and it tells us how dense the moon is and what it is made of...that it is basically a sundial and yet it tugs at the tides...it inspires poets and seers...it gives lost souls comfort...it is a feminine presence which enchants so many of us dreamers...and she dreamed me home to myself last night...easing the tightness in my chest...relaxing my mind...opening my fists...bringing joy charged tears to my eyes and laughter spilling from me...i am her...

and so this morning i journeyed not to the dark cave but to the light one...to the one where a kundalini rainbow serpent hovered outside the mouth of the cave before...where it had told me to swallow it and i had said i wasnt ready...but the truth was i was too closed off and afraid...turning bitter...shutting down...struggling with my lesson plan...

but this morning i came to the cave and said yes...the serpent came in and from its body the rainbow colors flowed and came into me...and i swallowed them...feeling the warmth and vitality return...feeling the balance and the serenity...feeling something else...i suppose it is a sense that i do have purpose and meaning to my life...it isnt to caretake a mother who wont do for herself...it isnt to take on others struggles as my own or even dwell on mine...i feel my purpose is to just go through life...smile at it...cry at times...always let myself feel it...love but without any need to be loved in return...enjoy my own company...remove myself from harms way...take good care of my own needs but not be selfish...be kind...and i guess i know and feel one more thing today...the big one...the one which is the greatest part of my suffering...and it must be for many adults....

it is why i didnt accept the energy of kundalini healing the other day...it is why i have checked out over and over again at the most intimate moments of my life...it is why my chest was tight last night...

i fight battles that are no longer there...they are in my childhood...they are memories...and yet my mind doesnt know time has passed...so i get triggers and panic and shut down or run away...but when i sat with all of it last night and this morning...peeling away and looking at each memory...stepping towards each uneasy intimate moment where i checked out...i had to see it all and let myself know i am not that...i am instead the mystic moon...i am the perfect flower...i am the smile of sunshine through the trees...i dont have to resist the goodness that keeps coming to me...the goodness i push away...i can trust it...and can accept it...for what it is...each time it is offered to me...i can trust it in the moment...i couldnt when i was a kid...i couldnt trust kind acts then...i couldnt trust love...there was always a sinister thing hiding within a kindness...love was fake then...this is the root of my lack of trust...this is the big pile of crap in the middle of all this self torment...this is what keeps presenting itself...

this morning when i swallowed the healing of my own enlightenment i saw these moments again...right up to the present woundings...and there it was...the same thing coming through each time...

i set myself up for rejection again and again...the thing that was done to me as a child i have done over and over again to myself....or created an environment so others would reject me...each time wanting the outcome to be different so the original rejection would be undone...but it never is...it just keeps breaking a person down...until all that is left is the raw wound...and it either kills you or you decide to heal...

i have decided to heal...those adults in my childhood should have been good and loving...and they werent...they were selfish and immature...they let their egos run the show...they twisted away from their goodness and were selfish pleasure seekers of the lowest form...they used a child's goodness against her...they used the bait of love and acceptance on a child...they were twisted and sick in their mind games...and i cant hate them...it was put into them by other twisted adults when they were children...yet i dont have to recreate the scene over and over...it cant be undone...it cant be taken back...but i can let go of it now...

i can see it made me a person who would never harm a child...it brought me a level of understanding about compassion even as a child...even as i was going through their dysfunctions with them i could still understand it wasnt them...i am very grateful this sweet child i was did not grow to be as broken as the adults around her...that she worked very hard to awaken to her true self...that all these years since she has grown into me and i am sitting here with a full heart this morning...less afraid...gentle...laughing even...seeing a little hand from so long ago reach out in my mindscape...and i take that little hand and bring her safely to me...she and i...at one with each other now...neither of us having to hurt anymore...i dont have to relive the past in each of my interactions with others...she doesnt have to sit and wait to be loved...

ordinary reality is still there...the challenges and the struggles of the present...but it feels different now...the healing still mending parts of me and will...the little hands and gentle eyes of my child self there now to help me soften and let in the good in my life...

i hope to laugh more in 2013...i do have a weird sense of humor but i like it...i hope to open my heart up to a close love at some point...i hope to have better friendships and above all to take better care of myself...

i think 2013 will have challenges pop up but i also see it as a time i let the goodness come into my life in greater measure and not doubt its presence...and in this sweet understanding and acceptance i know i deserve kindness and goodness...i understand why it has been lacking in my life...and now i am ready to receive genuine lovers in my life...those who love me as i am and will be kind to me...and i will trust their kind intentions...it is good to know this...it is wonderful to see it on the horizon of this new winter season...

namaste...

blessed

wow what a difference a few hours make...and asking for a sign and then receiving it...what a heart and mind and eye opening day...

and i understand now...i have been told where my place is in the world around me...this is ok...this is other peoples opinions only...i know my worth...and i know i am loved by my own soul...and completely accepted in grace...i am decent and kind and held in the unseens grace...

i trust the unseen and find a comfort there...in it i am loved and perfect...beyond the walls of this room i may be viewed as imperfect and unworthy but in my own self there is an immense knowledge of all our greatness and all our worth...we are all worth it...each of us a perfect flower...a perfect expression of the divine...

i sit in the dark this evening and yet am filled with light...blessed...i have been thrown away often in life...and never understood it...still dont...this hurts to be treated as less than...but i am blessed...i lift myself up...

i have never thrown myself away...i have held on...i have loved myself through hard times...and still do...blessed be to that love...and to all of us lovers...

getting it done!

last big blow out push before the end of the calendar year and the last big clearing away of stupid stupid junk from myself so winter season really takes hold and i am flowing fully in the groove rather than always stopping myself short...ya know i know this self work stuff backwards and forwards yet i still stop short of really looking directly at the last pile of crap right in front of me...always dealing with the sidebar stuff...or saying this is my BIG issue (trust) but then i move away from really dealing with it all...looking to the either side of it...like a dog who does that little sideways glancing at you because it knows..oh it knows you are gonna say "bad dog"...well for me i am the looker and the look-awayer at the same time...so yikes!...but it has gotta be done...so i am looking at my poo today...the whole nasty thing...and i really dont like it and want to throw up my hands and go play in the snow or even better go have hot soup at some chinese eatery and not feel anything but warmth from the soup instead of this cold stark reality i am sitting in front of...oh well...i will deal with my stuff and make soup later...

so to the next round of my journey into the cave and deal...

~*~

 

in the deepest part of the cave...no guides...nothing...creeping along listening to the drip drip drip of water somewhere...i make my way to it...notice something at my feet...a flashlight...how convenient i thought...i get snarky sometimes in a journey when i start putting up defenses...but realized i should be better behaved and pay attention...

 

i turned the flashlight on and there was a slow drip from above splashing into a dark pool...i held my light over the pool of water and knew it was a mirror i was meant to look into...but instead of a reflection of my face it was a reflection of my thoughts...all the flashes of thoughts came to the surface...speeding up and slowing down...each unfolding as i thought them...and the trick i knew was to empty my mind of thoughts so what was behind my thoughts could surface...

 

and so i let go and let go and stilled myself...i suppose this is why i have been drawn to doing deep still meditation over the last few months...i was readying myself for this moment...

 

i sat by the water...the flashlight shining a beam of light onto the dark surface...the drip of the water drawing me into my stillness...the ripples becoming waves washing over me...emptying me out...and there it began...on the surface of this pool but also in my surroundings...the resurfacing of memories...without any attachment of emotions...without much of anything other than the seeing of them...the faces of others over this past year...happiness and kindness...anger and hurt...fears and unhappiness...their fakery and phony ways...all the masking and unmasking...then i felt their suffering...it slipped out of me as each memory came up...each drop of suffering i took on dropped into the pool...

 

when this year of suffering/toxins had been removed it seemed as if the consciousness around me asked if i want more removed...and i did...heck yeah!...this is just what i needed and then to never do it again...take on other peoples toxic stuff...they still suffered and also didnt learn and kept doing their silly suffering...what was i thinking all these years!....oh yeah...that i would somehow get love and acceptance...duhhhhh...that was dumb...got just the opposite...

 

i was feeling lighter and wanted all of it gone...i didnt have to think of the times i took on other folks stuff...it all came...flowing out of me...drops became a stream gushing out of my belly...and all the water retention i have been suffering from for months made sense now...the toxins building up and making me sick...the ovary angry and sitting like a dead seed pod in me...it all made sense now...and why even the thought of being around others right now was making me dizzy...i knew i couldnt shield myself from their suffering or their disharmony with me...it would consume me more...flood me more...the endless feelings of drowning i have had makes sense now...as the suffering i have taken on was draining from my body the flooding feeling was leaving me...

 

phew...

 

so the pool swallowed all of it and began transforming it...the flashlight was clear light from a place of spirit i realized...guiding the toxins from me...extracting the sorrow...showing me what i have been doing to myself that benefited no one...and caused damage to me...

 

and then a voice spoke from the darkness...my shaman guide..."those who dwell in their own ignorance and avoidance hear no voice of truth or see no visionary sights...only falsehoods they invent to shore up a broken heart...they see only darkness and sorrow...they hear only the echoing of their fearful thoughts...you are not to live this way....come into the light"

 

and the pool shined brightly and i stepped in...i was filled with the warm flood of light...it was watery yet not...it came through every pore and opening...it filled every cell...it reached into my heart and bathed my soul...and asked me if i was willing to come back and go deeper and finally look at this last part...

 

i am...

 

i am going to rest and then i will brave this last journey into the cave...i am surrendering to the unseen today...trusting love...i am worth it...

 

 

 

 

 



  

cave day 4

the cave journey was alittle tougher for me this morning...i knew it would be simply by the energy shift of the cave as i entered...big lesson getting ready to be taught...well i had it coming since i put off the one from last night...but it is what it is...

so i entered a very unfriendly cave this morning...the shaman very intense...the walls dark...the fire out...no other guides around...no comfy blankets or fruit...just the silence and the slow growling chant of the shaman...which i found very annoying to me...and she noticed it and did it louder...

then she stopped and looked over at me...she asked "am i bothering you?" and so i said yes...because well she was...the noise was very bothersome...and i didnt know why but it was...so she asked me "why is it bothering you so much?" and without thinking i said "because it is a fake chant"...and then i started laughing because well i just told a shaman she was faking a chant and it is kinda funny...but she didnt laugh...instead she got very pissed off and started stomping around the cave...beating rocks with a stick and throwing dirt...and yet i still found myself laughing...then she bit herself...like a frustrated little kid does...and that really sent me roaring with laughter...she jumped up and down and foamed at the mouth and yet what should scare me was all just alot of tantruming...and that is when i saw it...i saw the lesson...

and she saw i saw it and sat down...i piss people off when i see through their fakery...their smoke and mirrors...their hiding out game...i see through alot of the phony baloney stuff in life and when i let them know i know it pisses them off...they dont like witnesses...and then they get mad at me for what they were trying to pull off....ahhhh...duh...and you always have to get rid of the witness so you can hold onto your fakery and protect your most vulnerable damaged parts...well you dont have to but you think you do...ya know?...i have done it...still am with one last nasty bit of sticky tar taffy crap i am dealing with... 

well this makes me feel much better than last night...thinking i am a cancer and this is why folks reject me...nope i get rejected alot of times because folks know i know when they are faking it in some way and they dont like that...they pour alot of energy into building their protective structures and here i come along and look right past them...and dare to love them even...yikes...must freak folks out...it would me...

if they only knew i can do this not because i am a better shaman or a more "evolved" person or anything like this but i am able to do it alot of times because when i was a kid i had to know the moods of the crazy adults around me for survivals sake...and i simply "read" folks easier...some of the greatest intuitive people out there or most sensitive ones were probably the most abused emotionally and/or physically as a kid...

you develop a set of survival skills as a kid...if you have healthy family around you then most likely your survival skills will serve you well in the adult world...but with unhealthy family around you the survival skills become a twisted kit of things you do to protect yourself and what makes you feel safe...not great for coping in the adult world really...you can read people and see through alot of BS...but that just gets alot of adults pissed off...especially adults who have suffered different levels of abuse in their own childhood...

wow i knew this on some level but it really helps to make sense of some crap in my life...makes sense when it is applied to alot of situations in life for me...

i have a follow up with the shaman today...lol...she said so...i have a feeling it isnt gonna be all candle lights and roses with her today...but i can deal...i want to get this work done so i can loosen up and enjoy myself more...and perhaps others might then enjoy me too...

on a happier note the fresh snow is so pretty and it is inspiring me to make some kind of soup today...miso? french onion? split pea? or chili? and then i will journey some more...and paint and not be so hard on myself no matter what comes up today...

the cave of creation

the cave walls i go into when i journey are remarkable...inspiring me to create on canvas...the colors are delicious to my eyes...the images rising up from the dance of fire...the figures and racing forms leap to the walls quickly...i feel as if i only see bits and pieces of a greater thing at play...yet i dont need to see the full picture to understand what is roaring through me as well tonight...rising up in me like flames slapping the walls of my heart...i am the storyteller in my cave of bones...i am the flesh devoured by flames tonight...the pacing poet of my own wild dance in this cave of creation i reside in now...at home within myself...away from all the twisted creatures and deformed minds who are snatching at this world right now...all of it going mad...nothing making much sense...

 

i am in here...in me...in the black hole in me...in the earth...in the universe...a circle within a circle within a circle...where even matter doesnt matter...outside of time and expanding far and back and nowhere all at once...

 

the snow falls over the dark landscape in ordinary reality...i walked out in it earlier this evening...a man was walking up the middle of the snow covered street carrying his shoes...these are the things you see now i said to myself...this is the new normal...like the man peeing on a stop sign the other day...all the crazy things happening in the world...these are the new normals...

 

and so i journey into my cave tonight and looked and asked and was open for guidance...and it came to me...in a simple sentence from my shaman guide..."cancer does not know it is cancer"...and so there it is...wisdom short and not sweet...

 

it is sad...to see the potential of this world...to see the potential of human beings...and then to see where it is going horribly wrong...and there is a course it will run and an ending and then a beginning...all i can do is my part...and know what i do...perhaps this cancer has just become conscious it is cancer...if you know you are cancer then what?...ah there is another journey and a new question...but do i want to know any more on such a night when the cave is so lovely and the walls of the cave dance with better art than i could ever paint...

 

i will leave the sad world and the cancer thoughts and the man walking barefoot in a snowstorm carrying his shoes and the sirens and the horrible new normals...i will leave them outside in the cold and warm myself in my cave...watching the walls and perhaps calling in storytellers to sit with me and tell stories in my dreams...

the cave...day 3

i didnt want to leave my journey this morning...it was warm and safe and full of wonder...the cave lifted its dark shadows and was full of rainbow light and filled with the warmth of the fire a kind woman built...i had so many guides sitting around...so much support...funny how i eat sleep and work in this quiet apartment surrounded outside by people and traffic and planes going overhead yet i am alone...but in the journey i am supported by kind company...able to relax and simply be myself...

i think i should let my apartment become a cave...shut out the ordinary unsafe world and let this space be of great inspiration as i create my art and recreate my life...it makes sense after the visit to the cave...

i have been going through alot of stress and emotional strain since returning to rhode island...my mom talking to me on the phone every day..."working on me" as she does to come back down to maryland...making her life sound so precarious when actually she has more at her disposal in life than i do right now...that is her way and i understand it...she has always been like this...but it still pulls at my heartstrings even as i know she is attempting to manipulate me...

and then there is being back in rhode island...dealing with hospital bills and my health...i am playing mad scientist with my body to see if i can lessen the effects of my unwellness ....and also approaching it from a spiritual slant as well...i know what creates my unwellness...it is my own undoing...so i am working on those broken pieces as well...finding each place of resistance and easing it loose until it is held out for surrender...the big one is a tough one to let go of though...but i am strong and i can face anything and will let go...i know why i dont...i know what it is...so it will be surrendered soon enough...there is a stage of mourning i must do...a ritual of sorts...in this cave of my creation...i will...

in this mornings journey i had a cave bear and coyote...a fox and a small dragon like creature...i had my kind buddhist monk and others...my shaman...i was in great comfort with blankets to sit on and some fruit if i needed it...i had songs being sung to me by a myriad of voices...both human and animal...what a beautiful blend...and in their singing the cave sung as well...a low hum of sorts...comforting me....giving me great peace...and i trusted them all in a way i dont trust others any more in ordinary reality...

in ordinary reality i feel more like a caged animal around people now...i feel like they have imprisoned me with their unkind thoughts and low opinions of me...but in my cave i feel lifted up and treated as an equal...not better or worse than...but an equal...it is nice to be here healing and recreating before going back into the world of people...other is not appreciated in this unkind world...but in non ordinary reality all is respected...it is becoming my home and this other world is just a place my body has to be...not a bad way to live right now...the world being what it is...

and i know this caged feeling will no longer touch me when i surrender more to what i struggle with now...and i know i need to make myself very strong now because the times we are living in are getting ready to be of even a greater challenge...the world is not making a peaceful transition...change often does come with tragedy because as humans we tend to let things slide into disrepair until it becomes so broken the work to fix it is so much harder...but i have faith even though it all is so incredibly broken...i have to believe good folks will risk it and be brave...though it seems many are cowardly right now...hiding out in their dysfunctions and building more elaborate facades...i know winter and smile...winter will change this...something is coming and it will change everything...the winds of change...they are coming down into the valleys of many closed hearts...and then it will begin to turn around...it already is...in the shouts and mourning cries of those who see the innocent suffer...these are the winds that blow open the doors of many hearts...and in my small way i open my heart more and more and am the change being added to this broken hearted world...in healing myself i help heal the world...from my cave i am changing the world into what i wish to see it as...kind...compassionate...giving...open hearted...unselfish...forgiving...because i am changing me...

later...in the fire of the cave i see hope...i see the old burning away as i put my struggles in the flames...i see the flames leap images on the cave walls...giving me inspiration and reassurance...and i feel a kind permission to live how i choose to live...that those who love me will support me as i am and those who are hard hearted and fearful will be done with me...peace will rise up for all great lovers in 2013...no matter what comes at us...our hearts will be in a nest of peace...

a courageous heart

once upon tonight...

fox slowly found her way to coyote's den...the moonlight gave her easy passage...she brought her beloved a basket of cranberries, acorns and rose hips still holding up even in this chilly winter's start...

fox smiled as she neared coyote's warm home...the little opening had coyote's soft earthy scent lifting up on the cold night air...she stopped and took in a deep breath...this love was still forming its edges and sharpening its aim..her heart was wounded before by a broken arrow's promise...she found it a challenge to let another arrow aim for her heart yet she was a brave one when it came to love...

here fox stood...a gift of food for this odd coyote...this vegetarian moon caller...this dancer of streams and polisher of star stones...spinner of stories...weaver of poetry...

the tender heart of the fox began to feel crowded with all the love she holds for this wise coyote who stumbled across her path a moon ago...

with shy steps she breached the cave opening...walking in to her happiness...leaving fear outside in the cold...